Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

All of it. Can’t quote (iPad).

Ffs it’s bloody custard all right!

Me either doors but historically thats what having your husband or fathers surname was about. Thats why women shouldn't change their name to their husbands isnt it? To step away frok that horrendous tradition?

There are still women called Karen'sdaughter or evachild or similar after the last lot of feminism. Is it really still an issue?

They were obviously used tongue in cheek.

Me either doors but historically thats what having your husband or fathers surname was about. Thats why women shouldn't change their name to their husbands isnt it? To step away frok that horrendous tradition?

Actually, babies have traditionally been named after their mothers. But the whole ownership and control of women through marriage and re-branding of them as their husband’s means their mother’s name was also their father’s.

So keeping your dads name is surely just as bad as taking your husbands or fils no?

No. Because after 20 odd years it was MY name.

OK, let me paraphrase what you appear to be saying, although Plantpot has already done it. You inherit a paternal name when you’re born. Apparently that’s not misogynistic. You get married and you may choose to accept the name your husband was born with - another paternal name - but that is misogynistic. Have I got that right?

Just as my husband’s name was HIS.

It’s not about the origin of the name (although yes, my DD has both names to show where she came from). It’s about the fact that CHANGING NAME IS EXPECTED OF WOMEN AND NOT OF MEN.

IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?

kennehora i really suggest you read my posts because i havent said that once.

How come it took 10yr & 2kidsto figure he doesn’t want to marry you?
Didn’t you have the big conversation when it got serious
Big conversation
Married or cohabitate. At that point discuss your incompatible views
School. State or private
School Faith or Non denomination
Monies joint or sole

If he doesnt want to marry you go to a solicitor draw up wills etc
Register him as medical NOK with GP

Also your reasons were all personal and shite all to do with misogyny.

I don’t think anyone should change their name if they don’t want to. I didn’t. But I think making it about misogyny is logic defying.

It’s about the fact that CHANGING NAME IS EXPECTED OF WOMEN AND NOT OF MEN

Yes i think we got that. However telling women not to change their name doesnt at all change the fact that men arent expected to change theirs. Instead youre just forcing a different ideology on women and leaving men to it.

Thats not equality.

I like the patronymic or matronymic. In Gaelic I can be either Paws Nic Tearlach for my father or Paws Nic Dìorbhail for my mother. Iceland does the same.

Family name,Not sold on this notion 2 adults and children need same name to be a family
My dp and I have our surnames and kids are double barrelled

Custard everywhere.