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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let down by friend

97 replies

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 10:16

I have a very good friend who I don't see as much as I used to because she lives at the other end of the country. She's known me for a long time and knows a lot more about my problems than most people.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the time she didn't know quite how bad it was because when things got really bad she had just moved away and was getting her new life organised. I've since told her about everything that happened with him and she was shocked. It all happened a long time ago but I still have problems with my ex as we have DC.

She's a kind and trusting person. She is open to being friends with anyone but at the same time is vulnerable to being walked all over.

My ex had a meeting in the city she lives in last Monday. He contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet up for a drink after his meeting and she did. I have no idea what they talked about but it's more than likely she will have told him stuff about me I didn't want him to know. I'm upset she even accepted the invitation. She would have done this because she wouldn't have liked to say no. My ex did it as it follows a long-standing pattern. Anyone who's been in an abusive relationship will know it was designed to upset me. There's no romantic/sexual element between them to this. It's just about insinuating himself into my personal life.

I haven't been in touch with my friend and I don't know if I can. She won't realise how much I feel she's betrayed me. She won't realise she's been manipulated but she should have known better than to socialise with someone who has made my life so difficult.

Is this the end of our friendship (probable desired result for ex)?

OP posts:

ItsInTheSpoon · 27/04/2019 13:37

I know exactly where you’re coming from as my exH is like yours.

I agree with a previous poster who suggested:

Message her and say ' I heard you met up with X recently. What was that all about?' Then see what she says.

However, it’s up to you completely to decide whether or not her friendship is worth having.... in your situation the only worthwhile friends are the ones who you know have your back. Anything less and there is only mistrust and suspicion.... and you don’t want to have to think about him now

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2019 13:54

The thing is, you have found out that she is not a good friend, from this. She has no backbone and is weak. It is nothing to do with him winning, I would not continue a friendship with somebody who betrayed me, and who quite possibly divulged personal information to my abuser. I would leave them in the past and move forward.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2019 13:55

She does not have your back or support you. She betrayed your trust, I would never ever meet up with somebody who was abusive to my friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2019 13:58

Just read your other posts, She is friend with him on social media, knowing what he did to you, he can see you through her being your friend. I would delete and block her to be honest, she is not a nice person and is a very bad friend. She is a grown adult who is able to make her own decisions. You need to bin her and move forward.

HarryElephante · 27/04/2019 14:02

But you don’t KNOW what happened, ffs!

This times 1,000.

Talk to her FGS. You are potentially making a big drama out of absolutely nothing.

Throckmorton · 27/04/2019 14:11

I'm with you OP that if she did this it is a massive betrayal. To be absolutely sure, I would ask her if they met up - from what you have said about your ex he is sneaky enough to lie about the meeting to mutual friend, knowing it would get back to you and upset you. Rule that out first by asking her, and then if they did meet up, bin her totally. Hugs

Jellybeansincognito · 27/04/2019 14:11

‘I’m too upset’ oh come on, pull your big girl pants up a second. Why do this to yourself and build up so many emotions when you don’t even know if it’s true?

Why does it matter anyway? If he’s married I’m assuming you broke up with him a long time ago? Move on? Why are you continuing to let him into your life?

Your friends relationship with this man doesn’t effect you at all, unless you allow it to. Who cares what he knows? What exactly is he going to do with information? If information about you is that damaging I’d be more concerned about yourself than him.

Roussette · 27/04/2019 14:16

Gosh jelly you obviously haven't been in an abusive relationship. Many posters have said on many threads that it can affect you for years and years. People have had their lives destroyed by an abuser and you say what does it matter anyway and move on.

This potentially is a very good friend ditching loyalty and friendship to meet and get friendly with the person that abused one of her best friends. The OP has already said she's going to check the facts

Whatnameisgood · 27/04/2019 14:19

At best your friend sounds naive (to think it’s ok to meet him) and weak (that she couldn’t say no or have found an excuse). Have a non-confrontational chat with her, though, and see what she says. Meeting up with him was absolutely not ok

CoraPirbright · 27/04/2019 14:21

Talk to her to ascertain exactly what transpired and then you will have the full facts and can make an informed decision regarding whether you can continue with this friendship.

On the face of it, she sounds feeble and disloyal - who needs a friend like that?

snowdrop6 · 27/04/2019 14:23

She’s no friend of yours
I would never of done that to a friend.dump her

Dippypippy1980 · 27/04/2019 14:24

If she met him it’s a huge betrayal.

My friend recently confided in my that her ex was abusive. If I ever see him again I will have to be restrained. There will be no chatting over drinks.

LillithsFamiliar · 27/04/2019 14:31

You know he's manipulative and she's trusting. You've spent lots of time and energy thinking/worrying about this without even speaking to her. Also you're still in contact with your ex because of DC so its likely he already knows the details about your life.
If you drop your friend you're allowing your ex to manipulate you yet again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 14:38

She sounds stupid at best. I would contact her before I blocked her to find out why / what happened.

Jellybeansincognito · 27/04/2019 14:46

How do you know what I have and haven’t gone through? It’s not healthy for her to hold on to this, is it?

What part of the OP actually effects her? None of it in literal terms, emotional terms it does but only she is in control of that.

Roussette · 27/04/2019 14:53

From what I gather her ex is still manipulating her and her friends and trying to score points. It's very hard to ignore that and 'move on' when he obviously does all he can to still affect her life, and they have DC together so she wants the minimum of information getting out.

lily2403 · 27/04/2019 15:09

I wouldn’t have met up with my friends ex under any circumstances...I would be asking her why she did that and tell her you feel betrayed

Original poster

Summerfeeling · 27/04/2019 16:02

Jelly, as I said before he's in my life as I have DC with him. You don't know what these kind of people are like. I keep my distance from him. He wants to get in my face. He doesn't want me to be free of it ever. He's the one that creates the drama. Lots of people see him for what he is but seemingly not my friend.

OP posts:

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/04/2019 16:14

She would have done this because she wouldn't have liked to say no.
Bullshit.

This guy is a virtual stranger to her - she only knew him briefly through you and since then YOU have told her about the abuse and the steps you've had to take.
She CHOSE to meet him and didn't stop to consider your feelings even once.

Jellybeansincognito · 27/04/2019 16:22

@Summerfeeling you wrote this whole post without even asking her if it’s true, have you approached the subject with her yet? The whole post was based on assumptions. If you cannot trust your friend- why does she know all this information that you’re giving her?

The ex is irrelevant in this to be honest.

chandylier · 27/04/2019 16:29

But you really don’t know what she said to him.
She might have just met him to see what he had to say for himself, told him he was a wanker and left. You’re working yourself up about the unknown. Actually you are working yourself up exactly as he has designed.

CupoTeap · 27/04/2019 16:33

I would not be able to forgive a friend who did this.

You know he could have twisted it into more than it was to get to you, thinking maybe you would even speak to her again?

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