My ex dressing the kids

[Pjmasksmum]

Each time my ex sends the kids home from a couple of nights at his, he dresses them in clothes too small. They go to his in decent outfits but when they come home they're in old small stuff that should have gone to charity and I've lost an outfit that I will never see again. He's been doing this for years now and I am sick to death of it. I thought he was doing it to get a reaction so I stopped mentioning it, he still does it. I send them back the following week in the same small clothes, he still does it.

Does anyone have any suggestions or do I should just ignore it? Bare in mind he's doing this with school uniform too and I'm so embarrassed for them going to school like that. My son's in age 7 and he's coming home in jumpers aged 5. If their shoes break he doesn't buy new ones, he glues them together to make them last until the kids come back to mine and I go straight out and buy new ones. It's absolutely humiliating for the kids. He knows full well what he's doing, it's like it's one of the last forms of control he has over me and my money and it's costing me a blessing fortune.

he is just treating the children as if they are pieces in a board game, he positions them however he can to wind you up or piss you off and pays no mind to the affect this has on his children, getting even with you is far more important that their comfort and peace of mind

he's quite happy to make them feel shame and embarrassment just to get one over on you

If your arrangements are not court ordered I'd

1. document when he does this and what your children say. Make note of the sizes, glued shoes etc.
2. tell him in email that next time they don't return home with their clothes they will miss the next contact unless he returns them and that this will happen every time he does this.
3. buy a set of easily identifiable (e.g. plain red tshirt) cheap clothes that are identical that the kids change into before going to his so he can't claim he doesn't know.

Inliverpool1

Yep, mine did the same. They’d then come back dirty, missing, or ruined. When I eventually refused to send them with clothes for the weekend (he was insistent he’d paid for them as he paid me the CMS minimum so they belonged to him anyway ) he threw a massive tantrum and started going on about how he’d have to bring them home naked and that the clothes I sent them in were like that to begin with.
I insist they come home first and get changed out of their uniform as I can’t be doing with him losing it all and washing it all on a Sunday night as he refuses to wash their clothes ‘for me’. He just can’t see it’s for the children, who he’s supposed to love and care for.

Can you agree to just share the cost of new clothes? Surely this would just solve the problem. Also if he pays child maintenence, is this supposed to cover clothes too? Genuine question as I don't know myself, but maybe he thinks you should be buying them as that's what the child maintenance is for. If it's not, then maybe you can explain this to him?

My ex did this when my son was little and he was somewhat still bothering with him, we were in the court process anyway cause he was messing me about not turning up for contact and not bothering for weeks at a time (has completely disappeared now) so I had it written into the order that he is to return him in what I sent him in clothes wise and return anything sent with my son etc. He soon stopped fucking around with clothes or ‘loosing’ toys. You could try that? It’s just a control technique, his last way of exerting some control over you.

I would take photos of what they go in so you remember, keep the too small stuff in a big bag somewhere and photo it for prosperity. It’s inconvenient but when you pick them up could you insist of having your stuff back before you leave? Or get the older one to go through the drawers and pack their clothes etc.

Also just send them in any old cheap stuff and keep your nice stuff for yours.

I also have this problem. Social services will not be in the least interested.

I think men who do this kind of thing need to have control somewhere and even though this is horrendous it could be a lot lot worse. He could try and gain control else where, eg not return them on time etc etc etc.
Yes a solicitors letter might help but in my experience nothing really helps. Im not being negaitvie but i think you need to be realistic. If he is just returning them to you in small clothes then in the grand scale of things this is a small issue. Make sure you send them in hand me downs that your not too bothered about and except that what ever you send them in you wont see again.
Regarding the school uniform, im not sure them changin out of it at school as this makes them different from the other children. Ive lost school jumpers etc when their fathers taken them, but i make sure i have a large stack of them, most of them second hand etc etc. Ive asked for them back but i never get them so i conclude that i just have to let it go.
The hardest thing is the shoe issue, mine wear their school schools for a week when he picks them up in the half term. But what can i do? I haven't come to a conclusion about that one yet.
I think all you can really do is empower your children to have a voice, if they dont like it they need to say.

Crossfit, no offence, but you clearly have no idea about this. CMS minimum is to contribute toward basic expenses. Decent nrps then buy their own supplies for when the kids are with them and often contribute 50/50 to larger purchases also. CMS absolutely does not cover 50% of the cost of kids unless the NRP is v high earning. Plus the fact the RP is doing all the hard work 12/14 days and probably paying childcare too. The idea that this could be easily solved only works if the NRP isn't a twat, which it sadly sounds like he us. Do you really think the OP isn't already paying way more than 50%?

Bbang even though i agree, from my experience my ex would just ignore that. We have a court order but enforcing what the children wear is very hard to police. If the man is that controlling he wont care what the court order says.
Also if he broke the court order by not returning them in the correct clothes realistically you wouldn't take him back to court for this one fact alone.

CrossFitgirl I AM buying them...again and again and again because I never see the clothes again. Like I said before they come home in clothes that haven't fitted them for over 6m and I bag them off to charity. Each time they go I've lost an outfit. He doesn't have to do any shopping for them. I thought we were sharing the cost of clothes but obviously not. He also gets binbags of handmedowns from his cousins kids for them, I don't see any of that. I have explained many, many times to him - asked him, explained, reasoned, lost my sh*t...six years this has been happening. He's married, good job, mortgage, two cars on the drive. I'm still single and about to graduate so it's been very tight financially and he knows this.

Jammydodger he also used to want a bag making up for them! I stopped doing it when clothes started going missing and old small stuff was getting put in the bag "by mistake".

Angrybird thank you for explaining. Yes at one point I was paying £236 a week for childcare, no help from him. The maintenance plugs the gap in my rent and keeps the roof over our head, I haven't seen my child benefit for 6 yrs for the same reason. All clothes etc are from tax credits which is also bills, food shopping, petrol etc. To say maintenance is just for clothes for the kids is a bit naiive to be honest.

@Just anything is worth a try, OP’s ex may be ‘scared’ into complying so it may work it may not, I had it written into the order anything not returned had to be replaced out of his pocket. Worked for me.

Justmeandthekids yes you're right, it could be SO much worse which is why I have to a degree been taking it on the chin. I just wondered if anyone had found a method that worked

Ah OP I know YOU are buying them, what I meant was does he realise he's meant to buy them too - just wondered if he thought it was your responsibility as he pays you child maintenance if you see what I mean. But if you've had that conversation it sounds like he's just being petty and difficult for no reason.

It's really sad. Sorry I don't have much advice, you could get petty with it too and be just as bad as him. I'd just make sure you get all the clothes your kids went in back when they come back to you, and just hand him back the too-small clothes.

This thread has shocked me a bit tbh I didn't realise people can be so petty and shit.

You have my sympathy, he sounds like a total dick.

I would speak to school and as well as giving a bag, say confidentially that you are concerned that the children are being sent to school in clothing that might hurt or embarrass, and could they keep an eye out because naturally you might not be able to be objective. If they notice, they should address it with him, and if he does not amend ways, should report to social care.

Does he see you when you get the kids back? If so could you very obviously take photos of the kids when you do? Focus on the tight / too short areas and full length shots. Mutter something purposefully about 'logging this as advised' then briskly load kids into car / shut door in his face. Might mess with his idiot head.

Having read your update OP I would do one of two scenarios, send them in the cheapest of the cheap either charity shop or those 1.50 and 2.50 tees and leggings from primark and bin what tat he sends them back in after photos and notes for evidence and hopefully he’ll run out eventually.

Or send them back in the crap he sends them in, and never send another outfit of yours over there.

The school uniforms I would speak to the school about it, and maybe ask them to get on board with them getting changed into the older stuff he sends them to school in. Or you could try throwing the old stuff away and again hope that eventually he runs out of the older too small uniform he has.

Honestly, my experience would be:

He's doing it to provoke a row.

If you react by picking that row, he will be delighted.

Mine also used to complain that I sent the dc in old, scruffy clothes (BECAUSE otherwise I'd never see the decent stuff again).

I just smilingly pointed out that the best thing would be for him to understand that he was responsible for clothing them when they were with him. I was happy to send clothes to last the stay if I got them back, washed & neatly packed, & if this was inconvenient I'd just send them in what they stood up in & he could go shopping.

I had to do this - once - after he'd absolutely taken the piss over things like brand new trainers, school coats, etc disappearing. Apparently he flounced off to Sainsbury's & bought cheap jeans & tshirts all round.

The sending them back in manky stuff did persist until they started challenging it themselves, but by this point I'd wised up & was making sure I only packed clothes that were on the verge of being discarded anyway.

Ultimately, it impacted more on him - he'd ask the kids why they were rocking up in scruffs & they'd explain that they'd rather not bring their recent purchases, thanks, because they didn't want to have to argue with him to get them back.

As I said upthread this was the point at which he realised he looked like an absolute tosser in his dc's eyes & started casting round for a different way to wind me up

He's married, could you speak to his wife? Explain the issue? She must know surely.

Just our of interest my OH ex does this, we never see anything we send over there and it only comes back when it’s too old, small or tatty.

So it’s not just men who are massive turds about this stuff.

Some fantastic advice on here, thank you all but the most reasuring part is that it's not just me. But that's what they manipulate you into thinking isn't it, that just you are the difficult one. I will have a word with the school about bags and go from there. I know the teachers may already have spotted this.

@Bookworm4 oh Christ that would start world war three, not her kids, not her responsibility 🙄

Bookworm she doesn't speak to me alone. He's managed to create a situation that doesn't exist, that I have a problem with her. The girl is normal, sane, my kids love her and have already asked if daddy and * break up will they still get to see her. Why would I have an issue with someone like that, I barely know the girl other than what the kids tell me which is all good. But again, this is something hes created to stop us talking.

It was the other way round for us, mum used to send us to dads in too small old clothes, we used to get changed at dads into nice clothes that were kept there and then changed back into rubbish ones to go back home in

How often to the DC go?

I would keep a detailed log of everything with photo's even if only to give you a sense that you have an overview of his behaviour & so will be able to spot patterns and see through him.
If you do need to build a case against him in the future you'll have it all ready.