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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws still contacting me 5 years on!

88 replies

Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:20

I cut off the in-laws 5 years ago. DH followed suit soon after.

5 years on and they are still sending texts and emails. I block, they change their number or use someone else’s phone.

They don’t contact DH, well not for a year, but I get something (including a lot of hang up calls but I can’t prove that is them) every few weeks. Four times already this year not counting the hang up calls.

I can’t change my number. It’s a work number and printed on books and literature all over. I looked into call/text diverting systems but the IL messages would just get through that.

Their messages aren’t rude these days (they were at first, rude and threatening) they just tell me things to tell my son, such as “Tell x his relatives want him to know he is one of them” and stuff like that 🙄.

Is there anything I can do to just block them once and for all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:21

I’ve just had a blank email this morning. Nothing else, just a blank email from DH’s father. It’s as if they want me to know that they are always there and can always get to me 🙄.

OP posts:
Brandnewshit · 27/04/2019 11:21

By contacting the police?

Ratbagratty · 27/04/2019 11:21

Police, this is harrasment and needs to be treated as such.

youwouldthink · 27/04/2019 11:25

Would having a solicitor sending them a letter to insist they stop with contact to you or your will report as harassement work do you think?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/04/2019 11:27

Ignore them ?

Does it actually impact negatively or is it a minor annoyance?

Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:30

Do you think it is a police issue? I have no qualms about doing that but not sure if it is.

I have ignored them for years so I wonder whether I should send them a last letter or email saying do not contact me so I have something to give to the police to show I have asked them to stop. (The last time I told them this was years ago - and it was verbal, not in writing - so they could say I’d never said it or that they had forgotten or thought it didn’t count 5 years on or something.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:31

Thing is, they have no way of knowing their messages get through, if I do contact them, they’ll know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:37

Does it actually impact negatively or is it a minor annoyance?

If I mention it to DH it causes tension. His attitude is he has cut them off and there is nothing he can do. He doesn’t even like hearing about them (think he is embarrassed) but they are in my life because of him!

So it does impact negatively in that I feel I am on my own with it. And I do sort of feel threatened although they no longer say they will come to my house whenever they want to see my son. I think they must have realised that those sort of messages could get them into trouble.

OP posts:
ControversialFerret · 27/04/2019 11:38

But they'll know just by dint of the fact that you haven't changed your number - and by using different numbers and email addresses you won't have any way of blocking them before they contact you.

One email from a throwaway email address, advising that you have told them clearly not to contact you, and that any further texts, emails or calls will be logged with the police.

CoraPirbright · 27/04/2019 11:38

5 years!! I think the police could be involved - surely that would come under harassment? Are they the type who would be mortified if the police turned up & the neighbours saw or would they not be bothered?

toomuchtooold · 27/04/2019 11:40

I wouldn't send them anything. The book The Gift of Fear has good advice for how to deal with stalkers, which is essentially what they are at this point. The guy recommends not contacting them directly, I remember that - as you've alluded to, contact is the reward they're looking for so if even if you contact them to tell them to sod off, it's likely to encourage them.

Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:42

ControversialFerret they will know my number is on products out there but don’t if I read the texts, same goes for emails. I think that’s what the hang up calls are about, to see if I answer that number or whether someone else does.

They seem to spend a great deal of time trying to get to me!

OP posts:
Sindragosan · 27/04/2019 11:45

Police. BT certainly used to be able to help if a landline was involved, don't know about mobiles.

They may not see it as harassment? I know in one complicated family what was seen as harassment by one side was seen as trying to reinstate contact by the other. 'If I keep trying, they'll talk to me eventually'

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/04/2019 11:45

Get a new number for all your personal contacts and things like your doctor etc and then just keep the old number for work and in laws

stucknoue · 27/04/2019 11:45

It depends on why you are nc. If they simply want a relationship with their son and are desperate to reestablish then police won't be interesting, if there's a more sinister back story then it could be harassment though unless there's threats I still doubt they will be able to do anything. Is it not worth the communicating with them, him explain why he doesn't want them in his life?

mando12345 · 27/04/2019 11:46

Can't you just block their number, I did this with abusive relatives.

Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:48

CoraPirbright I’m not sure. Their wider family has had police involvement but not the PILs themselves.

toomuchtoools thank you. Will read that book.

Maybe it is just to continue to ignore them then and find some coping mechanisms my end. The worst is when they send pictures with the demand I give them to my son. My son doesn’t remember them (he was less than one year old when we cut them off) and we never give him the pictures of course but I open up a mail and they they are grinning out at me 😩.

OP posts:
00100001 · 27/04/2019 11:53

oh!

Get a sim card - and send them a message from it saying "hi everyone, this is my new number" (as though you have sent it to all contacts) and then chuck it away.

00100001 · 27/04/2019 11:54

and then after a few months or whatever, if they still contact you on the'old' number.

Just respond by going "who is this? you must have wrong number." or similar.

wigglypiggly · 27/04/2019 11:55

Dont open their emails, send them straight to delete or junk ifyou need evidence. Set up a new work email account. Can you keep the numbers they call you on then ask your provider to block those numbers. I would speak to the police and see if they can tell them to stop.

00100001 · 27/04/2019 11:56

or just keep on blocking any numbers that send messages about dh

Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 11:57

stucknoue If they want a relationship with their son they should contact him directly! They did, for 4 years, now seem to have given up and started on me.

The backstory shows them in a hugely bad light. They are not nice people.

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Original poster
Marypoppinshats · 27/04/2019 12:00

To be clear, it is my son that they are sending messages and pictures for and my husband who they have stopped contacting. They haven’t sent any messages via me for DH. I think they have given up on him.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2019 12:01

Set up a new work e-mail account. How many people have called you anyway from books and or literature?. Probably not many and your number could therefore be changed.

Radio silence from you needs to be maintained; what these people are doing is known as "hoovering" and is done to try and draw you back in. They are going after you because they see you still as the weakest link and therefore easy to manipulate into doing their bidding.

If they are using someone else's phone to contact you that person should be ignored by you also because they are not interested in hearing your side of things.

I would contact the police re their harassment of you.

Send anything of theirs to a junk folder.

Innernutshell · 27/04/2019 12:08

Any attention is likely to make them feel that what they are doing is working.

Practice refocusing your thinking onto something else immediately they come into your mind - whether thats by email/phone or any other means. [even your thoughts] Don't allow them room in your mind.

Be aware that often there is an extinction burst [escalation] of negative behaviour right before it stops.