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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stay at dc classmates birthday parties if the host parent doesn’t mind?

82 replies

ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 15:31

Dc are 9 and 5, every time they have a party invite to a classmates birthday I kind of go with the expectation of not staying.

But I do ask if it’s okay every time, but if it’s not okay then obvs I will stay!

Just dropped one dc off at party, host was happy for me to leave but as I was walking out another parent, who I’m friendly with, stopped me and said you not staying?! I replied no, got some work to do at home.

She commented back with you never stay at parties do you! (More a scoffing statement than a question) You just leave dd on her own. She said it in a really judgy way. I just explained that she doesn’t need me to be here, then I left.

It’s true, she doesn’t! The host prob doesn’t want me there either! I know when i’m hosting I’m happier when the parents go so i don’t have to talk to them! I don’t know them! Plus I don’t want to sit in a village hall for 2hrs when my house is 2mins away!

This parent and her dh stay at every party, I think they find it sociable to chat to the parent host. AIBU to think that it’s them who are the odd ones for NOT leaving? And not me for leaving?

Their ds is totally fine without them there, plus even if he wasn’t, it doesn’t take 2 parents to attend!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 27/04/2019 17:02

I think you're fine as long as the host knows and has a number to co tact you in an emergency.

I once had a parent drop their dc off outside our village hall party to come in alone and I had no idea she was there until they showed up to collect her. Luckily she was fine and located on the bouncy castle, but I hadn't checked on her in 2 hours as I had the other dc I knew I was responsible for!

HolesinTheSoles · 27/04/2019 17:04

It depends. Big Hall type parties parents tend to stay (siblings are usually invited so it's easier just to stay). It's easier as sometimes the kids venture outside (there's a little garden but it's next to the car park) and need supervision. If someone wants to leave they usually ask another parent to watch theirs so host can concentrate on getting food out etc.

Parties in someone's house the host has has specifically asked that parents don't stay unless necessary as there isn't space.

If you've asked the host and they've said yes and your DC is fine there can't be a problem though.

AhhhHereItGoes · 27/04/2019 17:21

I think it's been half/half around here in DD1s class (year 1) but nearly all stayed last year or one parent kept an eye on a few others.

I have had a few kids who have deferred to me when their parent left so gave me their coats/scrunchies, told me they were going to the bathroom etc but I didn't mind.

I expect next year I won't need to stay unless Its far away and not worth my while to go back but may have a little wander around the place/check out events cafe.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/04/2019 17:34

Ive been asked to keep an eye on children of parents who dont stay because they have things to do. I think 5 is a bit young as you are actually assuming someone else will look after your child. The host is usually really busy so who does that leave if your child falls/needs help? A hall is very different to a house party. Yabu.

lifeoffun · 27/04/2019 17:36

I never stay if it's okay with the host and to be honest when I threw my DDs party I preferred the parents that pissed off and let me get on with it.

outsho · 27/04/2019 17:36

These threads are fairly common.

I have never stayed at a birthday party and never would think to. I have other DC and often no alternative childcare, I wouldn’t expect them to host my other DC as well so no I don’t stay.

When I was a child parents never stayed and it would’ve been weird if they did.

Parker231 · 27/04/2019 17:39

Wouldn’t stay with 5 year olds - they are with friends, use to be away from their parents for the day and mine never noticed whether I was there or not. Too busy having fun!

sackrifice · 27/04/2019 17:39

I would stay and if hosting I'd expect other parents to stay unless they had spoken to me. The reason? Because by leaving your child you are handing responsibility to keep your child safe in a public setting with another adult, and you should ensure that other adult knows you are doing so.

By inviting the child, and not the child plus a parent, you are surely making the initial decision to keep their kids safe in a public setting?

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 17:43

married But I always ask the host if it’s okay, so how is it unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 17:44

Same here lifeoffun

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 17:46

That’s the other thing outsho my 9yr old doesn’t want to sit in on a 5yr old’s party for 2hrs! And I can’t leave him at home alone for that long either.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 27/04/2019 17:48

Agree sackrifice If you are not willing to take any responsibility for children at a party that you have hosted then maybe you should think hard about actually hosting one again?

I’ve had shy kids, kids get hurt, boisterous kids at my house during a party, it’s my responsibility to deal with them, comfort them, tell them off etc..... This is why I never hold whole class parties! 🙈

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/04/2019 17:52

I don’t stop

I check with the parents and then sod off. My dd (6) doesn’t want me to stay and I’m so pleased. 2 hours in a hall with screaming children is not my idea of fun

Marriedwithchildren5 · 27/04/2019 17:54

Perhaps the host feel awkward? Ive been at the party where the host has told me they've been put on the spot and said yes. Why would you assume that on top of hosting a big village hall party the host could handle every fall out or injury? Its pretty selfish at 5 to do this. However if its the 9 year old then i dont think its an issue.

Youve also been a tad judgy on the ones who do stay. Im always thankful to the ones who stay.

Smoggle · 27/04/2019 17:57

If you invite school age kids to a party, you expect to take responsibility for them!

I always arrange for a couple of other adults to stay at parties to help supervise the guests. You shouldn't invite 30 children if you can't manage that many.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/04/2019 18:01

I used to stay. I was in the minority though and extremely over protective.
I do have admit that.

You were not being unreasonable, at all.

Order654 · 27/04/2019 18:07

I think 5 is to young to leave to get on with it at a party on her own.

screamer1 · 27/04/2019 18:11

I went to a 6 year olds cinema party recently. 20 kids, non of the parents stayed. All kids bar birthday girl were horrificly behaved. Kids crawling around,throwing popcorn, walking out,fighting and punching screen. The host parents ended up having to call time on it. I don't know enough about kids parties, but on that occasion the parents should definitely have stayed since their kids couldn't be trusted to behave properly.

pinkgloves · 27/04/2019 18:13

I've never seen a party where parents don't all stay. Ds is 5.

Smoggle · 27/04/2019 18:13

screamer - taking 20 kids to the cinema was a pretty stupid idea though, what were the hosts thinking?

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 18:16

She sounds like one of those saddos who uses kids parties as a social event for herself. Worse that she brings her dh!

I’d ignore her. Your dc was happy. Host was happy. You were happy.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/04/2019 18:18

Well I guess I'm in a minority then, because there would be no way I would want to take responsibility for 30 kids on my own in a public soft play area.

Luckily the many times my kids went to parties, it was expected that parents would stay unless agreed otherwise with the host, or that a friend who was trying would take responsibility.

elliejjtiny · 27/04/2019 18:18

I always ask the hosting parent what they would like me to do. I have left ds1 and ds3 from when they were 5. I always stay with ds2 (aged 11) because he has spd. I stay with my 5 year old and my 4 year old although the 4 year old very rarely goes to parties as he is autistic and can't cope with them.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/04/2019 18:20

not trying - staying!

dimples76 · 27/04/2019 18:54

All the 5th birthday parties I have taken my son too all the parents have stayed. It's common for someone to ask another parent (not the host) to look after their child if they leave. My expectation was that after Reception it would be dropping off although as my son has SN that may not be possible for us.

I have found it a good opportunity to get to know other parents that I haven't met on the school run. I guess I must be a 'saddo' too because whilst some have been tortuous others have been fun and I have enjoyed a good chat whilst watching DS have fun with his classmates.

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