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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH’s ex invited to big family do...

93 replies

Theaspidistraiswilting · 27/04/2019 08:36

I like to think I am a relatively calm and relaxed 2nd wife. Try to get on with DH’s ex for the sake of my SD, she’s mostly a nice person so not too bad although a bit suffocating and needy at times.

But this has made me cross. She has been invited to a big family do. She doesn’t really see any of DH’s family (as far as I know) so why? The only link she has to them is via SD who would be coming with us anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:

louisvootin · 27/04/2019 08:37

how long were they together op ?

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 09:06

I don't see a great deal of my exH family-they live at the other end of the country so I can hardly just pop in-but I always called in when visiting my son who was at university close by, went to my ex MIL's 80th birthday and my ex FIL's funeral I've known them for over 30 years, they are the grandparents of my children, I get on well with them and they like me as myself and not just as ex DIL. Neither my ex or his current wife have any objections ( why would they?) As long as they don't see it a problem, neither do I

MRex · 27/04/2019 09:09

My extended family has I think 5 exes; 3 come to every party and 1 comes occasionally. People welcome someone into their family, particularly when there are children involved, and barring cases of abuse there's no particular reason to change that. I think you'll just have to get used to it. If it's a big function then I doubt you'll need to talk to her much.

Order654 · 27/04/2019 09:11

I wouldn’t be happy about this.

If SD is coming with you anyway then there is no need to have you there.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 27/04/2019 09:13

YANBU. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/04/2019 09:13

DH and I invited his uncle’s ex to our wedding. She was DH’s aunt and he had an independent relationship with her.

Who is the inviter? I think they are entitled to a relationship with her.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:15

Why are you angry? It seems a big family do in your own words, she's still related as she's the mother of your husband's child, and clearly she has a history with these people.

Not liking it, or being a bit awkward about it, is normal. But angry seems an unusual reaction.

justarandomtricycle · 27/04/2019 09:16

She is arguably part of the family once there are DC involved. If there weren't, it would be weird (and depending on the circumstances unpleasant or disloyal) for family to do this, but in this case it is understandable you may have to live with it.

YANBU to feel off about it. You would BU to object or hold any kind of ill will over it.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:17

I think they are entitled to a relationship with her.

This. Why should they cut her out because they split up? She is still the mother of a close family member.

Actionhasmagic · 27/04/2019 09:18

YANBU - it would bother me too

CarolDanvers · 27/04/2019 09:18

Why has she been invited? Because they like her and want her there. Why is it a big deal to you? It’s a big family party with loads of invitees. Maybe her own dd would like her there and they are prioritising that rather than what her petulant step mother wants. Sheesh. How petty to resent this

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:19

Are you worried your husband still has feelings for her? You don't want her there for a reason. Can you articulate what it is?

FuzzyLilac · 27/04/2019 09:20

Dhs ex was invited to his parents 50th wedding anniversary. They have 2 teen DC and it never occurred for me to be bothered by it.
I never expected the ex to be erased out of everyone's lives simply because i came along.

pasturesgreen · 27/04/2019 09:21

What sort of family occasion? Something like a big birthday for one of the PILs I'd probably expect the ExW to be invited. If they were together for quite some time, which sounds like it since you mention a DSD, she'd developed her own relationship with the in laws.

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2019 09:21

She has her own relationship with these people which goes back a long way. It’s not fabulous from your point of view but I think it’s quite nice that they haven’t ditched someone they were, presumably fond of for a long time.

Smile and be gracious.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 09:21

I think if this really bothers you, you should say something.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 09:22

Tell them what youve said, that yorure civil with her but this is pushing your boundaries

Maybe83 · 27/04/2019 09:22

My dh ex has been invited to parties.

I don't give it a second thought. There is lots of children and ex partners plus their new partners etc in dh family which is quite large.

It isnt unusual to call to my mil and find an ex sitting at her kitchen table!

She cant stand me but that's her choice I'm always polite say hello ask after the kids chat to her partner and that's that.

Walkaround · 27/04/2019 09:24

Oh, ffs. She is your dh's ex, not the whole family's ex. Grow up and don't be so self-centred.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 09:24

Tell them what youve said, that yorure civil with her but this is pushing your boundaries

I don't think you should do this. It will make you look like you've jealousy issues, and that you feel your feelings trump those of whomevers event it is.

What sort of event is it?

diddl · 27/04/2019 09:27

It's made you cross???!!!

Who has invited her & what to?

Surely it's up to them to invite her if they want her there?

ButterMyBiscuit · 27/04/2019 09:28

Personally I think it's nice when the extended family maintain a relationship- especially when there are children involved. I have friends (a couple) who spend every Christmas with her ex-h and ex's new wife, so the kids + stepkids can have a big family Christmas. If the split was amicable I think it's the best thing to do as far as kids are concerned

Coronapop · 27/04/2019 09:28

I don't think you will find it easy to change other relatives attitude to exes. She is still the mother of their nieces or nephews or GCs so if they choose to invite her you are probably stuck with it. You could ask your husband to talk to the relative organising the event. Split families are inevitably messy, I think you would do better to accept it as an occasional event.

NoSauce · 27/04/2019 09:30

What’s the occasion OP?

Chancewouldbeafinethlng · 27/04/2019 09:31

Think you’ve got to suck it up op. The family obviously still think of her as part of their family.
I can’t see the harm in it tbh.

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