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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex dressing the kids

105 replies

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 16:31

Each time my ex sends the kids home from a couple of nights at his, he dresses them in clothes too small. They go to his in decent outfits but when they come home they're in old small stuff that should have gone to charity and I've lost an outfit that I will never see again. He's been doing this for years now and I am sick to death of it. I thought he was doing it to get a reaction so I stopped mentioning it, he still does it. I send them back the following week in the same small clothes, he still does it.

Does anyone have any suggestions or do I should just ignore it? Bare in mind he's doing this with school uniform too and I'm so embarrassed for them going to school like that. My son's in age 7 and he's coming home in jumpers aged 5. If their shoes break he doesn't buy new ones, he glues them together to make them last until the kids come back to mine and I go straight out and buy new ones. It's absolutely humiliating for the kids. He knows full well what he's doing, it's like it's one of the last forms of control he has over me and my money and it's costing me a blessing fortune.

OP posts:

RSAcre · 27/04/2019 17:12

Jeez.

If he's capable of this much conniving arsery, & prepared to ake his own children uncomfortable/embarrassed, what's his next trick going to be?

You need to document this & get legal advice.
As there is no current court order, would you consider telling ex that while he chooses to act out like a lunatic, he will not be spending time with the children he is abusing?

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:17

At the moment I'm kind of taking it on the chin because he's not getting the reaction he wants, he wants to know it's bothering me and I'm struggling with money blah blah the usual ex.

OP posts:

PurpleCrowbar · 27/04/2019 17:17

Oh yes - mine does that. Or used to until recently.

I found it a useful service in the end. I'd just send them to him in anything that was outgrown or scruffy, confident that I wouldn't see it again.

God knows what he does with the small mountain of tiny tatty kids' clothes he must have accumulated by now!

As pp have said, arrange for them to change in school - when they're being picked up by him, tell them to change into scruffs & leave the bag with uniform in with a member of staff (I'm a teacher & I've had a lad in my tutor group with a deadbeat dad leave his uniform in my book cupboard most weeks for 3 years - it's really common).

Be comforted by the thought that they'll very soon start calling him out on it. Once my eldest turned 12 or so & started saying 'dad, wtf? I can't wear this! Where's the stuff I came in?!' it shamed it out of him in a few weeks...

RSAcre · 27/04/2019 17:17

*I think I would threaten social services as its abusive to the children.

WTF!!!
I hope you are taking the piss!!*

Right, @FuzzyLilac.
So if someone took your proper-fitting clothes away, & forced you to dress in outfits 2 sizes too small for you, you wouldn't consider that they were being abusive to you?
Or do you feel it's ok because they are 'just kids', so obviously don't feel discomfort, embarrassment, & sadness that their dad's deliberate mistreatment?

PreseaCombatir · 27/04/2019 17:19

Why would you report yourself to social services ffs?
Because that’s what you essentially be doing...

GabsAlot · 27/04/2019 17:19

but your dcs will suffer in school op not you

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:20

PurpleCrowbar it's reassuring (but sad) to know it's a common trick, I wasn't sure if anyone has found a way to make them pack it in which is why I asked on here. I know my kids will start calling him out on it one day and flat out refuse to wear stuff he gives them. It's just pushing them away from him which I'm sure will somehow be my fault too!

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 27/04/2019 17:23

Can your daughter not put her clothes back in her bag or does he remove them completely? What's he doing with their stuff?

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:24

He's keeping the nicer stuff there for them to wear when they're with him. When it's too small it comes home on them. They're coming home in trousers I haven't seen for over a year like chimney sweeps.

OP posts:

PBobs · 27/04/2019 17:24

Can you get them in the habit of folding their clothes up and putting them all away in their overnight bag so they know where it all is in the morning? Or pack spare clothes and then they dress themselves in those?

avacadooo · 27/04/2019 17:26

Could you buy them stuff in the size up so they don't get too small and start binning all the stuff he sends them back in? That way at least they'll grow into it and they'll be slightly more comfortable.

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:26

I know my daughter is the one suffering in school which is what made me ask, the glued shoes was the absolute final straw. Maybe the bag of fitting clothes is a better option and explain to the teacher that it needs to stay there.

OP posts:

Poppins2016 · 27/04/2019 17:27

I'd drop them off in old/relatively inexpensive clothing that you don't mind 'losing'. Then when they come home in clothes that are too small, bin them. He'll run out eventually!

What would happen if you stood at the front door and said "DD, please could you run and get your insert item of clothing here before we go as I know you love it and would like to wear it during the week?", for example?

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:28

Just to add, they look fine when they're with him because he's keeping the stuff that fits. It when they come home they're in stuff too small so I am losing an outfit each time they stay with him. He doesn't think he should replace small school uniform or buy school shoes as he pays maintenance so sends it home on them. Hope that makes it a bit clearer

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 27/04/2019 17:29

Be brutal and tell him the clothes come back or they're not seeing him, tell him he's embarrassing his children.

Lovewineandchocs · 27/04/2019 17:29

Have you spoken to the school about it? This happened in our school and the teacher and vice-principal called both parents in for a meeting. It shamed the ex out of doing it again.

Original poster

Pjmasksmum · 27/04/2019 17:30

Poppins this is what I've started doing on his doorstep. "Can you go and get the trousers you were wearing when you came as they are a bit longer?" I'd say it completely differently if I was talking to him and the kids weren't there!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2019 17:30

I'd tell the kids to stick their clothes straight into a carrier bag, as soon as they've changed out of them.

Drum2018 · 27/04/2019 17:34

Don't send them back in the clothes that are too small - pass them onto charity or bin them. Send them in properly fitting cheap clothes, from second hand shop or primark. Surely he doesn't have an unending pile of smaller clothes so they will just run out.

As for the uniforms, good advice above about having one left in school. Leave the ones that are too small in the school for smaller kids who may need them.

willowmelangell · 27/04/2019 17:35

My ex did this too. With hindsight I can see the mistake I made was not kicking up a right stink the first time he did it.
He would get her dressed in the morning in her(my) nice things, then re-dress her into old, small things before she came back.
It went on for years and years. I only bought things from Primark after the first few weeks.

RandomMess · 27/04/2019 17:36

Definitely speak to the school, I would ask that the DC change at school.

I guess have some bargain supermarket leggings and T shirts when the clothes they came back in are literally too small.

Again if you are collecting from him get them to go back in and get their outfits - even if they are wet/Dirty/ in the washing machine.

Doesn't actually love his DC does he

escapade1234 · 27/04/2019 17:38

Sorry, this is just sheer nosiness on my part but could somebody explain why dads (sounds like it’s a common problem) do this? Is it because they’re not buying their child new clothes that fit and are just dressing them in old things they already have to avoid costs? What do they do with the clothing the child arrives in if you never see it again? Are they on bad terms with the child? Sorry, it sounds baffling and obviously very tiresome for you.

Hearhere · 27/04/2019 17:38

he's being unkind to his children just to score points over you, what a piece of work
hold onto your dignity and be the better person, he will reap the fruits of this in years to come

MissConductUS · 27/04/2019 17:41

What are the dads doing with all of the nice clothes they accumulate this way, selling them on line or something?

Inliverpool1 · 27/04/2019 17:42

It control tbh. My ex genuinely thought I should pack a little overnight back for them of toothbrushes, toothpaste, pjs and s change of clothes which he would then return to me for me to wash. You know like we were married or something

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