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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH’s ex invited to big family do...

93 replies

Theaspidistraiswilting · 27/04/2019 08:36

I like to think I am a relatively calm and relaxed 2nd wife. Try to get on with DH’s ex for the sake of my SD, she’s mostly a nice person so not too bad although a bit suffocating and needy at times.

But this has made me cross. She has been invited to a big family do. She doesn’t really see any of DH’s family (as far as I know) so why? The only link she has to them is via SD who would be coming with us anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WhiteCat1704 · 27/04/2019 16:59

Shmithecat2 presumably your sister and her ex split up amicably and presumably she doesn't mind seeing him at family events...if you don't care what she thinks though you are not a great sister..

Not in milion years would I be happy with my family siding with my ex against me and current partner...not in milion years would I side with my sister's ex..and I have known him over 20years and liked him too but my loyalty is with my sister and he has hurt her.

Shmithecat2 · 27/04/2019 17:01

WhiteCat1704, nope, she left her exh for current dh. I'm not 'siding' with anyone. Both are invited.

Cside · 27/04/2019 17:06

She has as much, if not more, reason to be there than you do

I don't get this at all... So you honestly would be less surprised at someone's ex wife being at an event than his current wife?

There's nothing wrong with inviting the ex if everyone gets along but I think it's a bit much saying she has more reason to be there than the man's current wife.

Also have I missed where OP has said how long his ex and her DH were together? For all we know, OP could have been married to her DH for longer. Having children with someone isn't the only thing that makes you family, I actually think it's a really insensitive thing to imply to be honest.

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 17:11

Having children with someone isn't the only thing that makes you family, I actually think it's a really insensitive thing to imply to be honest.

It is insensitive, which is why family is so much more than a dictionary definition!

DaffoDeffo · 27/04/2019 17:13

I think a lot depends on the age of the SD. My ILs never invited me once exh and I split up. But there were a few events where we were all together (ie I got invited along to bring the dcs when exh and his new p were there).

Once the kids got older, this stopped happening (which didn't bother me at all).

Otherwise I do think it's a bit unusual to invite the ex along unless the dcs are small ones! (That's just my RL experience!)

FangsTasticBeast · 27/04/2019 17:16

I still occasionally get invites from exh family even though we split up 15 years ago

I’m going to exh partners 40th birthday next week (she invited me)

Cside · 27/04/2019 17:30

It is insensitive, which is why family is so much more than a dictionary definition!

I agree, it wasn't me that suggested otherwise.

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2019 17:36

I know you haven't come back to the thread for 9 hours OP, but could you say who invited her and to what?

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 17:39

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you were

Surely all of this boils down to the relationship everyone has with their ex, ex's family, ex's new partner, whoever. For some, an ex turning up at a family event would be the most normal thing in the world, for others, fur would fly! Personally, I think it's much better if everyone can get along but in some cases this just isn't possible. Whatever though, we shouldn't be dictating to others who they can/cannot be friends or even family with!

Order654 · 27/04/2019 17:51

Her birthing his child at one point doesn't magically make her family

I agree. She’s an ex, she’s not family. The kids are family but she’s not anymore.

Cside · 27/04/2019 17:55

I would be interested to know what your DH thinks.

If like you say in your OP, the ex doesn't speak to your H's family at all anymore then surely he'd find this strange too?

outsho · 27/04/2019 17:58

Every family is different, in some families this is very normal, it is in mine. My parents separated 25 years ago but my DM still gets invited to (and attends) family funerals on my Dad’s side. In fact, she still does my DGM’s hair every month and did her sister’s until she died. I think it’s nice personally but I appreciate it’s weird for you.

We have a family friend who is closer to her brother’s ex wife than she is her brother so she keeps in contact more with his ex. If they were together for years then I can understand it.

stuffedpeppers · 28/04/2019 08:43

MY Exs family made it clear, that after 20+ yrs, we had relationships which were independent of him.
He could be with whoever he wanted but I was still a member of the family.

I have appreciated their inclusion and friendship and their support. That was from his aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Would I have gone to anything if his ex OW was going then no chance - but then she got uninvited for trying to tell them not to be friends with me!!!

spanieleyes · 28/04/2019 09:03

At my FIL's funeral were
me,
my ex,
his second wife ( who was the OW when he walked out,)
my ex BIL,
his ex wife-who he also walked out on,
my ex SIL,
her previous partner and her current partner,

We all managed to be perfectly civil to each other, share memories of ex FIL and support ex MIL-who I have known for over 30 years. We all consider ourselves family and probably always will!

notacooldad · 28/04/2019 09:10

Perfectly normal to invite exes to karge family dos in our family assume.ig the ex is a pretty regular kind of person.
We go out with Dp's ex BIL and we stay with an ex SIL when we go to Australia.

I dont get the upset from you.

If I was her I would be thinking

' get a fucking grip' but would just say ' what's the big deal?' and I would be cross at you to be honest.

Foslady · 28/04/2019 09:24

Your husband divorced her, not the whole family - get over yourself

MindatWork · 28/04/2019 10:09

I’m going against the grain here - as a child of twice divorced parents (on both sides) and with lots of broken relationships among aunts and uncles too, I would find it massively weird if exes were invited to family parties. It just doesn’t happen in my experience, and isn’t the case with any of my friends either.

The whole ‘happy coparenting, spending Christmas and birthdays together’ pops up quite a bit on here and it’s one of those things I’ve never encountered in real life but only on mumsnet. I would quite frankly have been mortified and found it v awkward if my parents had insisted on playing at happy families and celebrating milestone events together, despite me being well aware that they disliked each other and both had new partners .

Not saying it doesn’t happen of course as it obviously does given the number of people sharing their experiences here, but not something that would happen in my family...

BrokenWing · 28/04/2019 10:25

YABU, yes you will feel a bit awkward, so will she, but she is linked to their family You need to think of her as their dgc's mum rather than selfishly thinking of her as your dh's ex.

Get over it, or decline the invite and look petty and immature.

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