To resent my inlaws

[Panda98]

Sorry this is going to be a very long one full of spelling and grammar mistakes. It's also an in law bashing thread. Hope I don't come across as entitled.

We have 3 sets of grandparents (my parents and my dh divorced parents who are both married). All live a similar distance away which is roughly 60 miles (that takes hour and a half in the car depending on traffic).

My parents visit every 2 weeks and are really helpful. We can't drive so they will take us to appointments and take me to aldi. They look after dc to give us a break. They make their own cup of tea while here and ours too. They help with cooking and even around the house.

My DH's mother is a manipulative, controlling narcissist who will guilt, bribe and lie to get what she wants. She is very passive aggressive and talks to us like children. Definitely the controller and engulger and critic from toxic inlaws book. She couldn't be trusted to have the dc unsupervised (due to emotional incest). She visits every few months if that. She is retiring soon so that may change. She wants us to visit her and spend a few nights in her house especially at Christmas. She wants it on her turf so she can boss us around. She helps out sometimes, but lots of unsolicited advice more than useful help. Any useful help is held over our heads as a way to guilt us into doing what she wants.

My DHs father is pretty much useless and has never done anything for us, asks us to make him a cup of tea when here. He was very absent when DH's parents got divorced and he didn't pay child support for years and didn't feed dh and his siblings breakfast (before he dropped them off on a Saturday morning. He only had them on Friday night to Saturday morning. His mum feed them Friday night dinner). Now he is retired he seems to want to visit every month or so. Like him more than mil and would prefer him to visit over mil.

AIBU to resent my DH's parents? And not want them to visit so much now they are retired and bored I assume. And not want to visit mil on her turf to get bossed around/ talked to like children. Compared to my parents who help out lots, don't talk to us like children etc?

Also how often do grandparents visit you and your dc. How many sets of grandparents do you have? How far away do they live? How helpful are they? Any resentment etc?

Thanks to anyone who read all that.

purplepears that was a reply to someone saying we should take our dc to grandparents house. We'll we have never been invited

ChicCroissant we take them to Mils house but not fil (they divorced) as we have never been invited.

Why do neither of you drive?

Sounds like you need to grow up and stand on your own two feet OP. You're an adult sort out your own shopping and appointments, if you don't want to see someone or visit someone say no. Recognise emotional blackmail for what it is and say no etc.

Do not judge is my advice. As in laws we live locally so can help out with the garden, house, cleaning, shopping, babysitting. My DIL admits her DM is pretty useless in that direction but she loves her to bits. Who is anyone to judge what a parent should do for their adult children.

What I am seeing with your pop psychology is that you want separate your dh from his family. Which is abusive in itself.

The father of my adult daughter didn't pay child support either and was abusive. I would still offer him a cup of tea or coffee if he was visiting, because all my visitors are offered something to drink, that is the least you can offer a visitor.

His Dad didn’t pay child maintenance and you are blaming the mother for mentioning it to her child, saying that makes her too dangerous to be around your kid alone and saying you prefer the Dad?

Has it ever occurred to you that it might have been really fucking hard for her to raise your DH alone, with no maintenance and no parents dropping everything to wipe her arse every 20 seconds?

Someone needs to lay off Dr Google

My daughter has 2 sets of grandparents, one set live 15 mins away and my parents live about an hour away. My in laws have babysat a couple of times for a couple of hours, but that's as much help as we get.

We see both sets probably once every couple of months, if they visit we make them cups of tea and offer to make some food. We have good relationships with all of them. We are just quite capable of looking after ourselves, even with a toddler running around.

I think it's unfair to judge your in laws by how much your parents do, that's an extraordinary amount of help and most people would never expect that much help. In fact if my parents offered me that much help I would be looking at myself wondering if perhaps I was struggling or not coping well. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely of them to want to help you, but that's not a normal level of help for most people

You've got more than one child?! I assumed this was all over a baby, how long has this been going on now?

Considering you say in your opening post that you like FIL more than your MIL, it seems very mysterious that you don't go and see him. If he's asking to come down once a month he obviously wants to see the children.

Possibly you are so over-focused on fault-finding with your inlaws that you don't realise how you are coming across. Not once have you said your partner does not want to see them.

Wow I find a lot of these replies pretty sad tbh. Op dosnt say her parents HAVE to visit so she can do shopping and appointments- she was fine prior and did online shopping/ public transport. It's really nice that they feel so at home in your house to make everyone tea or to take in turns to cook it sounds a nice relaxed family atmosphere. So what they go shopping they spend time together doing everyday things there's nothing wrong with that. None of that makes op dependent on them. It's very sad that some posters are so negative about a close family doing what makes them happy- harming no one.

So even though you have literally masses of support, you can’t make a cup of tea and parent at the same time. Yet you’re incapable of empathising with a single parent not getting any child support letting off a bit of steam? Christ on a bike.

Sorry op, you do sound entitled and I would find that amount of attention from my parents suffocating, maybe it's time to stand on your own two feet.
You were quite clear in your op that this is an in law bashing thread and you've bashed them. I also think that you want to separate your DH from his parents.
I also agree with BertrandRussell's post at 13.45. Stop reading junk psychology books.

Btw thanks to C8H104O2 's post at 13.31 I now realise that there is a name for how the woman who gave birth to me treated me.

Dh has a medical condition that means he can't drive, do DIY or paint well. Don't want to mention what it is as that would be more outing

Do you have the same medical condition? I would think if someone’s spouse had a medical condition that prohibited them from driving then it would provide even more incentive for them to drive. I’m really far more perplexed about this than the IL stuff. My kids don’t have kids as yet but even so they seem to have the basics sussed, such as mum and dad are no longer chauffeurs and they need to crack on with food and household stuff themselves.

I wonder how your dh feels about your parents.Maybe he feels they overstep bounderies.Have you ever asked him.

You have a lot of help. It's shocking given all that help you find it rude that guests in your home expect a cup of tea.

Your mil raised your two kids with no financial help and an ex who couldn't even bother to feed his own kids. It's bizarre you gave labeled your mil as abusive but your fil who paid nothing and starved his kids gets a pass on that label.

We also have 3 sets of grandparents. All pretty useless, 1 set lives 6 hours away and visit once a year, the other set 20 min away and never visit and my parents 25 min away and never visit either.
My parents don't show any interest in my 2 DD so we have stopped visiting them, last time we saw them was Xmas and haven't heard from them since.

mil won't accept a no, she will guilt and throw tantrums until we agree to go and stay a few nights

Your MiL doesn't have any choice but to accept it. My own MiL has tried this on at Christmas before; oddly enough, without even having issued us an invitation and then expecting us to be mind-readers, drop all our plans and hot-foot it over there. Unsurprisingly enough, when a person finds themselves arguing with silence it's amazing how quickly they stop.

My DH is well aware that for many complex, varied and valid reasons I'm far from convinced this woman is a positive influence on our DC - a point he feels compelled to concede - and if this were left entirely up to me I'd cut her off tomorrow. I accept she's his mother and he's not ready to do this, but am still not sure whether we are doing the right thing by our DC. We don't return visits, but when she occasionally comes here I put up with her gracefully and make her meals and hot drinks. When someone is a guest under my roof, it's rude to do otherwise.

Re. emotional incest; yes, it's a thing, is a term long-recognized in psychotherapy lexicon, and it's a particularly horrible and insidious form of abuse. I've seen nothing in your posts to suggest this is the real state of play between your DH and your MiL.

I agree with lots of PPs so won’t repeat what they’ve said.

One point that jumped out from the OP was your pseudo diagnosis of MIL as ‘narc’. There isn’t anything in your posts that warrants the use of that term.

In fact, the vast majority of narcissists are men, except here on Mumsnet where they are mostly MILs.

I'm sorry, I know it is the biggest issue, but I'm still stuck on the fact you resent making a cuppa for someone that just traveled 60km to visit you!
Build yourself a bridge, you need to start getting over stuff!

Once you said that neither of you drive I immediately saw you both as the type of people to throw your hands to the sky and exclaim poor me.
I guess your parents come ever 2 weeks because they feel sorry and obliged as well as wanting to see DC.

You need to grow up and stand on your own two feet and get independent.

When you are independent it will be easier to dictate how long you spend with in-laws as you can leave when ever you want.

But imo your husbands parents deserve to get to know their GC and the GC deserve to have their GP in their lives.

Also, you need to drop the whole FIL never made breakfast - many people are crap parents and much better as GP.

Can you define what you mean by MIL's tantrums etc? You've been fairly inflammatory and extreme in how you've interpreted her so far (emotional incest was very inappropriate considering what you have now clarified) so I'm wondering if the tantrums are not quite as bad as you make them sound.

You do sound rather pampered by your parents which in itself is not actually that wrong but holding anyone else up to those standards means they will inevitably fall short and I suspect therein lies the real problem.

MIL may well be a handful but I think you are looking very hard for reasons to dislike her.

I can’t believe some people think a single mother who bought her kids up single handed with no financial help at all is entitled for wanted her son and his family to visit her for a few days. She must feel broken hearted.

In fact, the vast majority of narcissists are men, except here on Mumsnet where they are mostly MILs. hmm

I think this is because any woman who has a bit of self respect and is assertive (which let’s face it is most middle aged women) is branded a narc for not being a feminine pushover.