Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stay at dc classmates birthday parties if the host parent doesn’t mind?

82 replies

ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:31

Dc are 9 and 5, every time they have a party invite to a classmates birthday I kind of go with the expectation of not staying.

But I do ask if it’s okay every time, but if it’s not okay then obvs I will stay!

Just dropped one dc off at party, host was happy for me to leave but as I was walking out another parent, who I’m friendly with, stopped me and said you not staying?! I replied no, got some work to do at home.

She commented back with you never stay at parties do you! (More a scoffing statement than a question) You just leave dd on her own. She said it in a really judgy way. I just explained that she doesn’t need me to be here, then I left.

It’s true, she doesn’t! The host prob doesn’t want me there either! I know when i’m hosting I’m happier when the parents go so i don’t have to talk to them! I don’t know them! Plus I don’t want to sit in a village hall for 2hrs when my house is 2mins away!

This parent and her dh stay at every party, I think they find it sociable to chat to the parent host. AIBU to think that it’s them who are the odd ones for NOT leaving? And not me for leaving?

Their ds is totally fine without them there, plus even if he wasn’t, it doesn’t take 2 parents to attend!

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 27/04/2019 19:14

I would expect parents to stay (or to have arranged another parent to take responsibility for their child, not the host). My child has Autism/ADHD and I have a younger child too. As a single mum, with my own children to chaperone, I can not and will not take responsibility for anyone elses children.

mycatisblack · 27/04/2019 19:15

It obviously varies enormously depending on where you live and the local cultural norms.
Our first birthday party as hosts when DS was 5 was seriously hard work. (We'd had joint parties up until that point with NCT pals.)
We'd recently moved house and invited about 10 kids to ours because we assumed a few parents would stay and help as that was our experience in our previous place. No bugger did and some were pretty late returning. In one case we were getting quite anxious as they were over an hour late but I've since learnt that this parent is genuinely lovely but very laid back.
Since then we just do cinema trips for DS plus 2 pals.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 27/04/2019 19:31

Staying is the norm here, even at 8. I certainly wouldn't have left a 5 yr old. So someone leaving would be notable only because it isn't normally done, but not judge worthy.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 19:31

Because I can do it married Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 19:33

So then you say that thismust when the parent asks?

More fool the parent if they say yes when they don’t actually mean yes!

OP posts:
dirtystinkyrats · 27/04/2019 19:35

I wouldn’t leave my 5 year old in the care of a parent I don’t know no, but I would leave him at a party where he knows the host parent or another parent there if they were happy to keep an eye on him. So it depends who is hosting.

LaCastafiore · 27/04/2019 19:42

In my area, it's awfully rude to drop and run, sorry. If you put the host on the stop, they can hardly say no, but here you will be judged and be the local CF. It's just not the done thing, everybody works on the idea that parents stay so big parties are fine.

5 years old are far too young to be left alone, go to the toilets completely unsupervised, not disappear, eat and so on. No way only 2 parents could take care of the whole group.

What does happen is that 1 parent take 2 kids (3 at a push) if it's easier, but they are responsible for them.

It's different everywhere, but here, you are the CF abusing free childcare and the good will of others who will help out and look after your kid. If the host doesn't want parent, they would specifically write on the invitation that you are welcome to drop off if you prefer. It's very rare they do. Parents who run don't tend to be invited much.

Let's be clear, no adult actually enjoys kids parties, no adult actually stay because it's their idea of fun! No adult is interested in babysitting your little darling.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/04/2019 19:43

Because I can do it married So everyone else should be able to? I do the big hall parties because my children ask me to. Its not my thing and no parent drops off without having another responsible adult (not me!) to look after their child in foundation. Luckily I've not had to have that worry as parents usually stay.

llangennith · 27/04/2019 19:51

I've sat through many a party at a village hall or soft play when I'd much rather have been somewhere else. Anywhere else actually.

Till they're about 6 or 7 I think a parent should stay and not dump responsibility for their child onto some other parent.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/04/2019 19:55

It seems the main thing is manners here - you don't just assume you can drop and run, you check it's OK first.

In my neck of the woods, as I said previously - 30 x 5year olds in a public setting like soft play - parents stay. 8 x 9year olds in a private home - you don't stay. That's the expectation.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 20:06

lacasta as I’ve mentioned already, I ask first. I also have no issues with people leaving their children with me when I host. It’s swings and roundabouts

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 20:07

I doooooooooooo shawshanks that’s what I’ve been saying the whole time. It’s like talking to a fooking brick wall on here

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 20:15

married you ARE the responsible adult. By inviting them you are happy for them to be there. Unless you specifically say in your invitation that you need parents to stay to help, then it is up to you to make sure you have the adequate childcare arrangements. Possibly family members, or ask a couple of mums beforehand. But don’t assume that the parents will stay.

You’re the one who has chosen to do a party on a weekend.

My dd went to the cinema for a party with her friend a while ago, they picked her up from my house and as soon as she was out of my sight she was THEIR responsibility.

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/04/2019 20:41

There is a huge difference between pickup and drop and run. Ive paid for a hall, bouncy castle, didi cars, food (plus prep), cake, goody bags. I personally did that for my child. I dont want to watch yours. You also question it by putting it on aibu.

I agree, hosts own fault for saying yes. Id laugh and say you're joking right. At worst you're thoughtless and selfish. But dont act like its a two way thing. It isn't. Did you just think everyone would agree with you?

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 20:49

No totally not but you’re making me out to be a cheeky fucking childcare skivvy Confused

OP posts:
BogstandardBelle · 27/04/2019 20:55

Always expected to drop and run from the age of 3-4yrs and up. But we're in France and things are a bit different here. Occasionally I've hung around in case I'd be invited to stay.. but no, ushered out the door even at the 4yr old party. The only time I've seen a parent stay is when the child has specific issues. Children's parties are not socialising events for parents here.

Actually, when DC were younger we would have parties that had a mix of French school friends and British other friends. Without fail, the French parents would drop and run - even the 3/4 yr olds - while the Brits would hang around, scoff the sausage rolls and keep the teapot filled! It's a definite cultural difference.

LaCastafiore · 27/04/2019 20:59

as I’ve mentioned already, I ask first.
great, but what do you expect the host to reply? Of course they will say that it's fine, they are polite.

Your clue should be if they tell you "please feel free to stay or come back for pick-up at xx o'clock" when you drop off.

3 kids in your living-room is one thing, a big birthday party another entirely. Just think: do you really expect the 2 hosts to: keep an eye on kid, manage the food and drinks, the toilet breaks, the upset, the door?
Help would be more than appreciated with a bunch of 9 year old as it is, but at 5? Seriously?

LaCastafiore · 27/04/2019 21:01

BogstandardBelle
I have been to kids birthday parties in France and when they were not hosted in somebody's house or flat, parents were expected to stay too! Renting a hall for a bunch of 5 year old seemed to be less common in the region where I was than it is here.

BogstandardBelle · 27/04/2019 21:02

Though I should say that whole class / village hall parties are unheard of here. The biggest I've ever seen has been 12 kids - and that was us, after a rookie error of inviting some back-ups as DS birthday is during the school holidays - and then everyone said yes!

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/04/2019 21:13

No totally not but you’re making me out to be a cheeky fucking childcare skivvy

Wink You said it. But if you can ignore that then you're fine. Just dont judge those who stay back. A bit of solidarity goes a long way. Not all parents drop and run.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 21:14

Bit rich preaching about solidarity when you’re calling parents who do drop and run cheeky fuckers. Hmm

LaCastafiore · 27/04/2019 21:18

when you’re calling parents who do drop and run cheeky fuckers.

what else would you call them? They leave the joy of managing their own kids to parents, who also have a life, a job and would also love to be in a dozen of other places first. Of course they could also drop and run, but ultimately people try to do nice things for their children, and be pleasant to people who invite them.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 21:29

People in your circle, in your experience.

Being on Mumsnet alone should show you that lots of parents don’t like others to stay.

Just because it’s different to what you do doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Hmm

I hate when parents stay at my dc’s parties. I’d much rather they fucked off and didn’t use a kids party as a socializing event for themselves.

You always see “a chance to chat with other parents”. That’s my idea of hell. Different to you, but not wrong.

Or are you arrogant enough to assume that the way you do things is the right way, and everyone else is wrong?

jacksonmaine · 27/04/2019 21:29

If village hall/ soft play than I would stay until they are about 7-8years old unless the party was being held by someone my child knew well. It doesn't lie right to leave them unattended. They can cry, get lost maybe wander outside?

LaCastafiore · 27/04/2019 21:41

IvanaPee
I have enough manners and common sense to pay attention to the host request and to ask around what is the usual custom where I am.

Having moved my kids in various countries over the years, I seem to be less arrogant than some and assume MY way is the only way.

If you hate when parents stay, I am sure you make it clear to them and don't assume they are mind-readers Smile