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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let down by friend

97 replies

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:16

I have a very good friend who I don't see as much as I used to because she lives at the other end of the country. She's known me for a long time and knows a lot more about my problems than most people.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the time she didn't know quite how bad it was because when things got really bad she had just moved away and was getting her new life organised. I've since told her about everything that happened with him and she was shocked. It all happened a long time ago but I still have problems with my ex as we have DC.

She's a kind and trusting person. She is open to being friends with anyone but at the same time is vulnerable to being walked all over.

My ex had a meeting in the city she lives in last Monday. He contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink after his meeting and she did. I have no idea what they talked about but it's more than likely she will have told him stuff about me I didn't want him to know. I'm upset she even accepted the invitation. She would have done this because she wouldn't have liked to say no. My ex did it as it follows a long-standing pattern. Anyone who's been in an abusive relationship will know it was designed to upset me. There's no romantic/sexual element between them to this. It's just about insinuating himself into my personal life.

I haven't been in touch with my friend and I don't know if I can. She won't realise how much I feel she's betrayed me. She won't realise she's been manipulated but she should have known better than to socialise with someone who has made my life so difficult.

Is this the end of our friendship (probable desired result for ex)?

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/04/2019 11:27

Hmm, I would want to hear from her what actually happened to be honest, as I'm guessing you've heard about this from him?

If she did meet him, ask her why. Tell her that it's made you feel very uncomfortable because of his history of manipulation. I would also point out your friend has been manipulated too, so don't be too harsh on her. Establish the facts first and hear her out. Only after that can you act.

Margot33 · 27/04/2019 11:29

It's difficult because you don't know the full story. Just ring her now and ask her nicely what happened, if it happened.

Thetreeonthehill · 27/04/2019 11:31

I’d be very very upset if a good friend did this to me. My ex was such a bastard that I’d have to judge harshly any friend who met up with him. My SIL was collared by him at DDs wedding and had a ‘chat’ with him. Very similar situation - she is naive and doesn’t like conflict or to create fuss and he is a manipulative bastard trying to insinuate himself back into my family. I felt really hurt that she didn’t just blank him. I’ve forgiven and forgotten and never had it out with her because she’s family and she was put on the spot at a family wedding.

If your ex arranged this meeting solely to ensure you lost a friend then I’d perhaps not want to give him the satisfaction so would probably have it out with her and explain just how betrayed and upset you felt when you found out. Then go by her reaction as to whether you feel you want/are able to continue the friendship.

I’ve bumped into my friends ex out and about and won’t even say hello to be polite. Just acknowledging him feels disloyal to her. I really feel for you.

TinselAndKnickers · 27/04/2019 11:31

I'm glad you're out of the relationship OP!

If they weren't friends separately I think this is weird. Struggling to say no doesn't sit right, she sounds a bit of a people pleaser... but then if she was, surely she would value her friendship with you and not want to meet up with your abusive ex? It would be a shame to end the friendship without talking to her first but I feel there is a lack of loyalty and respect here.

HarryElephante · 27/04/2019 11:36

At least give her a chance to explain before you bin her off. It's like a lame soap opera plot if not.

LemonTT · 27/04/2019 11:45

How do you know so much about what happened. From him or her, and if from him, why are you letting him in your head. This sounds like a manipulation to break up your friendship.

She could have agreed to meet him to give him a piece of her mind. They could have bumped into each other, most likely at his design. That’s easy enough to do these days just by following social media or if he knew where she worked.

You need to speak to her and ask what happened. Otherwise you are just jumping to conclusions. I wouldn’t be swayed on my opinion of a longstanding friend by the witterings of an ex and neither would anyone I know. And I don’t have friends I would have so little faith in.

And even if you have children you don’t need to be having conversations with him about anything else but the contact arrangements. Use a single email account and only agree to text or calls in an emergency.

sackrifice · 27/04/2019 11:47

I'd check with her first.

He could just be bullshitting you.

Boysey45 · 27/04/2019 11:49

I'd ask her what happened and why she went to meet him before I totally binned her off. He could have been saying all sorts like he was dying/you were dying, God knows.
I'd listen to what she had to say and then think about it before making any decisions.

jacks11 · 27/04/2019 11:53

Are you 100% sure they met up? As she hasn't told you, I'm guessing your ex did? If so, I would want to hear it from her that they did meet up as it would seem possible that he is lying to try and upset you/ruin a friendship because he has form for this sort of behaviour.

If it is true, it may also be trying to work out why. Was it as simple as she "didn't want to say no"- in which case, I think you have to decide if you can forgive that or not. Or did he say he had information about you/DC which was important or that he was worried about you, or something similar? If so, I'd say she was manipulated and whilst foolish to give this sort of man an inch, she could have been trying to protect you/make sure you were ok. If that was the case, I'd be more forgiving- though very clear to her that any more meetings/discussions with him would mean the end of your friendship.

In any case, if she is a good friend who you value and she did actually meet up with him I don't think it necessarily has to mean the end of your friendship. Of course, you may decide you simply can't forgive her and that is your decision ultimately. On the other hand, everybody makes mistakes and sometimes friendships can move past the mistakes if genuine apology for the mistake is given and amends made/work done to rebuild trust.

If you value your friend, don't you think you should discuss with her why she did such a foolish and thoughtless thing, let her know just how upset you are and why what she did was so difficult for you? I'm not making excuses- she definitely did the wrong thing and should have known better.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 11:56

How do you know they met?

How do you know what they spoke about?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2019 11:58

So who told you OP?

I think I'd ask her if she did and why. Explain you are struggling to understand why she'd want to hang out with someone who she didn't really know and who caused you so much pain.

See what she says.

If you cut her off dead in his say so he has won and he is still ruling over your life.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 12:16

I've remembered how she helped me out when I was trying to leave him and I told her then how important it was to keep things quiet. I also asked her to block him on all social media when I told her the truth about what had gone on but I'm pretty sure she didn't. She knows how he's manipulated other people around me. The only friendships that haven't been affected at all by him are with people he barely met. That's how bad it is. I have really moved on from the relationship and I do all I can to keep my distance and maintain privacy but I can't control what other people say and do. The reason she knew so much was because l thought she was safe. I have friends I no longer tell anything about my life because of the information that has innocently got out. It makes life very lonely.

She's never experienced an abusive relationship so has no idea what it's like. She's maybe minimising what he did, like a lot of people do. I don't think I can trust her now. It feels like such a betrayal.

OP posts:

Roussette · 27/04/2019 12:19

If they actually did meet (also need to know how you heard this), she is no friend. It's a totally shitty thing to do. You'd just opened your heart to her about how abusive he was and she goes off and meets him? She's a nasty piece of work.

She didn't no him in her own right, why the actual fuck would she want to meet him? And she hasn't even told you she has.

Tilikum · 27/04/2019 12:23

Wow, no, I would not be able to forgive a friend who did this. She didn't even know him! When he messaged her all she had to do was block his number, no confrontation necessary.

Speak to your friend and tell her how betrayed you feel and, if she is defensive, then you're going to have to end the friendship. With such an abusive and manipulative ex you can't afford to have a Trojan horse among your friends.

Roussette · 27/04/2019 12:23

If this happened, I would just cut her off with no explanation.

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 12:24

The relationship ended a long time ago. It's not a new thing. I told her about it in full several years ago.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 12:24

Why aren’t you answering how you know all of this?

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 12:26

I know the meeting definitely happened as he talked to somebody we both know about it.

OP posts:

goldenchicken · 27/04/2019 12:26

@Summerfeeling

I second what the other posters are saying.....

Why are you not answering the question many posters have asked...

How do you know all this? That your friend has been meeting your ex?

goldenchicken · 27/04/2019 12:27

Sorry OP, cross-posted with you. Disregard my post!!!

Roussette · 27/04/2019 12:27

Is she single? Does she fancy him or something?

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 12:28

He told them knowing I would then find out. He's not making it up. It's more than plausible he would ask and she would say yes knowing them both as I do.

OP posts:

sackrifice · 27/04/2019 12:29

I know the meeting definitely happened as he talked to somebody we both know about it.

still from him though.

Ask her. Then decide.

UCOinanOCG · 27/04/2019 12:30

Message her and say ' I heard you met up with X recently. What was that all about?' Then see what she says.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 12:31

Right but they could have bumped into each other in the same pub/Starbucks.

She could have made polite/awkward chit chat for two minutes.

For all you know, she could have told him he’s the devil incarnate.

You’re writing her off after demanding she delete him from social media etc without even asking her about it!!! YABU.

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