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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
Scarcelyburnt · 28/04/2019 21:31

This surname thing is funny. I am happy to use my DH's surname. It does not diminish me in anyway. I consider myself a champion for women's right but I like to think I spend my time fight for or against the things that count. Not beating people up over choices that they happily make.

Also, a child must bear a surname. If they are typically given either the mother's or the father's surname one side will always feel hard done by. The key surely is about mutual respect and equality. Women must respect other women's choices, so too must men and vice versa.

MoreSlidingDoors · 28/04/2019 21:49

Also, a child must bear a surname. If they are typically given either the mother's or the father's surname one side will always feel hard done by.

But the majority of women still give theirs up willingly in every aspect of their lives. So how would that even come up?

YemenRoadYemen · 28/04/2019 21:58

Women must respect other women's choices, so too must men and vice versa.

Well, that’s nonsense.

Nobody has to respect other people’s choices? Obviously we can’t do anything about other people’s choices, but we don’t have to respect them - we can freely judge and question them. That is the uncomfortable truth.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2019 22:13

Women aren’t second class citizens any more,my generation fought and won those battles.
Utter rot,women are still battling inequality of opportunity,pay inequality,glass ceiling,
we won that battle complacency really is scandalous and ill informed

Motoko · 28/04/2019 22:14

FOR FUCK'S SAKE! TAKE THE NAME DISCUSSION ELSEWHERE!

Any advice that people are posting for OP, is getting lost in the pages and pages of bickering about name changing. This is not helpful to OP.

Alsohuman · 28/04/2019 22:14

@Kennehora. Yes, we know N Ireland is 50 years behind the rest of the UK with its archaic abortion laws, thanks to a party led by a woman.

Cuts to legal aid have disproportionately affected disabled and BAME people, not just women then.

More women die in car crashes - scraping the barrel here, aren’t we?

Perhaps instead of describing the vanishingly small number of ways women are currently discriminated against and focusing on marital name change, it might be useful to reflect on the improvement in female lives in the last five decades or so, fought for by the women who it seems aren’t feminist enough for your taste.

Scarcelyburnt · 28/04/2019 22:16

You should respect people's right to choose what suits them. You may disagree with it but it is their choice and that has to be respected. It's their choice.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2019 22:19

threads are like conversations Motoko they go off at tangents and that’s ok
Don’t dismiss women discussing issues as “bickering” it’s belittling

Alsohuman · 28/04/2019 22:21

I think OP buggered off days ago. And, yes, conversations tend to weave around fluidly, it’s what makes them engaging.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2019 22:23

Yes,it is engaging & interesting to debate a POV.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 22:45

Would love to live in the world some women inhabit - how can you merrily say women don’t face any inequality these days and those battles are won. Really?!

It’s like those posters that say they have never experienced any street harassment so it must be made up. I want to live where they live !

HelenaDove · 28/04/2019 23:22

YY @NettleTea. Meaning that all these men who are suddenly eager to go halves when paying on dates dont want to go halves on childcare?!

The hell you say!

Motoko · 28/04/2019 23:28

I'm not the only one who has asked you to take it to another thread, nor the first who said it was bickering.

It's one thing for conversations to meander, but that's not what this is, the thread has been completely hijacked, and I had trouble finding the posts offering OP advice, because they were lost in amongst all the name change posts.

OP probably has buggered off now, and I don't blame her.

Valanice1989 · 29/04/2019 19:46

OP, have you talked to your partner about booking the registry office?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/04/2019 21:23

Why would she book a registry office,he doesn’t want to marry her.hes said
Genuinely how daft is op going to look booking a reg office for unwilling groom
A man is under no obligation to marry if he doesn’t want to. as unpalatable as op finds it

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:53

Rtft lipstick

Valanice1989 · 29/04/2019 23:45

lipstick, the OP updated to say that her partner has agreed to a small registry office ceremony with two witnesses.

HelenaDove · 30/04/2019 00:38

I got married back in 1998 when i was 25 and took DHs name. It was just done automatically . I did it because thats what you did.

21 years later im glad because my surname is very like that of a well known actress and pronounced the same way whereas my maiden name made me sound like a bank.

Andromeida59 · 30/04/2019 09:35

I'm a bit late to this thread but I can absolutely agree with not getting married. DP and I have been together a long time and neither of us is interested in getting married. Wills, mortgage etc. all sorted. When we have children they will have both our names.

I love DP more than anything but I just don't believe in getting married. It would add nothing to our relationship. All legal matters have been dealt with. I'd rather spend the money on something else.

MoreSlidingDoors · 30/04/2019 09:40

All legal matters have been dealt with.

How have you dealt with inheritance tax on your estate? As I understand it that can’t be resolved legally.

Kennehora · 30/04/2019 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Valanice1989 · 30/04/2019 14:29

I love DP more than anything but I just don't believe in getting married. It would add nothing to our relationship. All legal matters have been dealt with. I'd rather spend the money on something else.

As others have pointed out above, there are certain legal matters that you can't deal without getting married. You can get married for less than £100 in lots of registry offices, so the money you would lose in inheritance tax or widows' benefit is far greater.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/04/2019 19:36

I find it odd on mn if a woman goes on and on to her partner about being married and he agerees that’s good result

If a man went on and on about getting married he’d be controlling and people, would reocommed the freedom programme

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/05/2019 13:42

I find it odd on mn if a woman goes on and on to her partner about being married and he agerees that’s good result

your perception of her "going on and on about it" rather then her wanting to have a proper straight up conversation about it, is why so many women DONT have this very important conversation sooner.

Because they don't want to be seen as "desperate" or "nagging" or "going on and on" which is bullshit, because that's not what most women are doing at all, and they should be allowed to know where they stand from day 1. Nothing wrong with being informed.

Valanice1989 · 01/05/2019 17:33

But Lipstick, it sounds like the OP's partner didn't really understand what marriage was! She had to spell it out to him. A lot of people nowadays don't seem to realise that marriage is a legal contract (partly because "it's just a piece of paper" is such a popular catchphrase among people who don't want to marry their partners!).