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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stay at dc classmates birthday parties if the host parent doesn’t mind?

82 replies

ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:31

Dc are 9 and 5, every time they have a party invite to a classmates birthday I kind of go with the expectation of not staying.

But I do ask if it’s okay every time, but if it’s not okay then obvs I will stay!

Just dropped one dc off at party, host was happy for me to leave but as I was walking out another parent, who I’m friendly with, stopped me and said you not staying?! I replied no, got some work to do at home.

She commented back with you never stay at parties do you! (More a scoffing statement than a question) You just leave dd on her own. She said it in a really judgy way. I just explained that she doesn’t need me to be here, then I left.

It’s true, she doesn’t! The host prob doesn’t want me there either! I know when i’m hosting I’m happier when the parents go so i don’t have to talk to them! I don’t know them! Plus I don’t want to sit in a village hall for 2hrs when my house is 2mins away!

This parent and her dh stay at every party, I think they find it sociable to chat to the parent host. AIBU to think that it’s them who are the odd ones for NOT leaving? And not me for leaving?

Their ds is totally fine without them there, plus even if he wasn’t, it doesn’t take 2 parents to attend!

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 27/04/2019 15:34

Nobody is odd for either staying or leaving, but she certainly shouldn’t be judging you. I take it this was your 5 year old? From 5 onwards where I live, parents start dropping and leaving at parties unless the host specifically asks parents to stay. Usually the host says “It’s fine for you to leave him/her here.” Your friend should wind her neck in Grin

thirdfiddle · 27/04/2019 15:38

Of course YANBU. For DS's class most stayed in reception, most dropped in Y1. For DD's class there were a few clingy ones so more parents stayed and it became a bit of a social occasion, so there are still more parents staying in Y2, but certainly don't think anyone is surprised or resents if you drop off.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 27/04/2019 15:39

Parties should be be an added torture to a busy life imo!!
Wtaf would anyone want to stay??
Vowed when I stayed at the first one ds went to and endured 2 hours of under 4's squealing it would be the last time...

isabellerossignol · 27/04/2019 15:40

It has been made clear to me at every party from P1 onwards that I am not expected to stay. I'd expect they would probably prefer me to leave, since that means they don't feel obliged to give me coffee and cake, or make polite chat to me.

Staying at a 9 year old's party, unless there are special circumstances, is something that I have never seen anyone do.

icanhearapindrop · 27/04/2019 15:41

YANBU. I think she is the odd one for thinking you should stay. I occasionally go with the intention of staying for DD(7), for a bit of a chat with other mums, but literally no one stays these days, and hasn’t for a couple of years. So I just usually end up doing something on my own.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:43

Yeah love my 5yr old. I thought the same too, that it’s normal to leave from this age onwards

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/04/2019 15:43

The only parties I have stayed at were DDs own 5th birthday and one friend's 4th as that was the first one she had been to. I've not stayed at any since, an hour or 2 of peaceful quiet time while she bounces around with her friends!

HennyPennyHorror · 27/04/2019 15:43

A lot stay for 5 year olds because they're less reliable aren't they? They sometimes cry...or throw up or get scared of the entertainer.

I wouldn't stay for a 9 year old though! Are you sure your little one is fine when you leave them and that comment isn't because everyone else ends up looking after them?

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:44

In think third other parent does see it as a parenting social occasion too so is a bit put out when I don’t stay and thinks I’m being unsociable. Tbf, I only know her from the school gates anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:45

Exactly easter I’m currently at home enjoying one on one time with ds, peace and quiet and a brew!

OP posts:
icelolly99 · 27/04/2019 15:45

Unless the venue is miles away from home I always leave mine as long as the host is happy with that. Why would anyone want to stay?!

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:46

I haven’t seen it at any party my 9yr old has been to, but it’s this one couple who’s ds is in dd’s class. They stay at every single one!... No I sound judgy of them, but I’d never comment it to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:48

Oh no henny I know she’s absolutely fine! She’s happy as larry and no bother

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 27/04/2019 15:48

Parents stay around here, kids are 5/6. It's a social thing for the parents and a good opportunity to get to know the other mums and dads.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/04/2019 15:49

If its a partu in the house its a pita when parents want to stay, no space/busy organising. If its at a venue, i dont really care if people stay or not, i dont stay at parties if i can get away with it, its like a form of torture!

Sockwomble · 27/04/2019 15:51

At the village hall type parties we went to with ds when he is was 5, a parent stayed or arranged with another parent to keep an eye on their child. I'm sure 9 year olds would be left.
Both of us usually went with ds because there was a lot of watching and intervention needed.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:52

I don’t need to know the other mums and dads though cook. The ones that I have chatted to at school and got along with are the ones who I socialise with outside of school on weekends and stuff.

OP posts:
ArtisanPopcorn · 27/04/2019 15:54

Took my 5 year old to a party recently, one of her friends parents didn't stay and although the girls didn't mind she obviously wanted an adult to defer to. I basically looked after her for the whole 2 hours. she came to me to ask if she could eat, drink, get her face painted, look after her stuff while she went on the bouncy castle etc. Was a bit annoyed.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/04/2019 16:04

Staying at parties stopped halfway through reception for DD2. Just had her 6th birthday, one parent stayed but we are friends and she knew that my DH was away.
With DD1 we lived somewhere else, so it was more of a mix, but parents stayed to socialize with each other than because they were needed to. Her 6th party was a pool party but some were dropped off, some parents spectated, some got in the pool (usually if they had a younger sibling in the pool).

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 27/04/2019 16:13

I think most parents are expected to stay for a 5yo (foundation stage) party in a church hall. From 6y onwards I would expect to drop and run.

edwinbear · 27/04/2019 16:13

Dropped and run since Y1, if it’s a good friends party and the host has asked me to stay to help, or make up kids:adult ratios, of course I stay, but it’s the exception rather than the norm. In fact DD (7) asks me to go because she thinks it’s ‘babyish’ to have someone stay with her Grin YANBU.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 16:19

artisan I know my dd wouldn't be like that, plus I let her know who the host is before I leave. By the host accepting that I can leave means that she is happy with my dd being there alone

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 16:21

around I’ve always stayed if it’s a pool party. The more adults the better in that situation, but they don’t all have to get in to the pool. I still get in the pool with dd bitnhave stopped now with ds, I still stay though

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 27/04/2019 16:55

If in a public place like kids play centre, or village hall etc, I would stay and if hosting I'd expect other parents to stay unless they had spoken to me. The reason? Because by leaving your child you are handing responsibility to keep your child safe in a public setting with another adult, and you should ensure that other adult knows you are doing so.

So in your scenario OP, as the host was OK with the arrangement, then I'd be fine with it.

I did however enjoy some of the kids parties I went to, as it would be a get together with other mums with kids the same age. That's purely because I was the only one in my friends/family circle that had kids, and I wanted to meet other mums, organise play dates etc. Plus I'm pretty social!

RedSkyLastNight · 27/04/2019 16:59

It was about 50/50 at 5 year old parties so not remotely unreasonable, unless the party parent explicitly organised the party around parents being there.
At 9, I would be hustling parents out of the door unless there was a particular need for them to stay. Surely no 9 year old wants their parents there? Not to mention that at that age parties are often sleepovers ...