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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let down by friend

97 replies

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:16

I have a very good friend who I don't see as much as I used to because she lives at the other end of the country. She's known me for a long time and knows a lot more about my problems than most people.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the time she didn't know quite how bad it was because when things got really bad she had just moved away and was getting her new life organised. I've since told her about everything that happened with him and she was shocked. It all happened a long time ago but I still have problems with my ex as we have DC.

She's a kind and trusting person. She is open to being friends with anyone but at the same time is vulnerable to being walked all over.

My ex had a meeting in the city she lives in last Monday. He contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink after his meeting and she did. I have no idea what they talked about but it's more than likely she will have told him stuff about me I didn't want him to know. I'm upset she even accepted the invitation. She would have done this because she wouldn't have liked to say no. My ex did it as it follows a long-standing pattern. Anyone who's been in an abusive relationship will know it was designed to upset me. There's no romantic/sexual element between them to this. It's just about insinuating himself into my personal life.

I haven't been in touch with my friend and I don't know if I can. She won't realise how much I feel she's betrayed me. She won't realise she's been manipulated but she should have known better than to socialise with someone who has made my life so difficult.

Is this the end of our friendship (probable desired result for ex)?

OP posts:

nauseous5000 · 27/04/2019 10:21

If she's a good friend as you say she is, don't let him win! Don't let it ruin your friendship

Hellbentwellwent · 27/04/2019 10:22

Well if you let it be the end of your friendship and that was his intention you’re just proving to him that he does have power still over you and he’ll be thrilled. You need to shake off the effect he had over you in beating your self esteem down and making you not want to use your voice. Talk to your friend. Explain that you’re hurt but that you know she wouldn’t have understood the design of his intentions m, you’re hurt by him not her... just disappointed in her more than anything. But if you talk it out with her, you’ll strengthen your friendship and strenghten your defences against his shittery in the process.

Leeds2 · 27/04/2019 10:23

How did you find out that they had met up?

EleanorReally · 27/04/2019 10:24

You know she couldnt say no.
dont let this ruin your friendship.

MsLayla · 27/04/2019 10:25

Agree with PP, don't let him win.
She sounds like a nice person and made a mistake. You could tell her, in a nice way (not in an argumentative way) that you're now worried he knows more about your life than you'd like and to please not meet up with him again, or at least don't discuss you at all.

Tell her it's made you feel worried and uncomfortable, but it certainly doesn't have to be the end of your friendship.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:31

I'm worried about what she'll have said to him about me. She may not have realised what he doesn't know. I work really hard to keep my life private from him because of the way he's used details against me in the past. I feel so exposed. She hasn't even been in touch to tell me they met. She could have told me as soon as he got in touch and I could have warned her about his intentions.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 27/04/2019 10:32

She sounds like a twat.
Why has she got no loyalty?
She could have told him she was busy and I’d be making it clear to her that she has lost a good friend because of her lack of ability to “say no.”

SnapesGreasyHair · 27/04/2019 10:50

I'd be so upset. No loyalty to you. Why did she need to meet him? Were they friends independently from you?

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:55

No, they weren't friends independently. She only knew him through me and only ever saw him when he was with me. I suppose I just let it fizzle out. This is far from the first time my ex has ruined a friendship. He did it when we were together and has done it since we split up.

OP posts:

Tink88 · 27/04/2019 11:00

She’s not a good friend if she wasn’t friends with them independently from you why on earth would she agree to meet him even if she finds it hard to say no I can’t see any way she would say yes.
I would ask her what she told him about you

MRex · 27/04/2019 11:03

You've told her that he was abusive and she met him with no good reason and without asking your opinion first - all that put together and she isn't a friend, sorry. Move on and get new friends who'll stand by you.

goldenchicken · 27/04/2019 11:07

Some friend! Meeting your abusive and manipulative ex.

Long time friend who is supposedly 'super nice' or not; she would be ghosted, pretty fucking sharpish.

What a snake she is!

And she is NOT a friend! Bin her.

goldenchicken · 27/04/2019 11:08

I would bin ANYONE in my life who started to become chummy with someone who they KNOW had upset me and affected my life and caused me problems and issues. No matter WHO they are, they would be ghosted.

MzHz · 27/04/2019 11:10

Are you sure she actually did meet him?

Your ex could be lying to have the same effect

If I were you, I’d raise the subject with her and say that you absolutely know how convincing his is, and how manipulative he would have been to suggest meeting her, but that she was being used by him to get at you and she needed to understand what was going on.

I would also say to her that you’re not angry with her in any way, because you know what he’s like, but that clearly you don’t want any information about you being passed to him because he will look for ways to leverage that info into some kind of weapon.

If this breaks your friendship, it’s what he wants and you’re determined not to let that happen, but you felt that she needed to know that spending time with him is like swimming with piranhas.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/04/2019 11:12

She could have said no, but she didn't, she didnt have to be mean but could've came up with an excuse, or she could've told him to fuck off, since she knows he's a horrible abusive arse!

MzHz · 27/04/2019 11:12

If she did go, he’d have packaged it about being worried about you/dc, you know this right? She’d have gone thinking it was for your benefit

WidoWanky · 27/04/2019 11:13

She hasnt told you albout meeting your ex? This has all come from who? Him? Are you sure you are not being played? I would phone her, get her take on it.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/04/2019 11:13

Your friend sounds rather stupid, sorry!

Did you know this was going to happen or did you only find out after the event?

If I were you, as she lives so far away I would phone her up for a chat. Write down a few things so that you have them in front of you while you are talking, so that you don't forget what you want to say or ask her.

HOpefully she will be mortified and apologetic and understand your point of view. Also, hopefully she had the sense not to tell him too much about you - probably best you find out exactly how much, rather than worrying about it. Also, ask her open questions - don't ask "you didn't tell him much about me did you?" Ask instead, "what kind of things did you tell him about me?" Ask her to tell you the truth.

Wishing you well, what a horrible situation for you.

MzHz · 27/04/2019 11:14

Find out what happened from her own mouth and then look at what’s actually happened before you gift wrap him the satisfaction of watching you lose a vital life support

CupOhTea · 27/04/2019 11:14

I think it’s very uncool of her not to tell you. If this was one of my friends, I’d tell her as soon as he got in touch and ask her what she wanted me to do. Yanbu. I think she’s behaved really poorly.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/04/2019 11:16

Re. all the comments to the tune of: 'don't let him ruin your friendship'.

He hasn't done that. She has.

I'm sorry, OP

Everydaypeople · 27/04/2019 11:17

Who told you they met up?

outsho · 27/04/2019 11:20

She should have said no but didn’t. I don’t buy into NT adults struggling to say no. She has the capacity to say no but chose not to. She isn’t a good friend, I would ditch her personally. I understand not wanting to ‘let your ex win’ but who knows what tripe she has been telling him about you.

She isn’t a true friend imo, knowing what he put you through and still choosing to go drinking with him.

Drum2018 · 27/04/2019 11:20

How do you know they met? I'd contact her and ask her straight out what she told him.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/04/2019 11:23

Well if he is very manipulative perhaps he said something that persuaded her to meet him. Maybe she thought she was helping?

Call her, talk to her, explain how he does this to piss you off.

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