Mum says she regrets having us

[Dandylion22]

Name changed for privacy reasons.

I am in my mid 30s and have a sibling who is a bit younger than me.

My sibling has recently had her second child and I'm currently not sure whether I want my own although I love being around them.

My mum has been telling us both how if she had her time again she wouldn't have had us as it ruined her life career wise and financially. She says she is certain of this and I shouldn't have them either. This comes up every time we are visiting my sister and her children. She was always emotionally distant with us both and usually very angry. She left our father (my step-dad) for another man and he has told me if he had his time over, he would have drowned his kids at birth! It is since being with him that she has become very vocal about her regrets.

I am estranged from my biological father and grew up not knowing about him. When I did contact him, he had very similar views re having me, telling me he felt it was best for him that he wasn't in my life.

Has anyone else experienced such attitudes from their parents? AIBU to find this all quite hurtful? I am recently out of a long term relationship and I'm realising that I have huge trust issues and think this might be related. I understand everyone must have moments when they wonder what their life would have been like without children, but is it normal to be so cold about this? A part of me appreciates their honestly, but is it really necessary to be this vocal to your kids about how you regret having them?

But like namechanger27022019 I will tell my daughter that she doesn't have to have children, that it's not the only path. i love my daughter and this is how life worked out but I now believe I could have been very fulfilled if i had't become a mother which was not something i was encouraged to believe as a young woman. That is no rejection of the spirited funny person my dd is thoguh.

My next sentence to her, if she was my mother, would be 'well had I had a choice, you would not be my mother, so I guess we agree on that'

It would also be my last sentence to her.

Fuck her. You are worth SO much more than that, and you don't need that kind of crap in your life to bring you down.

An honest answer is that, if I had my time again, I might not have had my dcs.
They are fantastic teenagers, I can spend some lovely times with them. They are amazing people and I’m sure will become amazing adults.

But did it affect my life in ways I hadn’t imagined? Did it have some lasting negative impact on me? Yes it did.
It stopped me from doing many many things i would have loved to do, things I would have loved to have achieved. I look at women in my field who dint have dcs and see how much they have managed to do, how much more financially secure they are. I look at what H has achieved in that time, what men in my field have achieved. And yes I can be envious.

The difference between me and your mum is that I would never ever say that to my dcs. Not now and not later when they might want to have dcs if their own. Instead I still spend time with them, I still put them first and give them my love and support to be come what they want to become. Because whatever my choices have been, they shouodnt be impacting on them. Yummy r mum is being very hurtful and selfish with her comments.

OP please stop being a doormat to your grandparents. Your sister has the right idea. You should only help out family members, who are adults, in the same or an older generation if they respect you and appreciate for that help.

Oh and go LC with your mother so ignore her messages unless it is an emergency and block her on phone and social media.

Btw, I agree about relying on them for your self esteem. You seem to be locked into guilt and a feeling that you have to do x and y for them (and it’s either your parents or grand parents there!) because that’s your role.
It isn’t.

Please don’t care for your grand parents if you dint want to do it. Doing such a thing should come from a place of love, not guilt or ‘have to’. It’s also the patch for you to care for your mum and partner a few years down the line too....
You need to start living YOUR life, the way YOU want to live it. Not because it’s helpful for your mum if you do xxx.

Your story is so sad. I do understand how you feel. I never knew what unconditional love was until I became a parent. My mother wanted children but I definitely didn’t feel warmth and love as child. As a tiny baby, yes - I’ve had a lot of therapy and worked through that bit. I felt a little love from my father, who was a workaholic so I spent very little time with him.

Everything was very conditional. My mother said she so wanted a girl and then she had me. It didn’t feel like a compliment. My mother is the other way from yours. She thinks I am incredibly selfish for only having one child despite this not being my “fault” (ie not by choice) as I needed ivf and became chronically ill as a result. I had to prioritise caring for my one child, which is very much a struggle, not try to get pregnant with a second.

You see the relationship for what it is now. And the limitation of your gps. It is for you to learn to love you through more therapy. I found a brilliant therapist and we worked together. She taught me many things about life and adulting, which I didn’t know and I was able to pass this onto my dd. I was sort of parenting my dd and me in tandem for about 3 / 4 years and growing into an adult all at the same time.

Whether or not to have children is entirely your choice. They are a great giver of joy and love as well as stress and at times heartache. All in all dd has enriched my life. But I do so wish it hadn’t been at the cost of my health. If I could tell my prepregnancy self all of this idk what I would have done. I very much want dd to exist. But I want every day not to be so much of a struggle. I don’t regret my choices. Just the outcome.

One thing for sure your mother just sees you as someone to beat up emotionally. Making you feel small for being born and for not having made the same choices as her. Once you find the right therapist to work with you will be able to change the narrative. It took me many before I did.

I don’t think it’s all that unusual to think it, even if saying it is

I think my mother thinks this, though she would never say it so explicitly. She was a young married woman in a time and place were contraceptives were illegal, so she had no choice about managing family size, or indeed whether to have children at all, she and my father had far too many, given their poverty, and several of her births were awful.

I have to say that in some ways I wish she felt able to be honest, as her unexpressed feelings meant she went through our childhoods in a state of suppressed and completely unconscious rage that we weren’t some kind of imaginary perfect children, silent, grateful, compliant, shy. She’s (again silently) clearly mystified/disgusted that most of her adult children have either chosen to remain childfree or to have only children — I think she feels everyone should suffer as she did.

he has told me if he had his time over, he would have drowned his kids at birth!

He sounds like a psychopath.

My DM has intimated similar and I think is unsatisfied with the cards life dealt her. However she blames society, not us. It's society that doesn't value mothers, that sidelines women, not the children.

You deserve better than this.

My mum has frequently said stuff to me like that, I see her about twice a year, very low contact. Why the fuck should I listen to it ! I have children and I have found aspects difficult but even if I did regret it I would never NEVER tell them ! But that is because I am a normal human being and clearly they aren’t.

Might be a sign that you should cut ties with your mum. You don't necessarily have to go NC, but I would definitely be spending as little time as possible with her.

An odd thing for a mother to say, as most mothers want grandchildren.

There could be a small argument for saying she is trying to protect you from the hardships of being a parent and the sacrifices you have to make, or at least making you aware of them.

But the back-story points to other problems with her - her emotional distance and anger issues. And her being constantly vocal about her regrets does sound like her agenda is not to offer you helpful honesty, but to hurt you. Is that the sense that you get?

Tell your mum she has been a disappointment as a parent and that you wish you had been born to a more pleasanter person.

^This.

If I were you, I'd tell her that if you are ever in the position to want and to have children, that you will try and be the mother that she was never good enough to be, that you will not follow and repeat the failings that she always has, and still is, making.

What a horrible person she is.

Hope you are OK, OP, and that you have a close and positive relationship with your sister and her children.

but 'I am going to tell my daughter not to have children because it isn't worth it' is quite often said, and applauded, on MN.

Is it really? I have not seen it said- more that children are hard, but completely worth it.

Your Mum's an arse, you are in your mid 30s and seem to like kids, have them soon before it gets too difficult- appreciate you need a partner first.

And now you know why you have trust issues, perhaps you can work through them.

stop seeing her?

my late dm used to say in anger when i was yong and naughty i wished youd never been born a few times but like i say i was naughty

you dont need to be told aas an adult youre a regret theres no need u didnt ask to be here so telling u isnt going to achieve anything

She's obviously not a very nice mother, person or anything else and it's sad that people are like this, but they are - not every mother/father is loving, caring and selfless unfortunately and you cannot change nasty people - so sorry OP that you're being made to feel this way

I grew up with my father regularly saying this to me. He hated us. Properly detested being a parent.
It is incredibly painful. It is the rejection, and the feeling that you are somehow not lovable that is very hard to overcome. I understand how difficult this must be for you op.

I moved away.
Best thing I ever did. I stopped relying on the whole family including dp for any kind of love or support. Going low contact for me has allowed me to develop a family of friends that love me, and then a family of my own with two dc, it was incredible. It was then that I realised how totally messed up my parents were. The unconditional love I feel for my own children is immense. I know now that my parents are damaged and not the other way around.

My children as they have grown up have shown me the meaning of love and trust. I don’t need my family anymore. I never wanted to be a parent assuming I would be terrible at it, when in fact my dc were the making of me. They made me become responsible, mature and ‘grown up’. The love they bring makes up for a lot I didn’t receive as a child.

Your sister has the right idea. Time to stop caring for your gp and go and live your own life. Why do they want to see you waste three years of your young life on them? It is quite selfish given your mother goes every day. It’s not like they are alone and struggling.
You are stuck in the ‘giving’ role, time to move onwards and upwards.

You can be happy and find peace, but not with your mother and certainly not your dp.
Break free and reclaim your life.
Yes they will guilt trip you, get cross, manipulate you to come back, but you to remain firm.

Not unreasonable to be upset and hurt. My mum said the same to me and my sister a few years ago (we are both now in our thirties too). She was critical, unloving and angry our whole childhoods, and blamed everyone else for the things she didn't like about her life. In fairness she had a hard time for a few reasons. But we were children. We deserved to be loved and cherished.

When we grow up with a parent who doesn't love and nurture us we think that we need to fix "it" so they do love us. But we can't. We don't know what we need to fix. We still try. Then we take that into adult relationships and end up with alcoholics, narcissists, people who don't take responsibility for themselves, that we then care for. Those relationships destroy us.

Counselling has really helped me. I'd recommend it if you've not tried it. If you've had toxic relationships (i have) I'd pretty much bank on your relationship with your mum growing up having a big part in that. If nothing else read up on co-dependency.

Wow. I’d get a good career going, don’t have children, then tell your mum you’re not going to make the mistake she did, then lose contact with her.

My mother and father both used to say this. "Having kids ruins your life" etc etc.

Leaving home at 17 and going NC shortly after was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

It's not normal to say this to your children. It's cruel and incredibly hurtful. I could never ever ever imagine saying this to my own children. It's fine for someone to feel some regrets about parenthood not being as they expected, but to actually say to your children that you regret having them - simply ghastly and cruel.

Look after yourself OP and put up boundaries to protect yourself x

My mum made it very clear she did not want me. Because I was a girl. My brother's were treated like Kings. I was not. I spent so long trying to win her love and approval. It never happened and it never will. But it does hurt. A lot. Your mother really is quite cruel, doing it in front of you, your sibling and your nieces/nephews. Counseling helped me sort through my issues and I have, on some level, come to terms with it. Making peace with it will help, but I understand how you feel

Soz, I was writing my reply when you posted your follow up! Looks like you know all about co-dependency and have had help in the past.

It's time you prioritised yourself. Follow your sister's example. Honestly, get these manipulative people out of your life as much as you can, and think about getting back to therapy. Low contact and nurture yourself.

What an awful thing to say, who says that to their children?

I think some don't think of the consequences of having children, financially and in daily life. It's a huge commitment and some appear to give it no thought whatsoever. So many seem to begrudge having to parent and finance them.

to all of you with such horrible parents. I hope you realise deep, deep, down that their lack of love is their shortcoming not yours. Children shouldn't have to do or be anything to be loved.

Oh dear OP. Reading your thread made me sad. I'd be very upset too. I'm glad that you have sought counselling. From what you have said it sounds like she can be toxic at times. I would try to limit contact and get on with my life...

So your mum tells you that you are of no use and then she wants you to stay to care for her parents while she goes off on a holiday? This is just too much. You don't need them and they don't deserve you.

I would just politely move out of their life as it is hurting you. Whether or not you want your own kids should have nothing to do with how much your own parents loved you.