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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent my inlaws

121 replies

Panda98 · 26/04/2019 12:24

Sorry this is going to be a very long one full of spelling and grammar mistakes. It's also an in law bashing thread. Hope I don't come across as entitled.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents and my dh divorced parents who are both married). All live a similar distance away which is roughly 60 miles (that takes hour and a half in the car depending on traffic).

My parents visit every 2 weeks and are really helpful. We can't drive so they will take us to appointments and take me to aldi. They look after dc to give us a break. They make their own cup of tea while here and ours too. They help with cooking and even around the house.

My DH's mother is a manipulative, controlling narcissist who will guilt, bribe and lie to get what she wants. She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children. Definitely the controller and engulger and critic from toxic inlaws book. She couldn't be trusted to have the dc unsupervised (due to emotional incest). She visits every few months if that. She is retiring soon so that may change. She wants us to visit her and spend a few nights in her house especially at Christmas. She wants it on her turf so she can boss us around. She helps out sometimes, but lots of unsolicited advice more than useful help. Any useful help is held over our heads as a way to guilt us into doing what she wants.

My DHs father is pretty much useless and has never done anything for us, asks us to make him a cup of tea when here. He was very absent when DH's parents got divorced and he didn't pay child support for years and didn't feed dh and his siblings breakfast (before he dropped them off on a Saturday morning. He only had them on Friday night to Saturday morning. His mum feed them Friday night dinner). Now he is retired he seems to want to visit every month or so. Like him more than mil and would prefer him to visit over mil.

AIBU to resent my DH's parents? And not want them to visit so much now they are retired and bored I assume. And not want to visit mil on her turf to get bossed around/ talked to like children. Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc?

Also how often do grandparents visit you and your dc. How many sets of grandparents do you have? How far away do they live? How helpful are they? Any resentment etc?

Thanks to anyone who read all that.

OP posts:

GPatz · 26/04/2019 15:03

'Painting the nursery is really odd, most parents love to do that themselves!'

Well I'm odd and not most parents then. FIL was desperate to do it, I gladly took him up on his kind offer.

juneau · 26/04/2019 15:05

It's irrelevant whether she's a narcissist or not. For all we know, she could be. However, the way to deal with any person in your life that is making unreasonable demands and behaving in a petulant and childish manner is the same, which is to be firm, consistent and only agree to things that you actually want to do. Those of us who don't get pushed around in life set appropriate boundaries and stick to them. Those who do get pushed around have not done this. Being a 'people pleaser' is a fast route to feeling miserable and resentful, so put on your big girl pants, get your DH to pull on his big boy pants and both of you decide what your boundaries are and then stick to them. You'll have to deal with some attempts at manipulation while your MIL gets used to the new assertive couple that you're going to be, but boy will it be worth it in the long run!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2019 15:09

You have a child / children. You have parents, who do tons for you. The first thing that springs to mind is you won’t be doing the same for your children when they are in your position firstly because neither of you drive and secondly because you absolutely come across as very entitled. Your dh can’t you say due to a medical condition. What about you? I bet you’ll have your kids running after you tbh.

As for your in laws. The way they talk to you and not helping shouldn’t be lumped together. It again makes you look very entitled. My fil has imo undiagnosed autism. He was definitely incapable of looking after my dd when she was little - he didn’t have the skills or attention span - and he certainly would never have helped us for diy. I painted his kitchen for him as he’s useless at that too. Never made me a cup of tea either. Coffee yes. He is also stubborn as fuck. He will do things like go upstairs to the bathroom and open a window just as everyone is going out so I have to constantly check on him. My dh loves him. He is his father. Annoying, yes but doesn’t have a nasty bone in his body. Mil deceased btw.

Your in laws sound manipulative and dismissive. This is the issue. You want them to treat you like adults but you don’t behave like ones. I am the adult child of a narcissist. Look up parentification. I was a parentified child. It may fit your description of your mil better.... unless you can give more concrete examples.

BorisBadunov · 26/04/2019 15:12

@FannyWork, thank you - completely agree. The constant branding of older women as “narcs” on MN is a very blatant expression of sexist bias.

justchecking1 · 27/04/2019 00:27

The constant branding of anyone on here as narcs is odd! Diagnostically speaking narcissistic personality disorder affects a really tiny proportion of the population, yet they all seem to be directly related to people who post on Mumsnet

bumblebae · 27/04/2019 01:09

To ask a FIL question....

DH to be is lovely and things are going great. Problem is I have found out MIL and FIL grow weed in their garage and have been for a few years. It does sound boring on AIBU and I don't know if I'm overreacting but I think I struggle with the idea of them being my child's grandparent and buying them gifts for example. I don't want them to. I find it all a bit grim but I need opinions please it's a weird one cause they are otherwise ok with kids x

julensaor · 27/04/2019 01:27

@justchecking1 Diagnostically speaking narcissistic personality disorder affects a really tiny proportion of the population. I agree, the minute I see the word narcissistic on mumsnet, it annoys me, it is over used. But I think it is an adjective anyway, even though you are possibly viewing it as an allusion to 'narcissistic personality disorder', which I do too. Why not use the word selfish instead of being a narcissist? The irony of it all being that a clinically diagnosed narcissist takes cues from the people around them and works with that, whereas purely selfish people just plough on.

KC225 · 27/04/2019 06:59

OP I think you are getting a bit of a bashing on this thread regarding your parents. You see them every couple of weeks, and SF did a bit of painting you go to the supermarket together - where the mum is probably doing shopping as well. All sounds fine.

DantesInferno · 27/04/2019 07:21

@bumblebae

Probably best to start your own thread, then you'll get answers for you (it's ok, they don't charge you for threads )

Teddybear45 · 27/04/2019 07:25

I think you need to ask your DH how he feels about having his in laws basically take over so regularly because his wife can’t raise a toddler and run a house by herself. It will probably be an eye opener OP

SaskiaRembrandt · 27/04/2019 07:57

Yes, do ask your DH to be honest about the amount of input your parents have into your lives, because I suspect the answer will be that he finds them overbearing.

And your MIL. First she's left to bring her children up with no support from their father, and now she has you labelling her narcissistic and guilty of emotional incest because she didn't plod on like a martyr. It's ironic that you criticise her for this when you need so much help and are so hostile towards anyone who doesn't provide it.

Grow up, and learn to drive and do your own shopping, cooking and DIY. That's what adults do, ffs.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2019 08:11

I think your MIL is normal re helping. Most adults don't need their parents to take them shopping, to the doctors, cook for them, make drinks, do childcare etc. I'd find that very stifling if DH had his parents over doing that and would wonder why he couldn't function as an adult himself.

What happens when your parents can't do all that? Will you then expect the children to take over?

HolesinTheSoles · 27/04/2019 08:34

Well your in laws may well be awful but you do come across as entitled. You resent making fil a cup of tea when he visits you? You seem to expect your parents to drive 60 miles to drop you at local appointments. (I get it I only passed my test when eldest DC was 6 but never expected my parents to drive me around!). If your parents don't mind doing this that's fine but it's definitely not the standard you can expect of your in laws.

PomPomtheGreat · 28/04/2019 03:20

OP, the big problem in your life, as far as I can see, is the word 'Until'. Lose it from your vocabulary as fast as you can. You use the word as though it's a natural consequence of something and it really, really isn't. She nags/cries UNTIL we ...

Reframe it in your mind as she nags/cries but NEVERTHELESS we ...

No one can make you feel or act a certain way but you. You seem to feel, as many of us have at some time or another felt, that you have to act or react as she chooses. You really, really don't.

As far as the amount of help you receive from your own parents, that's entirely between them and you. It's no one else's business. However, I'd advise you not to become totally reliant on it as things can and do change and you may need to switch to becoming their support sooner than you think. Also, don't make their level of support a touchstone for anyone else's level of support. Comparisons are indeed odious.

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 03:54

You sound like hard work OP and clutching at straws. If I thought my Il were capable of any kind of abuse I would not let my DC see them. You and your DH need to grow up and stand on your own 2 feet instead of lashing out just because your parents do everything for you, grow up.

Dieu · 28/04/2019 05:20

Do you always judge people by how useful they are to you?

MidniteScribbler · 28/04/2019 05:32

She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children.

Well, if the shoe fits...

hellodarkness · 28/04/2019 05:53

"she doesn't ask she demands and will guilt and throw tantrums until we agree"

Maybe that's true, but given your extreme exaggeration to describe normal behaviour as 'emotional incest' I'm naturally going to suspect the same here.

I suspect we'd be getting a very different story from mil.

SilverySurfer · 28/04/2019 06:53

You complain that your MiL talks to you like children but seem to have no problem being treated like children by your own parents.

BethanyGilbert · 28/04/2019 07:06

Why can’t you make people cups of tea?

SoyDora · 28/04/2019 07:18

wouldn't go to someone's house with a small toddler and asl them to make me tea

I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 15 week old and still manage to make cups of tea for my parents and my IL’s!
My parents (divorced) live very close to us. We see my mum weekly usually, she babysits occasionally when asked, and is fab at playing with the children and doing crafts with them, but no other ‘help’. We see my dad weekly too, again he plays with the DC and they love him but doesn’t ‘help’.
IL’s live abroad and we see them maybe 3 times a year for 5 days at a time. They stay with us. They tend to make their own cups of tea/coffee as they’re here for extended periods, and will pay for the takeaway or take us out for a meal. There isn’t any other help that we would want or expect from any of them, we tend to just look after ourselves.

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