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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s ex invited to big family do...

93 replies

Theaspidistraiswilting · 27/04/2019 08:36

I like to think I am a relatively calm and relaxed 2nd wife. Try to get on with DH’s ex for the sake of my SD, she’s mostly a nice person so not too bad although a bit suffocating and needy at times.

But this has made me cross. She has been invited to a big family do. She doesn’t really see any of DH’s family (as far as I know) so why? The only link she has to them is via SD who would be coming with us anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:
whyohwhyowhydididoit · 27/04/2019 09:31

First I thought YABU. The host/s have invited her because they want her there. Perhaps they like her, perhaps they think it will be nice for SD, perhaps they are just being polite, the reason doesn’t really matter.

OTOH are you saying you think this is a deliberate slight or put down to you rather than them genuinely wanting the ex at the party as well as you? If that‘s the case I can understand you being hurt but I don’t think there is much you can do about it except show up, be polite to her and try to have fun.

roisinagusniamh · 27/04/2019 09:32

Wow.. how unreasonable of you !
His ex will have built a relationship with her (ex) in-laws over the years and therefore remains an important part of that group which should not end just because the marriage did.
I suggest you don't go if it makes you 'cross'. You seriously need to get over this.

Hollowvictory · 27/04/2019 09:34

Suck it up. She was in their family first. Perhaps they enjoy her company.

NoSauce · 27/04/2019 09:35

I guess it depends on what the family do is and what relationship the ex had with the in-laws. If it’s FILs big birthday and he was close to her then I can sort of see why he might want to invite her BUT I think the OP and her DH should have been consulted first to check it was ok.

Constance1234 · 27/04/2019 09:36

I don’t understand why it’s made you cross - if you hated each other, sure it’d be awkward, but you’ve said yourself that you get on and she is a nice person. As these feeling of being cross have been brought up, you should probably examine why - maybe you not an as calm and relaxed second wife as you think you are. Like the pp said she is still extended family by virtue of being related to the family through her child.

tinyvulture · 27/04/2019 09:39

I see my boyfriend’s ex wife at loads of family occasions! They’ve got four kids together, and were married 30 years, and I guess his family just got used to her! She treated him very badly at the end of the marriage, too..... I thought it was massively weird at first, and still do if I allow myself to think about it, but actually I get on really well with her now. What’s the point in stressing? She couldn’t get him back, even if she wanted to (which I am extremely clear she doesn’t). I DO resent aspects of how she treated him (I was friends with him for most of their marriage, so saw and supported him through his lowest ebbs). But, it’s in the past now. If he can forgive and forget, surely I can.

PumpkinLatteMyArse · 27/04/2019 09:39

You sound jealous. It's nothing to do with you. Dh is the father of my children and I'd hate for my family to drop him if he and I separated.

.

CheeseIsEverything · 27/04/2019 09:41

What does your husband think?

If they split on bad terms or she cheated for example, I wouldn't expect his family to then invite her to future events.

I'm only suggesting this because of my own experience of divorced parents where my mother just treated my father appallingly so I'd feel it incredibly unfair of his family to continue any relationship with her after that.

If they are amicable and still in touch with ex PILs etc... though then I think you'll just have to accept this. I probably wouldn't like the idea either but like it or not, she was part of their family and her child still is of course.

Unless there is a drip feed that you think he's in love with her or his family are doing this on purpose to push you out then I don't think you need to worry. Me, DP and his parents still speak to his brothers ex and like her but we all think his current wife is brill and we know they are far better suited.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 09:42

Its not unreasonable though. Its normal. Some people get on with their exes and remain friends, but unless the split was really recent and very amicable then I think its a bit bizarre.
I get on fine with my ex, but i wouldnt want him invited to a family party, especially if my dp was there, and I wouldnt be impressed if my dps ex was invited to one of their family events. Im not particularly jealous, at least I dont feel like I am, but I just think it would be a bit weird. If somebody put that down to some personal failing on my part, then I guess thats up to them

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 27/04/2019 09:42

Maybe you need a new partner with no previous children if you can’t cope with the idea. Or tattoo him with your name somewhere conspicuous. Or an ear tag.
Why is it a problem?

Downthecanal · 27/04/2019 09:47

I can see why it bothers you.

I have a good relationship with my ex family and get invited to the family dos. I’ve known them since I was 14 and hitting 40 now. And I can tell ex’s partners alway feel uncomfortable - apart from one who I got on with and still friends to this day. He was well punching above his weight with her...

diddl · 27/04/2019 09:51

I think it might depend on the event & who has invited her though.

CupOhTea · 27/04/2019 09:55

What? Why on Earth are you angry? You are not a “relaxed second wife” at all. Dear me.

Fwiw, I invited my brother’s ex to an event along with my brother and new partner. The ex kicked off! It’s put me off her for life. Don’t be that guy.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/04/2019 09:56

The only link she has to them is via SD who would be coming with us anyway.

Hmm because she is a person in her own right who has relationships with HER childs family. Why are you so jealous?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2019 10:05

You sound jealous and not a relaxer second wife at all.

She is the mother of their grandchild and they are allowed to make their own choices as to who they invite and have relationships with.

Don't go if it bothers you but don't dictate who they can have in their lives.

MsLayla · 27/04/2019 10:05

Well she's probably played a big part in their lives. She was maybe a part of their family longer than you have been.

Uncles ex wife is always invited to our family functions. She was part of the family for 20years and had 3 children, similar ages to the other kids in the family. We hardly know uncles current relationship, of about 4 years. It's not the same. She's invited along as well just to be polite.

InceyWinceyette · 27/04/2019 10:05

If I was friendly with the mother of my grandchild / niece I would invite her because a) we are still friends and b) she is the mother of my grandchild / niece. She doesn’t suddenly become irrelevant or replaced by a step mum.

And if the situation was stable / amicable. Not if either of the couple would be too raw / hurt / angry /abusive to be at the same event.

It isn’t a competition. It isn’t a slight or threat to you, OP.

I would find you very difficult if you made an issue if this.

UCOinanOCG · 27/04/2019 10:06

My ex SIL comes to all our family gatherings. We all went to her recent wedding to her new DH. I invite her to things over my DB and my SIL every time as she is much nicer.

RoseMartha · 27/04/2019 10:11

Well I see it might be awkward for you but if a big party you might not see much if her. I think it is nice they have invited her as other people have said she has a relationship with them in the past and it is sad if this is broken because of splitting up with your dh/p.

I dont think I will be invited to my stbex family events and I will miss seeing them and I understand that sometimes that is the way families see this, but it doesnt have to be this way.

Lovemusic33 · 27/04/2019 10:15

I’m going to a party today which is to do with ex husbands family, I paid a big part in my step children lives so I often get invited to things, tbh I don’t want to go, my ex husband will be there with his gf and I’m sure she will feel awkward that her bf’s ex wives (yes 2 ex wives) will be there. I haven’t got a problem with his new gf or his first wife but I hate him due to the fact he’s a rubbish father to his children. It will feel awkward for all of us but my sdd wants everyone there. I will be attempting to leave early.

WidoWanky · 27/04/2019 10:16

And you call her suffocating and needy!!!!!

InceyWinceyette · 27/04/2019 10:16

“I think if this really bothers you, you should say something.”

I think if this really bothers you you should have a clear and honest think about why. And not say anything unless you actually have reason to believe that it is done to spite you rather than include her. And even then the best response is to refuse to be spited and calmly get on with it. You are in this for the long haul, don’t start by telling his family what they can and cannot do based on your insecurities.

And don’t create family divisions that ultimately will make it harder for the child. If the child is thriving in the extended inclusive blended set up then you need to put her needs first.

ASauvignonADay · 27/04/2019 10:23

How does SD feel about it? I'd be guided by her.

Honeyroar · 27/04/2019 10:30

She'll probably find it a lot more difficult to walk into that party than you will. She's not going to annoy you, to get her ex back or create problems, she's going for whoever invited her and to celebrate whatever they're celebrating. Try and be the big person here.

Halo84 · 27/04/2019 10:30

She’s probably invited because she is SD’s mother. Suck it up and be gracious.