To resent my inlaws

[Panda98]

Sorry this is going to be a very long one full of spelling and grammar mistakes. It's also an in law bashing thread. Hope I don't come across as entitled.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents and my dh divorced parents who are both married). All live a similar distance away which is roughly 60 miles (that takes hour and a half in the car depending on traffic).

My parents visit every 2 weeks and are really helpful. We can't drive so they will take us to appointments and take me to aldi. They look after dc to give us a break. They make their own cup of tea while here and ours too. They help with cooking and even around the house.

My DH's mother is a manipulative, controlling narcissist who will guilt, bribe and lie to get what she wants. She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children. Definitely the controller and engulger and critic from toxic inlaws book. She couldn't be trusted to have the dc unsupervised (due to emotional incest). She visits every few months if that. She is retiring soon so that may change. She wants us to visit her and spend a few nights in her house especially at Christmas. She wants it on her turf so she can boss us around. She helps out sometimes, but lots of unsolicited advice more than useful help. Any useful help is held over our heads as a way to guilt us into doing what she wants.

My DHs father is pretty much useless and has never done anything for us, asks us to make him a cup of tea when here. He was very absent when DH's parents got divorced and he didn't pay child support for years and didn't feed dh and his siblings breakfast (before he dropped them off on a Saturday morning. He only had them on Friday night to Saturday morning. His mum feed them Friday night dinner). Now he is retired he seems to want to visit every month or so. Like him more than mil and would prefer him to visit over mil.

AIBU to resent my DH's parents? And not want them to visit so much now they are retired and bored I assume. And not want to visit mil on her turf to get bossed around/ talked to like children. Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc?

Also how often do grandparents visit you and your dc. How many sets of grandparents do you have? How far away do they live? How helpful are they? Any resentment etc?

Thanks to anyone who read all that.

Gilbert1A it's making the child a substitute husband. And her emotional blackmail (it could be your grans last Christmas sort of thing)

C8H10N4O2 explained it better

sorry OP, surely you don't need parenting when you have a family of your own.
One of you needs to be able to drive, I don't but my dh does and we'd be lost without tbh.

I can't believe you begrudge making a visitor to your home a cup of tea!

Do you have friends that visit your house? Do you say to them that they have to make their own cuppa because you are clearly too busy with a toddler? I doubt it.

I can just about tolerate my in laws, but when they visit I cook a meal for them, because I'm not petty.

I think you don't like them and are looking for ways to judge them to justify your dislike of them. Are you and your DH from different social backgrounds by any chance?

Ah, I see. Blimey. What a vile expression.

Toooldtocareanymore she doesn't ask she demands and will guilt and throw tantrums until we agree

and you call that emotional incest and think your child won't be safe with them?! sorry but you sound absoloutely nuts

The point is not the one statement. In emotional abuse of any kind its never about the one statement. Its the long term pattern of endless statements like that which in the adult/child dynamic forces the child to worry, become anxious and feel responsible for the adults happiness and well being.

Its a fundamentally unhealthy relationship and damaging to the child.

I don't know if the OP's DH had a diagnosis of it, but whatever you think of the terminology it is a recognised form of childhood abuse.

OP. Stop reading junk psychology.

Gilbert1A I didn't say that was emotional incest I said that was emotional blackmail.

OP, you sound like hard, hard work. How many children do you have that your parents need to help you so much and that you don't have time to make a visitor a cup of tea. I'm guessing you have quintuplets plus a few others.........
Maybe it's time you thought about being kind and helpful to other people. Doing something for your parents maybe instead of using everyone. And growing up would be an idea, don't you think?
Unless there's a medical reason why you both can't drive, then learn to. You sound awful and entitled.

I see the OP is selective in her replies

You're pissed off that they rarely visit but want a cup of tea when they do? But on the other extreme you need your mummy to take you to appointments and food shopping? Okay then.

why cant you learn to drive @Panda98

I think you have had your expectations unrealistically raised by the amount your parents do for you.

ChicCroissant so we should make the effort and take the dc to visit a man who didn't pay child support or make breakfast for his own kids. We also have never been invited to his house.

I had a difficult pregnancy, extreme morning sickness for 25 weeks and painful even walking up the stairs. So my parents offered to paint room and I said yes. Dh has a medical condition that means he can't drive, do DIY or paint well. Don't want to mention what it is as that would be more outing

op you used the expression 'emotional incest' in your opening post which is why people picked up on it as well as 'emotional blackmail'
dantes a valid point but not everyone wants to learn to drive / can afford to run a car.

We also have never been invited to his house.
you have never been invited then don't go ?? its not rocket science

ChicCroissant so we should make the effort and take the dc to visit a man who didn't pay child support or make breakfast for his own kids. We also have never been invited to his house.

Well, that doesn't make any sense, does it?

If you don't let your depressed brother visit he may commit suicide and that will be your fault. Is that emotional blackmail? That's the sort of shit mil comes out with all the time

Yes, frankly. Your DH doesn't seem to have raised any objections only you.

So you've never taken your baby to any of their grandparents?

How come neither of you drive?

I must admit, your parents driving 60 miles twice a month to take you supermarket shopping is pretty mad. That is going way above and beyond. It makes me think your expectations could be a bit skewed.

Also don't understand the bit about not making MIL a cup of tea once every few months.

Cross post there, that was about visiting your FIL - don't wait to be asked, ask if you can go and visit!