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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let down by friend

97 replies

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:16

I have a very good friend who I don't see as much as I used to because she lives at the other end of the country. She's known me for a long time and knows a lot more about my problems than most people.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the time she didn't know quite how bad it was because when things got really bad she had just moved away and was getting her new life organised. I've since told her about everything that happened with him and she was shocked. It all happened a long time ago but I still have problems with my ex as we have DC.

She's a kind and trusting person. She is open to being friends with anyone but at the same time is vulnerable to being walked all over.

My ex had a meeting in the city she lives in last Monday. He contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink after his meeting and she did. I have no idea what they talked about but it's more than likely she will have told him stuff about me I didn't want him to know. I'm upset she even accepted the invitation. She would have done this because she wouldn't have liked to say no. My ex did it as it follows a long-standing pattern. Anyone who's been in an abusive relationship will know it was designed to upset me. There's no romantic/sexual element between them to this. It's just about insinuating himself into my personal life.

I haven't been in touch with my friend and I don't know if I can. She won't realise how much I feel she's betrayed me. She won't realise she's been manipulated but she should have known better than to socialise with someone who has made my life so difficult.

Is this the end of our friendship (probable desired result for ex)?

OP posts:

jacks11 · 27/04/2019 12:43

So you know this meeting took place because a mutual acquaintance/friend told you? Or because a mutual acquaintance saw them together and told you?

If the former, you only know what he wanted you to know. So he could be lying completely or telling half-truths (e.g. they bumped into each other, she said hello and that was it). He is manipulating you whatever happened by letting you know via your mutual friend.

I still think you need to contact your friend and ask her about what happened. Don't make decisions based on what your ex has engineered and manipulated for you to know. Make decisions about a friendship, which I assume is important to you, based on knowledge of what happened. I wouldn't cut off a friend based on 3rd party information, passed on by someone who is manipulative and abusive. I'd want their version of events.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:46

If ask her about it.
Do you think she'd be truthful?

She shouldn't have met him (if she Def did).

I wouldn't cut her off completely/dramatically but I'd keep distance and tell her next to nothing.

I'm sorry you have to do this and feel isolated - could you make new friends who could not possibly meet him so you can have full, proper friendships with them?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:46

*I'd

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:47

(by meet him I mean - don't know her m, have never met him, would never feasibly meet him).

starsparkle08 · 27/04/2019 12:53

Wash your hands of her . No friend dippy or otherwise would do this it’s disgusting and could have put you and your children in danger .

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2019 12:54

She is either incredibly dim or minimising/doesn’t believe what happened to you, none of these traits are great in a friendship. I would tell her how betrayed you feel. Why on earth would she want to meet up with this vile man anyway ? I understand that some people find it hard to say no, but a “sorry, I am busy “ would have sufficed.
I do think you have to have it out with her, as otherwise it is definitely the end of the friendship. Hear what she has to say and then decide, but it seems unlikely that you could trust her again.
Is she one of those people for whom drama and secrecy make her feel important ? Might she have wanted to tell him just what she thought of him ? ( unlikely, as she could have done that on the telephone ).
To be frank she sounds both silly and feeble, with no grasp of the reality of the situation.

TheInebriati · 27/04/2019 12:54

Summerfeeling
A good friend would have contacted you, explained she couldn't get out if it, asked you how you wanted her to play it.
Or contacted you afterwards to update you.
She has done neither.

Common sense says you don't repeat details of abuse to the abuser, or play games with an abuse survivor. Apparently nice but naive people can be dangerous.
She is no good for your peace of mind or wellbeing, take steps to protect yourself, disengage and see how it plays out.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2019 12:56

As pp has said, maybe he just bumped into her and it was an awkward five minute chat ? ( clutching at straws here, but you need to call her asap and hear her story ).

HildaAlida · 27/04/2019 12:57

Just ask her about it. This was so nearly me about 20 years ago - I mean, I was almost the friend, and my friend was the one who had been in the abusive relationship - in my defence, I had no idea of the extent of his abuse when I had a perfectly civilised email exchange with him after they had separated.

I thought he cheated, she had a revenge affair, and the marriage broke up. It was a shame but I'd been friends with them both for 10 years, so I mentioned to her that he had emailed me and we'd chatted about things, and she went deathly quiet on me.

It wasn't until someone else told me some extra details that I realised he was a colossal arsehole and had wrecked their marriage and her self esteem.

So I contacted her and I grovelled. I said I was so sorry, it must have felt like a betrayal and that I would never ever speak to him again behind her back. That I hadn't realised what he really was.

She forgave me, and we are still friends 20 years later.

So, ask her about it and what they discussed, before you end the friendship. It sounds like she knows a lot more about the level of abuse than I did when I was in her position, but give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure. After all, you know she is a nice person and he is not, so they may not have even met at all - or it might have been in passing.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 13:02

I've just checked and they are friends on social media. I asked her to block him and she didn't. She didn't have any reason not to. I know it's not my business who she's friends with on social media but he used it to stalk me and make sure he appeared in people's timelines and most people who only knew him through me did as I asked.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2019 13:02

Just ask her.

An awkward 5 minute chat when he accidentally bumped into her in Starbucks, or even he invited himself to join her. She left as quickly as possible. She didn't tell you because it was nothing intentional, she didnt mention you and thought it would be less upsetting to not tell you

He messaged her on FB, she rearranged her plans so they could go out for dinner together. She basically handed over her phone so he could go through all of your FB and she regaled him with a full update of your life over the last few years. They had a meaningful hug, lamented on how unfortunate it was they both had to put up with you and promised to stay in touch. She didn't tell you because she liked knowing she had a secret from you

HarryElephante · 27/04/2019 13:05

You have a choice.

Bin her.

Talk to her.

And option one is childish.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 27/04/2019 13:07

You still don't know whether he actually met her, you've been told by a mutual friend that he did BUT that information is still coming from him. Until you speak to her you don't know if this story is true.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 13:14

I won't get in touch yet as I am too upset. She actually did something similar a long time ago. She is naive but that's not an excuse to be so disloyal.

She didn't just bump into him. It's a big city. He contacted her. She could have made an excuse.

I'm sure it happened but I will confirm it.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 13:15

You seem determined to paint her as the villain without actually knowing the facts.

namechangel · 27/04/2019 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everydaypeople · 27/04/2019 13:20

Exactly ivana
Why don’t you just message and say as pp said I heard you met up with... and see what she says.
There seems to be quite a lot of drama with no actual facts yet

TheInebriati · 27/04/2019 13:21

If she has done something similar in the past, then she is not naive and she knows what she is doing. Walk away.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 13:23

She's not attracted to him. He's married anyway. She might have been pleased in a way that he sought her out. She hasn't met many people where she now lives.

I might come across as very negative about her now but you have to realise this has happened to me before and she knows it has. He has caused a lot of damage and she should know better.

OP posts:

Passtherioja · 27/04/2019 13:25

She's a kind and trusting person. She is open to being friends with anyone but at the same time is vulnerable to being walked all over.

I think you've answered you're own question. I understand why you'd be upset/feel let down but if you know she's nice why would you doubt her to the point of ending your friendship without even giving her chance to explain what really happened.

Call her, tell her you've heard they met up, tell her how you know, tell her you're upset ... ask her to explain. If it's as bad as you are imagining then tell her to get stuffed and end the friendship based on fact.

He's most likely using her and manipulating her.

Btw-you don't really have any right to ask friends to delete people if social media because you don't like them. If she's only got 50 friends then you may have a point but if she's got loads then it's not really your business who she is in touch with.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 13:26

But you don’t KNOW what happened, ffs!

Roussette · 27/04/2019 13:27

I'm with you OP. I had something similar happen a long time ago, the friendship never recovered

And I do believe you will check to make sure, before binning her. I checked with my so called friend what happened and couldn't believe how much she betrayed me.

Motoko · 27/04/2019 13:29

You need to speak to her.

Roussette · 27/04/2019 13:29

I'm sorry if a very good friend of mine had been abused awfully by her ex DP and I knew the extent of how bad it was, there is no way the abuser would be a friend of mine on FB. It's not just a case of not 'liking' them, it's a case of my good friend's life being made hell by this person. Friendship is more important to me than upping my friend numbers on FB

jacks11 · 27/04/2019 13:32

Yes, OP I understand why you would be upset and feel betrayed if it did happen the way you have been led to believe.

I am also saying that you know your ex to be manipulative, so how do you know that your ex has not lied or exaggerated to your mutual friend in an attempt to sabotage your friendship? I think it's probably best to make sure that what you have been told is true before you end a friendship, although you seem to have already decided that she is guilty so perhaps you have other reasons for wanting to end the friendship. If you want to end the friendship, then do so. It just seems a shame to end it all without knowing the truth.

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