Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my inlaws

121 replies

Panda98 · 26/04/2019 12:24

Sorry this is going to be a very long one full of spelling and grammar mistakes. It's also an in law bashing thread. Hope I don't come across as entitled.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents and my dh divorced parents who are both married). All live a similar distance away which is roughly 60 miles (that takes hour and a half in the car depending on traffic).

My parents visit every 2 weeks and are really helpful. We can't drive so they will take us to appointments and take me to aldi. They look after dc to give us a break. They make their own cup of tea while here and ours too. They help with cooking and even around the house.

My DH's mother is a manipulative, controlling narcissist who will guilt, bribe and lie to get what she wants. She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children. Definitely the controller and engulger and critic from toxic inlaws book. She couldn't be trusted to have the dc unsupervised (due to emotional incest). She visits every few months if that. She is retiring soon so that may change. She wants us to visit her and spend a few nights in her house especially at Christmas. She wants it on her turf so she can boss us around. She helps out sometimes, but lots of unsolicited advice more than useful help. Any useful help is held over our heads as a way to guilt us into doing what she wants.

My DHs father is pretty much useless and has never done anything for us, asks us to make him a cup of tea when here. He was very absent when DH's parents got divorced and he didn't pay child support for years and didn't feed dh and his siblings breakfast (before he dropped them off on a Saturday morning. He only had them on Friday night to Saturday morning. His mum feed them Friday night dinner). Now he is retired he seems to want to visit every month or so. Like him more than mil and would prefer him to visit over mil.

AIBU to resent my DH's parents? And not want them to visit so much now they are retired and bored I assume. And not want to visit mil on her turf to get bossed around/ talked to like children. Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc?

Also how often do grandparents visit you and your dc. How many sets of grandparents do you have? How far away do they live? How helpful are they? Any resentment etc?

Thanks to anyone who read all that.

OP posts:
Romax · 26/04/2019 13:15

Not once have you made any reference to how your dh feel
And yet his parents terrible relationship with him apparently lies at your disdain for them

PastaOfMuppets · 26/04/2019 13:17

Ah, cross post with emotional incest. I get what you mean. Talking to her son about her ex not paying child support is now 'emotional incest'?? Wow.

Cranky17 · 26/04/2019 13:18

If you mil wanted to help more would that be better though? Have you asked her to support you?

Mum/daughter relationship is often easier as it’s more natural but that’s not to say mil doesn’t want to help but potentially is scared tonover step the mark

BlueMerchant · 26/04/2019 13:18

What is the 'useful help' mil holds over your heads?
Money? If this is the case I would stop accepting as I think this could be the source of the problem.

Original poster
Panda98 · 26/04/2019 13:18

It's an invitation, not a summons mil won't accept a no, she will guilt and throw tantrums until we agree to go and stay a few nights. She will also get other family members to do the same.

My parents ask to visit every 2 weeks

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 26/04/2019 13:20

If your dh doesn't want to see his horrible parents then I would turn down any requests to visit. If he does want to see them (and why would he want to expose your toddler to such horrible people??) then you can agree with him the limits. Regarding visiting MIL just say no!

Regarding your parents I agree that is makes you and your husband sound like children. You have one toddler? Does that mean you have to be looked after??

Biancadelrioisback · 26/04/2019 13:21

You seem to have two extremes. On the one hand, your parents are very involved whereas his aren't. You always prefer your own parents way of doing things but perhaps your DH feels overpowered by your parents? I know my DH wouldn't have liked my parents painting the nursery, that's a step too far IMO.

Either accept his parents in your life or don't. Don't do this half arsed thing where you just complain about them but don't do anything about it.

DonkeyHohtay · 26/04/2019 13:21

Getting your mum to take you to appointments and to the supermarket when you are a grown up with children of your own is pathetic.

FannyWork · 26/04/2019 13:22

Does your DH have a problem with his childhood or just you?

I can’t see why her telling her son about financial matters 20 odd years ago means she’s too dangerous to have your children unsupervised.

I think it’s rude you object to making tea for visitors.

I think a 3 hour journey to visit in laws a couple of times a year is fine.

I think you sound bonkers.

Fairenuff · 26/04/2019 13:23

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. You don't have to have them in your house. If dh wants to see them he can go and visit them.

dottiedodah · 26/04/2019 13:26

TBH I expect that quit a few families are not too keen in their in laws!.( (I was very lucky with mine got on great )However most people would put their partners wishes first and try to work things out.You seem to be very reliant on your parents ,I think .If you are quite young still thats understandable ,however you might want to maybe think about driving lessons for example as you cant rely on them forever!.Maybe just "suck it up" as they say .Put on a happy face when they are there and scream silently within or go out for a walk!

C8H10N4O2 · 26/04/2019 13:26

Getting your mum to take you to appointments and to the supermarket when you are a grown up with children of your own is pathetic

They offered, she didn't ask. Prior to the offer she was getting groceries delivered - its in her posts.

I offer to do things for my kids which they could manage without my help, sometimes they accept, sometimes not. They didn't stop being my children when they hit 18.

Fundays12 · 26/04/2019 13:27

You are expecting a lot from people. Your parents might help a lot (possibly far to much as you seem overly dependent on them) but you can’t expect that level of support from others. If your MIL is that bad fair enough you want to avoid her so send your dh with the kids to visit end off.

Toooldtocareanymore · 26/04/2019 13:28

in think this is just your perception is totally warped, from your perspective, to someone else its odd, another way of phrasing this whole story of woe is- my parents are a nightmare they show up every couple of weeks , change my shopping arrangements make me go shopping with them while they do their own shopping, they have taken over household tasks, painted a nursery I didn't ask them to, will even get yup and help themselves to whatever they want in the kitchen, I was assuming form your story that your dh or dp is physically disabled and you need a lot of help, your mil or fil turned up a few times a year and as a guest in your home expects you to make her a cup of tea??? far from outrageous , no matter how many times either of my parents or il's call into my home they would be offered tea/coffee etc. I don't expect any guest to help with cooking dinner. My mum would volunteer i'd decline her offer. Your mil personality and behaviour as described by you is awful but you have no examples , so she like may other mils ask you over to spend a few days at xmas and you don't want to go, big deal. because she talks to you like a child, well I cant see much examples of adult behaviour from anyone , and I have no idea what emotional incest is if it exits.

Original poster
Panda98 · 26/04/2019 13:29

Romax dh does not seem bothered by his parents because he is a massive people pleaser and will let cheeky f**ckers walk all over him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Panda98 · 26/04/2019 13:30

PastaOfMuppets that kind of thing plus saying things like "I don't know how we will pay the bills and cope" and then going out and spending a fortune on non essentials

OP posts:
juneau · 26/04/2019 13:30

The pair of you need to grow a spine. Ignore the tantrums. Decide what your response will be as a couple and stick to the script. If questioned, repeat the same thing ad infinitum. Something along the lines of 'Thank you for the invitation MIL, but we prefer to be at home for Christmas. It's nice for the DC to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning and far more relaxing for us'. If questioned, just say 'Thanks, but that's what we've decided'.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/04/2019 13:31

Covert Incest/Emotional Incest has been a standard term for at least 30 yrs.

It isn't just sharing a bit of information with children, its about making them the best friend, putting your worries onto them, sometimes sharing inappropriate relationship or sexual info but not necessarily. Effectively the child is pushed into the role of surrogate spouse/best friend instead of a normal parent/child relationships.

Its nothing like being vaguely aware as a child that money is a bit tight or that mum is worried about something.

Original poster
Panda98 · 26/04/2019 13:32

BlueMerchant she has never given us money. Just DIY help (step fil does that) or giving us furniture she doesn't need anymore etc.

OP posts:
Gilbert1A · 26/04/2019 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wholetthekidsout · 26/04/2019 13:36

My in laws never visited even tho they can. They visited us once when we moved in then we're rude about our pokey house and neighbourhood (I moved away from them because they didn't offer to babysit when I was in active labour with DC2 and they were 20min away) I bring kids and play dumb but polite whenever my DH is summoned by them to their house over xmas etc.

My parents live in europe now but expect red carpet treatment if visiting. They would be more involved on kids front, if I let them, but they expect me to make their tea and beds, which I could do once a year except they openly criticise my cooking, undermine my parenting, use up all the hot water. I dont let them stay with me now by booking intermitten holidays when I know they want to visit (August, they can only bear the British summer)

Entitled baby boomers. Anyway my view is let DH deal with his parents and you with yours. I resent mine deeply but I go along with it. Maybe I'm too passive aggressive but I don't see any benefit of open conflict.

And this sounds petty but hey, you have DH and they don't, which is the typical in law resentment towards the wife

DantesInferno · 26/04/2019 13:36

kind of thing plus saying things like "I don't know how we will pay the bills and cope" and then going out and spending a fortune on non essentials

I think you are overly reliant on your parents, but see that as normal. I think you can just say no, and not go and see her if you don't want to. let her guilt you, just ignore it

ChicCroissant · 26/04/2019 13:37

From the OP's first post:-
Hope I don't come across as entitled

The OP obviously knows they come across as entitled which makes me think she's been pulled up on this before. I wonder if her partner reads the same toxic inlaws book and thinks the same about her parents. Painting the nursery is really odd, most parents love to do that themselves!

Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc
Ferry us around, take us shopping, look after the children, make our meals and drinks .... such a one-way street. So one-way in fact, that your criticise your FIL for daring to ask for a cup of tea - you won't even make a visitor a drink? Really Hmm

How many times have you taken your child to visit their grandparents, OP? In their own home, I mean, not yours.

BlueMerchant · 26/04/2019 13:37

Don't accept the DIY help or the furniture ( as useful as it is). She then can't treat you like you 'need' her and their help.

BertrandRussell · 26/04/2019 13:37

What’s emotional incest?

Swipe left for the next trending thread