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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s ex invited to big family do...

93 replies

Theaspidistraiswilting · 27/04/2019 08:36

I like to think I am a relatively calm and relaxed 2nd wife. Try to get on with DH’s ex for the sake of my SD, she’s mostly a nice person so not too bad although a bit suffocating and needy at times.

But this has made me cross. She has been invited to a big family do. She doesn’t really see any of DH’s family (as far as I know) so why? The only link she has to them is via SD who would be coming with us anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 27/04/2019 10:36

Because she has a relationship with them, they enjoy each other's company, and because the marriage failed, if it happened amicably, they didn't just cut her dead after a significant time of knowing her, because the relationship failed? I don't see this as an issue necessarily if everyone gets on. Pretending she doesn't exist is something the family obviously don't want to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 10:44

Perhaps ask yourself if it’s weird families are supposed to excommunicate a person, who they welcomed with open arms for years because the relationship with one person ended.

mummmy2017 · 27/04/2019 10:47

This is your problem, not anyone else's...
Just go and avoid meeting her in the loo...
You don't get to dictate to others .

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 27/04/2019 11:04

For me I think it depends on how the family treat you the if you are a wanted and respected part of the family who is treated well and made to feel like they want you in the family or of this is a deliberate act to yet again show you that you are not welcome in the family.

I agree on the surface with the majority of posters, if children are involved it's good for them to see that their families are connected and are friendly with each other even after the trauma of their parents splitting up. Parents splitting up (obviously if no abuse etc) shouldn't mean that the child's entire life and family explode and forever more their emotional and family life is split into two and can never be thought of as connected ever again!

J2Ocean · 27/04/2019 11:15

My uncle's ex wife has been in my life for as long as I can remember. They're now divorced and he has a new partner but the ex is still very much part of the family. She's invited to every party and every meal. In fact, if I were forced to make a choice I would chose to invite her over my uncle and his new partner.

LunafortJest · 27/04/2019 11:31

It seems as though you are trying to airbrush her out of the family. She is the mother of their niece, their grand-daughter, their cousin. She has history with them. A divorce doesn't change that. Why do you feel you have more right to be there than her? Just because you are his current wife? He created a child with her that is his family's flesh and blood. She has as much, if not more, reason to be there than you do.

CheeseIsEverything · 27/04/2019 14:10

She has as much, if not more, reason to be there than you do

Well no. I don't agree she has more reason to be there than OP, I think thats stretching it a bit.

Macandcheese05 · 27/04/2019 14:56

we have a similar situation. my brother and his ex wife have one daughter. shes now 26. they split up over 20 years ago. VERY amicable. He has remarried and the ex wife never has (shes never even lived with anyone since DB). i see her at events relating to my niece and shes a nice lady. we always invited her to family events "for the sake" of my DN. it was just the done thing. even when DB had his latest girlfriend there (before marriage there was a conveyor belt of women), we still invited ex wife and it was up to her to say no if she felt uncomfortable. when DB got married 2/3 years ago his wife complained about this situation and DN got involved. she said she had always appreciated her mother being invited to things and it helped her feel comfortable and like we were still one family. she felt bad that, without our invites, her DM would be alone (she isnt close to her family although she does see them). She said she always felt bad when she went to her dads and left her mum alone so to add in her not coming to special events would have given DN major anxiety and upset.

so i would advise you ask SD how she feels about it. Shes the innocent party in this and did not choose for them to split.

NameChangerAmI · 27/04/2019 15:53

Tell them what you've said, that you're civil with her but this is pushing your boundaries

Definitely not this! ^

She was probably part of that family for much longer than you have been, and in answer to your question, because there are people there who care about her and would like her to be there.

The people whose party it is get to say who is invited, not you. If you don't like it, then don't go, but please don't tell the organisers that this situation "pushes your boundaries" because that smacks of you making this party all about you, your needs, and your wants, and also makes you a CF!

It's fine not to feel happy, but leave it at that, don't rain on the parade or assume that your attendance to the party is more important to the organisers than the Ex's attendance is. You might only have been invited out of politeness to your DH.

WhiteCat1704 · 27/04/2019 16:05

How does your DH feel about this is the most important question. If his ex has hurt him he might not want to be anywhere near her and if his family won't respect that it could cause a major issue.

I personally don't think you are unreasonable and his ex in NOT your husbands family as they are divorced. Her birthing his child at one point doesn't magically make her family.

jimmyjammy001 · 27/04/2019 16:20

Surely you foresaw these kind of problems when you got into a relationship with someone who was previously married with kids with the ex still around? Unfortunately your opinion will come second to that of the dh, ex and sd.

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 16:24

Her birthing his child at one point doesn't magically make her family.

It pretty much does!

WhiteCat1704 · 27/04/2019 16:32

spanieleyes

No it doesn't. Definition of family from oxford dictionary:
A group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit.
Or
All the descendants of a common ancestor.

Ex partner does not count as family.

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 16:34

So would you not count adopted children as family, or step children ?
Sorry, but an ex is the child's mother and therefore family, whether the Oxford dictionary agrees or not!

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 16:37

Her birthing his child at one point doesn't magically make her family.

God what a nasty way to bring down motherhood. Being s mother is about more than birthing a child. What's confusing you about that?

I find it interesting on these threads that people always start off by saying they are one thing, before demonstrating they are something totally different. I'm so not a jealous person, but I hate that my friend had a nicer house than me. I'm really a relaxed second wife, but I really don't want his ex at any family events. It's always the same. It's like the poster really doesn't want us to know what they know. Whichis they are not relaxed at all and never have been

If the op was relaxed, got on fine with this woman, wasn't jealous at all, then she'd have no issue with her attending this one off majo event.

PrincessTiggerlily · 27/04/2019 16:39

Perhaps you could offer to take her with you and SD then you can polish your halo and there's no surprise bumping into her or others gushing over her whilst you look on.

M4J4 · 27/04/2019 16:39

I'd lower my willingness to get on with the ILs to match theirs.

Don't go above and beyond, don't facilitate contact, presents, cards etc.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/04/2019 16:39

Agree spanieleyes.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 27/04/2019 16:40

I think it depends on how the people in this specific situation view each other.

I don't think having a child with someone automatically means you're their family even after you've divorced. My parents certainly don't view each other as family despite having a child together. One rule doesn't fit all in this situation.

Clearly your DHs family still want to have a relationship with his ex and that's fine. Unless you think it's a personal slight against you then I don't think you need to be concerned about it.

She has as much, if not more, reason to be there than you do

Erm no. I don't think she has more right than OP to be there. OP is this man's wife. Or are you suggesting that the only real way to be a family is to have children? Because I think that's incredibly offensive.

NameChangeNugget · 27/04/2019 16:41

And you call her suffocating and needy!!!!

C’mon OP, you must see this is your problem.

And angry is a strong emotion, are you prone to over reacting?

spanieleyes · 27/04/2019 16:45

I think it depends on how the people in this specific situation view each other.

Agreed, and those involved still see the ex as part of the family. it is their decision, not the OP's

BlueEyedPersephone · 27/04/2019 16:45

@Theaspidistraiswilting, depending on the length of relationship and nature of breakup is what decides if this is unreasonable. If you're dh is uncomfortable then it's okay for you to be, if this woman has been aggressive or mean to you once again it seems unfair to put you in that situation, after all they are not together anymore for a reason.
You need to stand back and look at why it feels wrong and if there is no radon then pull on big girl pants and be glad she isn't a bitch

M4J4 · 27/04/2019 16:46

@NameChangeNugget

And angry is a strong emotion, are you prone to over reacting?

Op didn't say she was angry Hmm

OP, sounds like you know them well enough to know they're trying to get to you. Go with your instincts.

BlueEyedPersephone · 27/04/2019 16:46

Reason not radon....

Shmithecat2 · 27/04/2019 16:49

Yabu. My dsis was married to her exh for nearly 20 years, they have 4 children together. Dsis is married again, but I still consider her exh part of the family, and so does the rest of my family. She divorced him. We didn't. We all have a lovely relationship with him and he's still very much part of our lives. The current DH of my dsis might have an issue, he might not. He's never voiced it, and quite honestly, I wouldn't give a fuck if he did. ExBil would still be invited, current Bil could stick his invite up his arse 🤷‍♀️