Mum says she regrets having us

[Dandylion22]

Name changed for privacy reasons.

I am in my mid 30s and have a sibling who is a bit younger than me.

My sibling has recently had her second child and I'm currently not sure whether I want my own although I love being around them.

My mum has been telling us both how if she had her time again she wouldn't have had us as it ruined her life career wise and financially. She says she is certain of this and I shouldn't have them either. This comes up every time we are visiting my sister and her children. She was always emotionally distant with us both and usually very angry. She left our father (my step-dad) for another man and he has told me if he had his time over, he would have drowned his kids at birth! It is since being with him that she has become very vocal about her regrets.

I am estranged from my biological father and grew up not knowing about him. When I did contact him, he had very similar views re having me, telling me he felt it was best for him that he wasn't in my life.

Has anyone else experienced such attitudes from their parents? AIBU to find this all quite hurtful? I am recently out of a long term relationship and I'm realising that I have huge trust issues and think this might be related. I understand everyone must have moments when they wonder what their life would have been like without children, but is it normal to be so cold about this? A part of me appreciates their honestly, but is it really necessary to be this vocal to your kids about how you regret having them?

They are twats I am afraid.

They have also removed any obligation from you to them by their behaviour, let go of them and go and enjoy your life, don't let this relationship define you

I had DC because DH wanted one but with hindsight it was a bad decision. I absolutely adore DC who is the light of my life, but parenting is so hard and time consuming, it takes literally everything else away from you. I had no idea it would be like that. I saw other people with normal bodies and normal hobbies and relationships after having DC, I guess I didn’t realise how much that’s dictated by luck and having family who offer regular childcare. Tv and films depict parents as having lives - unless you have free family childcare or pots of money that’s a fantasy.

I don’t think IABU to convey to my DC the reality that being a parent takes everything else away from you. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my DC. I just don’t want my mistakes to be repeated.

I have the same attitude and treatment from my mum so I know how you feel. She treats my sisters well but makes it clear I was a mistake and it shows. Even my children suffer for it. I cut contact right down so I see them several times a year just to keep the peace despite living quite nearby. I’d love to go no contact but I’m already completely alone and my children enjoy seeing their cousins so I grin and bare it for a few hours. It’s a hard situation to be in and your mum shouldn’t be telling you or your sister these things. It sounds like she may have some trauma or mental health problems related to it. I’d cut contact as low as possible or altogether and spend your time on people who love you and appreciate you. Perhaps some counselling may help too, it’s something I’ve been considering for a while. Don’t let her bring you down.

Dandylion - next time your Mother is in full flow, remind her that every child is a gift from God - that should quieten her down somewhat!

My mum's the same. I just think, oh well - it's her own stupid fault for having so many kids then. And for not making the best of it when we were all here.

OP, I’m sorry about your mum and your grandparents. You sound like a lovely and very selfless person who does not deserve to be spoken to or treated the way you are.

@KateyKube, I’m guessing your child isn’t very old. It gets a lot better, especially if you only have one. Parenting might feel like it’s taken over your life right now, but you will get back to a place of having time for yourself, even without loads of money or family support. If I’m wildly off base and your kid is 12 and you still feel like parenting has taken everything else away from you, then your husband (who wanted the kid in the first place!) needs to step up so you can start having a life again.

Wow, that's awful.

I wonder if you could just tell her how hurtful it is? Say something along the lines of 'You keep saying that you wish we had never been born; that's a very cruel thing to say and makes us feel unwanted/hurt'.

You could reply that you wish you'd had a mother worthy of her children

This is all so sad. How horrible for you, OP.

My "d"m spent my childhood telling me she wished I was a cot death statistic. She put me off having children. My parents marriage also put me off ever getting married as I equated it with screaming, yelling, throwing things, breaking things and trying to kill each other on a regular basis.

Then I realised that was them, not me. I'm now married and a mother of 2. Yes, parts of it have been hard and I'm terrified I'll become her...especially when I was diagnosed with attachment issues after the traumatic birth of dc1 (and a whole bunch of other stuff) but I went into both with my eyes open.

Yup had a "mother" like this. She'd often tell me (as the oldest) that she wished she'd never had me. Wished I was dead. Told me she wasn't my mother (this backfired as I was happy about the prospect). Had to call her Mrs Xxxx instead of "Mum".

Some people are just horrible human beings. I'm just glad I have the life I have. It is difficult but you have to remind yourself that these issues are hers. Live your life the best way it can be.

I regret having my children.

I'll never let them know. I pretend to be a happy "mother" EVERY SINGLE DAY! I cannot wait for DH to get home so I can lock myself in our bedroom and decompress.

I've told my DH... he is the opposite and is loving every minute of it.

I am also severely depressed... having children is the biggest mistake of my entire life and I am looking forward to them being gone (adults) so I can, I suppose reclaim some of my life.

OP I feel for you it cannot be nice hearing.

It sounds very hurtful however I think we have to accept our parents as own flawed human beings who don’t necessarily know how to act in the right way always.

Don’t let her resentment poison you

Awful

Dinosauratemydaffodils
My "d"m spent my childhood telling me she wished I was a cot death statistic

Bloody hell.
I am so sorry she said that to you. I can't even begin to imagine the thought process behind that, let alone saying it or hearing it.

OP, all your 'parents' are utterly vile scum. Personally, I'd cut them all off and also stop looking after your grandparents. They're not your responsibility.

I assume you and your sister have a decent relationship with each other, so I'd focus on her and her children as your only family and forget the rest.

This isn’t normal. Even those of us who are having a horribly tough time, don’t regret our children. It’s life that’s crap. Financial stress mainly.

I have a bitch of a mother. And a bastard of a father. I ‘needed’ to have children so I could give them what I didn’t have.

Life is tough. We’ve had some big stresses, but I love my kids more than life, no matter how tricky parenting can be.

Your thread has reminded me to be thankful. I’ve been such a grumpy cow lately. I don’t want my kids thinking it’s them.

Ditch the lot of them OP. Tell her you regret that she’s your mother. Then say bye.

DH’s mother said ‘I gave you life, and I can take it away’.

We don’t see her.

‘But she’s your mum’ comes from people who don’t have a fucking clue about shit parents. Having a baby doesn’t mean you’re a good/nice person. Wankers can procreate too.

Tell your mum she has been a disappointment as a parent and that you wish you had been born to a more pleasanter person.

This is the perfect response and I hope you say it to her.

What she's said to you and how she's made you feel is downright evil. I know that's harsh, but her selfishness is unbelievable. Yes, we all have times when we feel that being a parent is extremely hard work and that perhaps we're missing out on things... but you never, ever say it to your children.

I vent to friends sometimes about not being able to do XYZ, but never that I regret bringing two children the world, that's despicable. They're fellow human beings!

You are right to find this awful. My mother used to say this when we were kids. It took having my own to realise how f**ked up that is, and it’s only really occurring to me now how much her emotional coldness has affected my self-worth, leading me to tolerate the most astounding amounts of shit from people in my life.

Please get some counselling, OP. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been a victim of bad circumstances.

And the whole “I’ve had kids what have you done” thing, that’s also nothing to do with you. My mother also does this (mostly about career, travel, etc though) and it’s another thing I’m only just starting to realise is designed to keep me down when in actual fact I surpassed her in several areas long ago. I’ll wager if you really look at each of your lives you’ll have already achieved more than she has.

Well she had her go, made her choices, regrets them and is selfish arsehole enough to tell you so.

Too bad she believes that she fucked up- she doesn't get another go at choosing, via you. You are young and still have the choices available, and she is jealous of this. Your choices are all yours and she doesn't get to make them for you, so tough shit on her.

I think women of her generation felt obliged to have kids and didn’t have the choices we do rubbish. My kids are similar age to OP and Noone I knew felt obliged to have kids. One generation ago, not the bloody middle ages.

It's not normal to tell your children things like that. In my opinion it's not only spiteful but actually wicked. No wonder you struggle to trust people. I'm sorry OP, no child of any age should be told they are or were not wanted. Seek out people who can give you love unconditionally. They are out there.

OP. My mother is if the same ilk as yours. I got sick of it (her/father/sibling) so stopped doing the running around for them. Strange that now she needs help she remembered why she had me. At least she won't be upset at me not running after her... She is devoid of normal human interaction!! I hope you can manage to live for yourself and not waste your time or emotions on her. Good luck 🌻🌼🌷🌼🌻