Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

How is expecting women and men to doexactly the same thing as each otherie keeping their own names, anything other than equality?

Because youre taking the choice away from women where men still have the choice. Obviously.

sliding you dont have to be so rude. Just because someone doesnt agree with you doesnt mean they dont understand.

I completely understand what youre saying. I get the point youre trying to make. But i think the point is flawed and therefore i disagree with it. That doesnt make me thick.

I think someone needs to start a new thread, because pages full of bickering about keeping or changing your name is really getting away from the point of the OP.

My two cents - stop judging other women for their choices. There are valid reasons why women might choose to keep their name (e.g. professional reputation) or change (e.g. you had shitty parents or just like your DH's name better). It's nobody else's business.

Because youre taking the choice away from women where men still have the choice. Obviously.

Nobody is taking any choice away from anyone. It’s about SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS needing to be changed. Which WON’T happen if women keep doing what they’re expected to do without asking men to consider doing the same.

But youre not suggesting we ask men to do the same. You're suggesting that women should keep their own / their dads / their family name. Therefore saying they should not take their husbands name even if they bloody well want to.

Men should be encouraged to consider changing their name. I agree. Everyone should have an equal right to call themselves whatever the fuck they please.

I dont believe beating women down into keeping their names even if they dont want to and insinuating theyre stupid, misogynistic or havent thought about it properly if they dont, is helping anyone.

@Moresldingdoors, will you please stop shouting. Societal expectations are changing. Nobody turns a hair if a woman doesn’t change her name when she marries. But I’d fight to the death for a woman to have the choice about what she calls herself. If she wants to take her husband’s name it’s her business and nobody else’s.

This is really a conversation that should have happened when you first met. Never assume anything. It's done now, so make sure you are financially protected should anything happen.

"Very often when a man says he does not believe in marriage, it's not true. He just doesn't want to be married to you."

How do you know that? Some men genuinely don't agree with marriage. I know a few that are just not interested in it.

my surname was actually my grandmother's as my dad was illegitimate

People, can we please dispense with terms like 'illegitimate' and 'bastard'? This stuff is seriously f%^king offensive in this day and age. Why perpetuate it? Regardless of where people are in the marriage v non-marriage debate, a vast number of the children born worldwide today are not born to married parents so let's quit with these pig ignorant terms, shall we?

OP, from what you've posted, your OH just doesn't want to marry you. The acid test of that, despite all his 'if that's what you really want' stuff is you going and booking a marriage in the register office and telling him the date. That'll give you your answer.

So you think women should keep their own name? And what if they dont want to? What if they also dont want a random meaningless name?

You cant look down on women for making a choice theyre happy with it just because you dont like it.

Women - everyone damns us for what we do, and damns us for what we don't do.

Ah right so basically unless their reasons are good enough for you youll just assume they're wrong and harming other women.

What knock on effects are these btw?

I think youre views are actually more harmful to women than any woman who takes their husbands name because they want to, actually.

Whether you agree or not youre saying women should do x y and z. Thats what men have done for god knows how long. Its no different.

Women being told what to do and how to act by other women is no better than what women have suffered for however many years.

Do you know what? I’m completely sick of people accusing others who make the choice that’s right for them of not doing feminism properly.

I stand by what I say, I’ve been married for 19 years and nobody’s raised an eyebrow at my not changing my name. Not once.

By subsuming yourself to a man when you get married, you are supporting this state of affairs what do you mean by subsuming, because i dont think i will suddenly become a part of dp when i marry him. If thats how you feel thats your issue but in this day and age i doubt very many women think that way.

It reinforces the status quo, and the centuries-old structure of belief that meant that married women couldn't own property, had to give up work, and could not legally object to being raped by their husbands

Really. All that from a woman who WANTS their husbands name? Youll be telling me im a rapist sympathizer next.

It undermines all of the work that women have done to fight for our rights by willingly choosing to support a system in which women are less important and less individual than men

No it doesnt. If you feel less important than a man youre married to then i feel sorry for you but i certainly dont and i dont think exercising my right to choose my own name says that i do.

You think that having an opinion about whether or not particular decisions are helpful or harmful to the cause of women's rights is 'no different' to oppressing, imprisoning, raping, and coercing women? OK then.
No i think you telling women what to do is the same as men telling women what to do. The only person who has mentioned rape and coercion is you. The only person that thinks those are related to taking your husbands name on marriage in this day and age is you.

I’m one of the generation of woman who lived through the days before the Equal Pay Act, had children when there was no childcare, women couldn’t get mortgages or credit cards, couldn’t join pension schemes, could only access contraception with a ring on their finger. I don’t take kindly to being lectured and told I’m not doing feminism properly.

Women aren’t second class citizens any more, my generation fought and won those battles. And, yes, denying other women choice because you don’t approve of what they choose is attempting to oppress them just as much as the patriarchy.

" Humpy84 Fri 26-Apr-19 07:59:58

Start hitting the gym and investing in yourself, your wardrobe, everything. Invest in your career, independence etc. He needs reminding that you’re a catch and can walk if you want to and have other options."

Yes thats why some men dont want to get married. Because uppity women arent hitting the gym enough. Investing in yourself? I think that language is very telling. People arent banks or houses They are human beings. People seeing each other as commodities is part of the problem.

And should the men whose female partners dont want to get married also hit the gym?

Bloody hell there are some vicious posts here.

If you truly want to support women, stop attacking their choices and support their right to use whatever the fuck name they want.

Only women though. Not men. They’re far too busy owning a penis to expect them to think about such things.

Do you understand the history of name changing and marriage in this country?

Yes. Stop insinuating that im thick.

It is worth asking why people want certain things, especially things that have no rational basis, and questioning ourselves, rather than simply going along with them

Well you have asked. Ive explained my personal reasons and you dont think theyre good enough. You think im too stupid to have thought about it properly and in your own words think that changing my name is "not rational". I dont think its up to you to say that and its not up to you to judge whats a good enough reason. You dont get to tell other women what to do.

I'm not telling women what to do. I'm suggesting that everyone should reflect on their own decisions rather than just automatically taking the easy path in life

Youre suggesting women who take their husbands name dont think. Thats offensive and untrue. Its not about "the easy path" for a lot of us. Youre ignorant to assume that it is.

That's why I kept my own identity when I got married, and didn't become one of my husband's marked possessions.

I dont have any less of my own identity than you do. I dont belong to my husband either. Again says more about your views on women than mine.

And it only changed because of women who were strong and brave and independent enough to challenge it

Ill go out on a limb here and say that that law didnt change as a direct result of women not changing their names on marriage.

Isn't it strange that your way of 'exercising your right to choose your name' manifested itself by you doing exactly what women are told to do and what the vast majority of women do in our society
I dont think its strange at all. Why do you think its strange? Or is this another insinuation that im a silly little woman who obviously cant think for herself?