In-laws still contacting me 5 years on!

[Marypoppinshats]

I cut off the in-laws 5 years ago. DH followed suit soon after.

5 years on and they are still sending texts and emails. I block, they change their number or use someone else’s phone.

They don’t contact DH, well not for a year, but I get something (including a lot of hang up calls but I can’t prove that is them) every few weeks. Four times already this year not counting the hang up calls.

I can’t change my number. It’s a work number and printed on books and literature all over. I looked into call/text diverting systems but the IL messages would just get through that.

Their messages aren’t rude these days (they were at first, rude and threatening) they just tell me things to tell my son, such as “Tell x his relatives want him to know he is one of them” and stuff like that 🙄.

Is there anything I can do to just block them once and for all?

I hope you get it sorted out, it's terrible that they have been doing this for years 😡

I would contact the police for advice.
I personally wouldn’t tell the il that they are causing you fear and alarm, I wouldn’t want them to know they had that power over me.
It’s good you have blocked them again but I suspect they will find a way.

I highly recommend you have a solicitor send them a certified cease and desist letter, informing them that if they contact you again, you WILL be going to the police to pursue charges of harassment and stalking.

MrsHound As they started off with DH and harassed him for about 4 years (until DH sent a text telling them in no uncertain terms to not contact us) they probably think are being clever by starting on me this year.
I have no doubt at all that they would lie to the police and say that they didn’t know that I was not to be contacted and they were only sending messages to my son.

I did see a solicitor about them when they threatened to come to my home years ago (for a couple of weeks I thought it might split DH and I up as he was minimising it even though they were threatening me, but then he came through) and they told me to keep records etc. but they stopped contacting me when DH cut them off and concentrated on bombarding him instead.

To be honest I would rather they sent stuff to me because they were asking DH to sneak my (then) baby out to meet them and stuff like that and it worried me. DH never did of course but I did wonder if they said MIL was dying that he might be swayed to send photos or something. It is up to him whether he sees them of course and he doesn’t want to but in the early days of cut off he did wonder aloud whether he should just send photographs of the baby but say no contact, just to appease them 😲. I vetoed that of course and he never did. He’s scared of them I think.

I personally wouldn’t tell the il that they are causing you fear and alarm, I wouldn’t want them to know they had that power over me.

That was my first instinct but I think MrsHound is right, it tells them exactly what and why and there is no arguing with that. They cannot say I am not alarmed.

I don’t care what they think of me, they are horrid people. MIL stalked an ex of her daughters for over a decade, might still do it, so this is what they are like. They will not allow people to not want to see them. They doorstep any family members that don’t pick up the phone to them. They are bullies.

If they are calling you on a bit line set up call protect. It's free, you call 1572 after the call and it blocks that number. When I got silent calls inever said hello first, let them just sit there saying nothing, its them wasting their money not me.

I don't think 4 contacts in as many months is harassment.

If it was 4 times a day, maybe the police would be interested. Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear, but I don't think this would come under actionable harassment.

I agree with having a work phone and a private phone.

havingtochangeusernameagain Since we cut them off an dDH sent the first text, and told them verbally, to leave us alone, they have sent hundreds of messages. It has only been 4 to me this year.

You can return mail and parcels without putting "Not known" on - just use "Return to sender".

This may not help but we had hideous problems with a neighbour from hell, really nasty stuff - false allegations of serious crimes, trying to get OH sacked, false allegations to social services, anonymous letters to DH saying I was having an affair, calls to RSPCA etc. Police were pretty useless until we complained to the Cheif Constable directly. What we did find helped was making a joke e.g. referring to them by silly names. It sounds childish but it just took the edge off the stress they caused.

Can you afford a virtual secretary service?. It’s less personal than a mobile number if it’s an 0300 number or some such.

It frees up a mobile number for you so you don’t dread text messages.

My parents still send me cards 14y after I last spoke to them. .

It might be worth contacting the solicitor again and seeing whether or not you can send a "cease and desist" letter to them without having first contacted them directly.

I also wouldn't tell them that they are causing you fear and alarm, just that their behaviour is harassment and causing you unnecessary upset (or something that isn't quite as "big" as fear and alarm) - but the solicitor should know the best way to phrase it.

countrygirl99 Within a month of cutting off MIL I had a strange message from a branch of social services detailing an appointment.

I rang them and said there had been a mistake and they must’ve muddled me up with someone else. They said it was impossible because I would have had to self refer but there were odd details on my file. They didn’t have my son’s doctor’s name or anything like that. The SS woman was really puzzled and asked if anyone else cared for my son.

I am convinced it was MIL trying to cause trouble. I heard her say time and time again she was going to report people to social services when she didn’t like them, she just lies. No idea whether she ever did it but she certainly threatened. Thing is she’s hundreds of miles away from us so she couldn’t ring and lie as “concerned neighbour”. So I think she had somehow pretended to be me or at least a carer for my son.

I would send a Solicitors letter, as strongly worded as the can muster.

This needs to stop. Now. It’s really bad for your mental health and well being.

Your DH needs to stop being a dick as well. I agree there’s not much he can do to stop them, but he’s being massively dickish not supporting you & making you feel like it’s got nothing to do with him.

What a cow. Stuff like that is particularly upsetting. I had a day off when it happened to us and when a colleague asked me if I'd had a good day I just burst into tears and ended up having to tell my manager what had been going on. I'm sure he must have thought I was exaggerating it was so extreme. If I'd been on here at the time no doubt I would have been accused of trolling. Still, Mr Toad and Lady LALa went quiet in the end. Still next door but they've realised their attempts to drive us out won't work and if they see us they look like they've been slapped with a wet haddock and that makes us chuckle now.

Fluffycloudland77

14 years?! 😲😩

What about something like this for the emails: www.firetrust.com/products/mailwasher-pro ?

If I recall correctly it used to be able to send 'bounceback' mailbox unknown messages if you wanted it to, to give the appearance that your address was no longer available. Even if it doesn't do that now, you can still screen/delete your emails without them knowing they've been received.

Your DH needs to stop being a dick as well. I agree there’s not much he can do to stop them, but he’s being massively dickish not supporting you & making you feel like it’s got nothing to do with him.

Yes, he goes through stages. Sometimes he is supportive and is bewildered why they are acting this way and sometimes he just says “Well call the police, it’s nothing to do with me” 😡. He was more supportive in that he complained about them more when they were harassing him!

Collect a few months worth of evidence and go to the Police.

Thanks all for the suggestions for mail filters and phone tricks, will be looking into them.

We have an answerphone on the landline that screens calls and DH blocked the IL’s numbers years ago. Since then we have changed our provider and so I don’t know if it is still working. Will check. We get lots of hang up calls in the landline but I assume many of them are cold calls. I rarely answer that phone. We only have it because it is a package with the internet and is useful if the mobiles have a bad signal.

Recently on my mobile number I got four or five calls in the space of one minute where it would ring and switch off or be silent if I answered. Then one call came from the area code of the ILs 🙄. Must have been a landline but I have the main numbers blocked. I tried ringing it back (using 141 to hide my number) but no one answered. I think they had used 141 when ringing me and then forgot!

I’m not a game player though and can’t be bothered with them. I just wish they would go away.

Consider how you both would feel if your son cut you off when he grows up, refuses to acknowledge you and will not let you have any contact with your grandchildren. Short of being mass murderers or serial killers I think you might be upset.
They are desperate for contact and the authorities may also take the same view. Laws may be on the books in the future to make grandparents have legal rights to see children, irrespective of the parents wishes so an olive branch now may be what is needed. Pride poisons everybody.

hi Marypoppinshats
The reason I said to say it's causing you fear and alarm etc is to make sure that the police can't take a 'lots of people don't get on with the in laws - get over it' attitude. Also once you have said this to them, if they continue to do it, it takes it to a different level. My personal opinion is why should you have to have the expense of solicitors and so on? They are stalking, they have shown a course of conduct and involved others. They need to pack it in.

As someone who has been through this exact same thing, I thought I should post.

In my case, the calls, whether silent or not, began to mount up even after 7 years of no contact - a wish given directly by phone with a witness. So I got rid of my landline, got a new mobile etc.

Then the calls came to my work, but I could block them on the handset for my extension.

So they changed tack and started to call the switchboard and ask for HR.
Fun.

What has worked so far is a cease and desist lawyer's letter detailing thrir contact attempts, restating no contact and making clear that the next stop would be court (for an interdict under Scottish law).

Best £450 I have ever spent.
Two years of freedom and counting.
This was because I live abroad, yes, I'd migrated too and that didn't work.

Either nip into your local police station or get other legal advice. Log the calls. Redirect using a filter the mails to a folder so that you have the record without having to open them, put any old mails there too.
Do not contact them directly, it would work like oxygen to a fire.

Going NC wasn't on a whim for me, it came from years of abuse from childhood onwards.
And it can be something really hard to understand for people who have never experienced the like.
I hope this all passes and your family finds pesce soon.

Logging the calls is a good tip. If you ever do need to go to the police you will need a record

Ated They are abusers.