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Original poster

My ex dressing the kids

105 replies

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 16:31

Each time my ex sends the kids home from a couple of nights at his, he dresses them in clothes too small. They go to his in decent outfits but when they come home they're in old small stuff that should have gone to charity and I've lost an outfit that I will never see again. He's been doing this for years now and I am sick to death of it. I thought he was doing it to get a reaction so I stopped mentioning it, he still does it. I send them back the following week in the same small clothes, he still does it.

Does anyone have any suggestions or do I should just ignore it? Bare in mind he's doing this with school uniform too and I'm so embarrassed for them going to school like that. My son's in age 7 and he's coming home in jumpers aged 5. If their shoes break he doesn't buy new ones, he glues them together to make them last until the kids come back to mine and I go straight out and buy new ones. It's absolutely humiliating for the kids. He knows full well what he's doing, it's like it's one of the last forms of control he has over me and my money and it's costing me a blessing fortune.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 27/04/2019 18:29

@mamaoffourdc why would you do that ? I mean genuine if they have shit clothes at home why wouldn’t loving parents just replace them ?

Original poster
Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 18:31

They go for two nights a week. Varies each week because of his shift pattern

OP posts:
Butterflyone1 · 27/04/2019 18:32

We have a similar issue but it’s the kids being sent to us with inappropriate clothing. They now come straight in and go to their rooms to wear clothing we’ve bought.

I personally just started binning things that had holes in, marks all over or too small. It was the only way to resolve the issue.

There is no reasoning with some people.

escapade1234 · 27/04/2019 18:33

But what is he doing with the new clothes you send them in? Storing them at his house? Giving them away?

Original poster
Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 18:34

Butterfly1 I hear you! The kids are very aware of it too so I haven't got the awkward job of making excuses etc. If anything his behaviour makes us closer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 18:37

Escapade they're dressing nice when they're at his house and as it gets tatty, knackered or too small it comes home. My son keeps having growth spurts and is going through trousers like he goes through food, everything that comes back is a couple of inches above his trainers lol.

OP posts:
Frouby · 27/04/2019 18:38

It's a common problem. The only thing you can do is send them in stuff you have that's tatty and don't mind losing. I used to buy charity shop stuff for dd to go in. And just recycle what he sends them home in.

With regards to uniform either get school onside and see if they can get changed at school before he collects them. Collect them yourself and get them changed then let them go. Or see if you can at least get them to leave jumpers at school, or even don't send them in jumpers that day.

Dd eventually started saying she didn't want to wear clothes even to walk home in that her dad provided, so used to take her own clothes, but because she was older by then used to make sure she brought them home with her.

She stopped seeing him (her own choice) when she was almost 12. The fucking about with clothes, lack of Christmas/Birthday gifts, trying to get one over on me all the time, and just general knobhead behaviour eventually got too much for her.

Abd by christmas gifts I mean she would have been happy with a set of pjs from primark, or a cheap giftset. Shes not materialistic, just wanted something from her dad is all.

RandomMess · 27/04/2019 18:38

If it's not court ordered then could you say you can't afford for them to come anymore because he won't return the clothes they went in?

They must have literally more there than at yours?

Other than that they come home from school and change first?

TheBouquets · 27/04/2019 18:41

This totally stinks of the ex manipulating everyone and everything

FuzzyLilac · 27/04/2019 18:44

RSAcre

SS are stretched dealing with actual child abuse. Such as child neglect and sexual abuse but lets tie up their precious time with ill fitting clothes!!

You idiot.

Passtherioja · 27/04/2019 18:46

I think all ex-DH have a secret handbook of ways to piss us off!!
Generally focusing on sending them home in clothes that don't fit, are inappropriate, dirty..hair not washed/brushed, ruining new clothes...I swear most of them do it!!

Mine also stops at a charity shop just before he brings them home, let's them buy £2 worth of cuddly toys (which gets about 4 of the furry f**kers) and the bedrooms are full to bursting-I introduced a 1 in 1 out rule, so he started hiding them in the bottom of their overnight bags which then meant it would check the bags and turf the toys out. Best moment ever was when DD2 brought in a toy and went up for the one to swap and came down with a 4 foot teddy bear her dad had brought her...his face was a picture!

Original poster
Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 18:51

Pass the sorry but that made me laugh way more than it should!! Millions and millions of little stuffed toys lol

OP posts:
PurpleCrowbar · 27/04/2019 18:57

Oh god, yes to the charity shop teddies!

Mine levelled up this weekend. He took them to an animal shelter (because that's basically a petting zoo, right?) encouraged them to pick out a cute puppy & then got them to phone begging me to adopt said 🐕.

So I am now officially Mean Parent.

(We aren't in the U.K. - he was visiting for the week, kids in a hotel with him. Visit to shelter cunningly timed for last day, obviously...)

I almost admire his creativity!

Jammydodger1981 · 27/04/2019 18:58

Pjmasksmum

Big hugs to you, and to all the other mums who are going through/have been through this. I find it so soul destroying trying to be the better person all the time, not rising to the petty shit he does when you really can’t afford it.

I had to stop the girls taking their swimming stuff (including towels!) to his once as we were due to go on holiday the day after they got back. I knew it wouldn’t come back and the replacements would have to come out of our spending money. He’d told them to lie to me and sneak it out as otherwise they couldn’t go swimming at his. He earns way more than me and so does his dp so not like they couldn’t afford 2 costumes.

Luckily I’m a bit better off these days so not as much of a worry but it’s still the principle.

YY to the pp who says he then brings them back late, this is now the new game, including 2 hours late on Mother’s Day... they’re back early if his team are playing and he needs to get to the pub though!

RandomMess · 27/04/2019 19:02

I'd conveniently be out and not contactable when his Footie team was playing from now on...

Make no plans that could be affected by them being returned late. In fact I'd set him up to know you wanted them back and arrange for a fun "babysitter" to answer the door Wink

Crossfitgirl · 27/04/2019 19:06

@angrybird123 thanks for explaining, I did say it was a genuine question as I didn't know myself. Even when I don't know stuff I do try to offer useful suggestions. My knowledge is limited here though granted! Lol.

mamaoffourdc · 27/04/2019 19:09

why would you do that ? I mean genuine if they have shit clothes at home why wouldn’t loving parents just replace them ?

I didn't my parents did - both were hung up about the 'nice' stuff staying at their own houses!

Passtherioja · 27/04/2019 19:21

Pjmasksmum

I kind you not...chuffing millions of them!!! 🤣🤣

He also took them to Disney Paris when he got back said that he wasn't taking them again but I'd take them to Disney Florida!! He's a twit with a capital A!!

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 27/04/2019 19:31

Tbh i think the clothes issue is obviously hugely unfare on the chidren. I used to get so so upset about it all until bigger issues cropped up. Such as him returned them soiled, not returning them, teaching them rude words, allowing the neighbourhood kids to bring them up the road and ring the door bell. There is honestly an issue every couple of weeks, counting this week. This is why i say be careful as if hes doing it for control and power even if you solve this issue he will move on to something else, and this something else could be a lot more detrimental. He needs to feel as if hes won somewhere. Choose your battles wisely.

Angrybird123 · 27/04/2019 19:37

cross sorry if my tone was off but really, what you said in your second post is bang on. You have no idea how people can be so petty or how such petty sounding things can be such a massive deal until it happens. My ex is better now but at the start I had new trainers ruined cos he let them go wading in river, school shoes not returned and the 5yo blamed because it was 'her responsiblity', I do still have kids returned unwashed / brushed. As the parent who does ALL the work of actual parenting you have to chase it up and it does sound petty but oh my god it massively fucks me off.

Eustasiavye · 27/04/2019 20:38

I think I would go with changing at school.
Speak to the teacher/TA and arrange for the children to leave their uniform at school and change into old clothes that you are not bothered about losing.

There are some fuckwits about.

QueenBeex · 27/04/2019 20:47

Bin the small stuff when they return in it, eventually he'll run out of small stuff to dress them in.

He can't say much about you putting the small stuff in the bin as he's keeping the decent clothes so you could just say you're keeping the small ones.

Graphista · 27/04/2019 21:00

This is one of the things my ex used to do.

We were going through court re contact (because he was being an arse in many other ways)

2 judges (lots of court hearings) AND the cafcass officer told him off for it.

It only stopped when the 2nd judge put in place that I was to document what clothes were going missing with receipts and that if it kept happening he'd order my ex to pay the costs of the withheld clothes.

It IS considered neglectful/abusive.

As you don't yet have to let him see the kids and there's no contact order in place I too would recommend ceasing contact which means his changing them or his having them linked to school days.

And get legal advice, I'll bet this isn't the only way he's being an arse.

Passtherioja · 27/04/2019 21:26

Pjmasksmum...please don't stop the children from seeing their dad!! That can't be the default position that mums adopt when the ExDH is acting like a knob!!

Yes he's being annoying, selfish, irritating and trying to wind you up but don't listen to the "stop access if there's no order in place," over something that you can, and will, cope with.

Kids who are no longer allowed to see a parent they see regularly (did you say two nights a week?) will be upset by the sudden change of routine-stopping access should only be used if the children are at risk.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 27/04/2019 21:36

My ex's ex-wife did this, but only for the younger DS - too small clothes and never weather appropriate. Whereas their DD also has lovely clothes because mum clearly enjoyed girly shopping trips. We ended up constantly topping up his wardrobe. Frustrating as hell.

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