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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my lazy arsed DS (17) join the Navy?

110 replies

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 26/04/2019 12:04

By 'make', I mean give him the option to join up or leave home.

He is like a stoner but without being stoned iukwim. Extremely lazy, disorganised, will spend more time arguing about doing something than actually doing it and is totally wasting his educational options at the moment. Currently failing his first year of A levels completely due to lack of effort (not capability). Argued incessantly he would pull his socks up after his GCSE's and that he wanted to do A levels despite me knowing he wouldn't put the effort in(managed an A in Maths and Sciences despite doing no revision at all but failed the rest). Still needs me get him up in the morning. Overslept this week when he wasn't due at college until 1.30pm! Lies about having had a shower etc.

He needs a massive kick up the arse and quickly. He's only interested in skateboarding, hanging with his mates and listening to head banging music/jackass type videos which I'm sure has addled his brain.

He needs a complete change of environment to change his habits. I have no doubt he'll pass the tests and probably love it when he's into it, although is not on board now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HotSpotSpot · 26/04/2019 13:10

Yep. Mine’s at Oxford (her choice)

Seriously! You needed to tell us that. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Parenting the type of teen who gets themselves to Oxford isn’t quite the same as parenting a lazy 17 year old.

Beaubird83 · 26/04/2019 13:10

Does he want to join the Navy? If he can’t currently be bothered with studies what makes you think he would be bothered to do all the training required to join the Navy?
When I was at school doing my GCSEs I REALLY couldn’t be arsed. My teachers even suggested to my mum to pay me if I got better grades than they were expecting me to get.
I was gaming and just more interested in life away from school.

I passed English, but failed everything else. Maths was a major weak point, I never got any support and it wasn’t until a few years ago I have dyscalculia.
Went through a few college courses to figure out what I might have interest in, dropped out of 3 courses part way through because I was bored.
I then got an apprenticeship in travel and even though I didn’t complete it (health issues forced me to leave the job) I knew that I was ready for the working world.
I have since worked for the police collating court paperwork, and then a post office manager (someone who can’t do maths got a managers job in a place where maths is needed, do-able!).
I’m currently working two part time jobs after having my second daughter (she’s 2) and I’m doing cake making, and also an administrative lead for health visitors.

I guess my point is don’t try and force him to do anything he doesn’t want to, he will find something he wants to do in his own time. Even if he fails everything, it doesn’t mean he is a failure. He needs to find that one thing that is going to motivate him and change his mind set. Maybe even a career in gaming or retail gaming?!

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 26/04/2019 13:11

Amazon- yes but even so, you have to want to be there!

teta · 26/04/2019 13:11

What a wonderful parent you are Unclejamie just because you have a child at Oxford. I have one doing Medicine so I must be a wonderful parent too. This doesn’t negate the fact that I have a idle boy who may well be the same at 17. Incidentally mine is my most lovable likeable child. It doesn’t stop me getting furious with his laziness and lack of drive.

Amazonfromkent · 26/04/2019 13:13

Maybe private psychologist but that's expensive.... My son went though similar, he is now 24. A lot of his laziness is still there. The way I think about it is, we aren't all the same, and don't possess the same levels of industriousness and motivation. Some people are just lazy. They need motivation from an external source and sadly mothers aren't regarded very highly as motivators and life coaches by their own male children. Hence OP thinking army/navy might be that kick up the arse.

3timeslucky · 26/04/2019 13:14

I get your frustration but doubt you could "make him" sign up anymore than you could make him work. Turn off the wifi, sit him down and ask him what he's planning for his future. Make it clear you're not his meal ticket. Keep doing this til he gets off his arse and does something!

I had a friend in uni who recognised that he was poorly disciplined and prone to coasting. When he graduated (so he was doing some work) he joined the HK police force. He now works in the Dept of Foreign Affairs and has a good career. But it only worked because he wanted to do it and was motivated to make it work.

Meandmetoo · 26/04/2019 13:16

Jesus would a parent actually do this to their kid? Awful.

JoMos · 26/04/2019 13:16

Absolutely agree with this x

havingtochangeusernameagain · 26/04/2019 13:19

Laughing at the idea that "parenting" is responsible for how a kid turns out. You all do exactly what your parents want you to do all the time, right? It always surprises me how many parents on here think kids have no free will. They really do. You can nag as much as you like, if they don't want to do something (or they do) they won't/will do it. My parents were both sticklers for tidiness and order. I was not. All the nagging in the world would not have made me clean my own shoes for example. However, my mother was cleaning all the shoes in the household from the age of 7 because she wanted to! Nothing to do with parenting, everything to do with the choices I made.

My mum used to climb out of her bedroom window at night and go out! Was that bad "parenting" or was she just a bit of a rebel.

Did the OP whose daughter is at Oxford sit the exams for her? No you didn't, she did it by herself. Nothing to do with you (except intelligent genes perhaps but you aren't responsible for those either).

The only reason people like to say a badly behaved kid is that way because of "parenting" is because they want to say that their nicely behaved kid is that way because of their perfect "parenting". They're not. They're nicely behaved in spite of your doubtless inperfect "parenting". And yes I keep putting "parenting" into inverted commas because there is no such thing. You are a parent, you don't parent.

As for joining the Armed Forces you could end up dead, badly injured or mentally ill. It would not be my choice for a lazy (or any) son or daughter. I'd find some other way to try to motivate him to do something other than play computer games. Computer consoles are the work of the devil but if it wasn't them it would be something else. I was always reading instead of revising. No doubt other kids find other distractions.

ThisIsMyID · 26/04/2019 13:26

Have you considered a Military school like Welbeck? I've heard they do amazing things with students. The school is shutting though, so the next intake is its last. Is it too late to apply for Sep '19 entry?

fluorescentorange · 26/04/2019 13:27

What if he chooses the second option, are you willing to see him on the street? If not, then re - evaluate your parenting and sort him out yourself.

NameChangedNoImagination · 26/04/2019 13:30

Well, this is bringing out the best of Mumsnet... Hmm

Callywalls · 26/04/2019 13:31

This sounds exactly like my ds two years ago. I literally could have written this myself - he ended up failing the first year of his A levels and then switched to a BTEC which he is just about to finish and has a place at Uni to start September (a year later than he would normally have gone) The best thing he did was get a part-time job at a fast food outlet, he has had to work extremely hard for little money and it has made him realise that if he wants to earn more then he must finish his course to obtain a better paid job. It made him appreciate money and taught him how to behave around customers and colleagues (he can't get away with the one word answers he gave to me - he has had to learn to look people in the eye and be courteous) He is also working with people who work there full time and they have made him see how lucky he is to have parents who are willing to support him while he attends college, a lot of them are from other countries and have made it clear to him that they would have given anything to have had his opportunities. Honestly, it was the best thing he did. It is still a battle to get him to college everyday even though he only has a few weeks left, but i keep reminding him that if he wants a future where he can afford to run a car, buy clothes, computer games etc he has to finish his course and buck up his ideas. If he is genuinely interested in joining the Navy and you think it would suit him, then by all means help him find out more about it, but I am sure they would soon suss out whether he was trying to join for the right reasons. I am sure he is just going through a phase and that it will eventually pass, even though it is very stressful for you.

NameChangedNoImagination · 26/04/2019 13:31

Yep. Mine’s at Oxford (her choice)

GrinGrinGrin Twat

Original poster
QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 26/04/2019 13:32

Lots of assumptions about my parenting unsurprisingly Grin. My eldest is just about to finish studying at Cambridge if that makes any difference to the judgey pants btw!

DS is one of 4 and the brightest of the bunch which is why I am aghast at how he has turned out. It is pure laziness.

I always get flashbacks to him at age 7/8 and having to peel him off the floor that he'd be sprawled on watching TV or reading to force him out of the houseGrin.

I have always thought of the Navy as more of a peacekeeping and humanitarian force than a state sponsored murderers? My family has a long line of Navy officers in it, all of them made it through with getting killed. Odds of going to war at sea in the next few years are on par with being in a plane crash IMO.

Well he's just got home and after reading his latest report from his tutors he has agreed to go to a careers presentation next week. No doubt I'll have to get him there!

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 26/04/2019 13:33

When you get discharged and if you've got any problems, like no legs your on your absolute own fighting tooth and nail for every penny in benefits.
Sod that for a laugh, I'd rather my child do something else, anything else.

Original poster
QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 26/04/2019 13:36

Just to add we've already tried removing privileges over many years of this (not doing homework etc) obviously. He has a college ipad which we can't take away anyway and he's too old for taking away his phone. Don't really want him to have a life with no joy in it!

As if we haven't tried to make him get a part time jobGrin.

OP posts:
Callywalls · 26/04/2019 13:40

I'm so sorry for suggesting a part time job - I was only telling you what had helped us out of a very similar situation.

fluorescentorange · 26/04/2019 13:43

He has a college ipad which we can't take away anyway and he's too old for taking away his phone.

No WIFI no use for the I pad. I assume you pay for his phone so until pays for his own, he is never too old to take it away.

He deserves Joy in his life, yes, but that comes at a cost, and he seems to not want to pay.

Re read all your posts, if he is your 4th it can't be that you are clueless, you too seem to be lazy as it is hard work to sort out a rebellious teen and maybe as this is your first experience of it you don't know how much work needs to go into it.

He doesn't seem like the only one in your house that needs to put in more effort.

Waveysnail · 26/04/2019 13:45

Where does he get his money? Stop paying for anything including his phone. Change wifi password and dotngivw it to him.

Stop taking him to places. Let him fail. Stop picking up after him and waking him etc. He needs to stand on his own feet.

Your facilitating his laziness

ReanimatedSGB · 26/04/2019 13:49

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TheQueef · 26/04/2019 14:00

*Armed Services.
They don't use forces these days.
Don't forget most of these services are more likely to be humping sandbags up creeks in the UK to stop floods than off abroad.

babysharkah · 26/04/2019 14:22

He's got two A's at a level without tying.lazy and disorganised. Does he have ADHD or any other SEN?

stayathomer · 26/04/2019 14:25

There is no suggesting the OP could be bothered parenting her son or that she doesn’t like him

People aren't saying that, they're saying forcing someone into a tough career to fix any issues they have with authority discipline etc seems extreme

TheBulb · 26/04/2019 14:30

My SIL did pretty much this with her lazy, unmotivated school leaver in my home country — I think she literally filled out all the navy application forms and aptitude tests etc, and frogmarched him to the physical testing/interview. He was accepted, I assume in part due to how physically fit he was, but was chucked out for bad behaviour during basic training.