To not want daughter going to a wood by herself?

[Vellia]

Dd is 16. We live in a town with lots of countryside/footpaths at close proximity. About a 15 minute walk away from our house, you get to the edge of some farmers’ fields. If you walk down the side of one of these you find yourself in a lovely small wood. At the moment the bluebells are out and it’s absolutely magical.

Over Easter, dd and I have gone for a walk in this wood most mornings before she starts revising (I work in a school so have school holidays off). But in a few weeks’ time she’ll be off school on pre-GCSE study leave while I’ll be working.

She’s said in passing that she’s going to go for a walk in the woods at the start of each day to get herself in the right frame of mind for revision.

I feel rather uncomfortable about this as the wood is a significant distance away from the road & any houses. Definitely out of ear-shot. And the wood is never very busy - we rarely bump into more than one or two people, mostly dog walkers; often it’s entirely empty apart from us.

AIBU to think it would be unwise for dd to go walking there by herself? Would I be unreasonable to tell her she can’t?

In terms of relative risk, living with a man is far riskier than walking in the woods alone. Neither is necessary, both are a choice. Anyone happy for their daughter to do one but not the other has no grasp of risk and is an irrational hypocrite.

Walking through bluebell woods regularly offers a significant benefit to physical and mental health and carries a vanishingly small risk of violence or death.

Living with a man offers benefits and disadvantages to mental health and wellbeing (over all, the stats seem to be that men benefit healthwise from marriage, women lose out, compared to same age single women). It also carries a small but not insignificant risk of mental and physical violence, rape and murder. Two women a week in the UK are murdered by husbands and partners.

If you do a cost / benefit analysis, bluebell woods win hands down.

We all think we are good at assessing personal risk from individuals we know. The evidence says otherwise.

Many of us carry some primeval, or modern mythological fear of woodland. This is not supported by evidence.

Look I think if she's comfortable she should go.

Of course if she was mugged/raped etc it would be dreadful but so is the fear of bad things happening and always staying safe. As humans it's good to take risks sometimes as long as you are aware.

If she is aware of different routes to get out, has a phone if she needs to call anyone and she is confident enough to trust her gut if anything goes wrong.

She's more likely to trip and sprain her ankle or get bit by a not so friendly woodland critter to be honest.

I am only 29 but I do envy my parents generation where they were not wrapped up in cotton wool- where they could go out and explore, but were also aware that not everyone had good intentions.

Nowadays you so rarely see teens just walking in nature or taking pooch for a jog - I think that's a very sad thing.

I wouldn't do it myself and I certainly would not want my child to do it either.

@TheInvestigator
Yep you’re parents were not great

My Mum is also paranoid about most risks which in turn has made me fairly anxious so I have to override paranoia that I grew up with.

I do think there's a difference between 16 and say 18 ... at 16 you could still feel like it's kind of your fault if something happens.
If this was a 14-year-old, would OP get the same answers? Probably not. 16 is a difficult one.

My parents had me in kickboxing classes from.the age of 5 (obviously the kids classes were more about fun) but by the age of 16, I would pretty damn capable of defending myself.

If you're raising a girl and you havnt put her into classes like that as she grows up then you've failed. If you're so terrified of rapists then that should be number 1 on the list of things to teach your daughter. I was raised to be self sufficient, independent and able to protect myself. Never faced a situation where ive felt scared or out of my depths. But all your kids being wrapped in cotton wool... they're going to struggle.

I wouldn't do it myself and I certainly would not want my child to do it either

You don’t ever go for a hike in the countryside on your own? Or a walk in the woods or park?

Probably best just to say home and only leave the house protected by your manly husband or chaperoned by a gaggle of female relatives when outside the home.

Fucking hell I never realised what small and scared lives so many women lead.

You’re far more likely to come to harm at the hand s of the man you’ve chosen to live with than you in the countryside.

Anyone happy for their daughter to do one but not the other has no grasp of risk and is an irrational hypocrite.
You're welcome to call me a hypocrite, just as I will hang on to my own assessment of you.

i agree with you op.

@Ghanagirl

I think they did ok. Had me taught self defence from a very young age. Had me cooking and understanding budgets from a very young age. Had me outdoors most of my life and taught me to handle the situations that could come up. If I get lost in the wilderness with no shelter and no food, I know how to survive.
And they were pretty hard about education and now I'm a successful woman running a business. And I still know how to kick the ass of a potential rapist when I go out on my own, just like when I was 16.

I hope my 16 year olds are confident enough to go out on their own and also capable of defending themselves. But you lot... You're scared of an almost adult going a walk in the countryside... And you don't see a problem with that fear being instilled into your children? This is instance.

I guess the people saying that they wouldn't advise their children to be careful have not gone through the trauma of being attacked by a stranger when out walking alone.

What does 'be careful' mean?

If it means 'have you thought of varying your route and timings, just in case anyone dodgy has noticed you doing this?', that is rational and sensible advice.

It is means 'never walk in woods alone', then it must also mean 'never catch a plane, travel in a car, cross a road, live in a city at all, live with a man, eat crisps, fail to exercise every day (or any of another million everyday, ordinary things that people do, all of which carry risk).

Living in constant fear of things which have a very low probability of occurring but would be devastating if they did - but which are otherwise and over-all beneficial - is an irrational, anxiety-inducing and frankly rather self-hating way to live.

My point was to invite the naysayers to explain their obvious hypocrisy. It could have been interesting.

1 knew 16 year olds who couldn't cook a meal. I also knew a 17 year old who lived alone because both parents had died. Don't judge other teenagers by the independence and ability of your own, especially if you havnt been raising yours to be able to do everything on their own.
I think being independent is great but being able to cook and budget doesn’t make you impervious to assault.
And I still know how to kick the ass of a potential rapist when I go out on my own, just like when I was 16.
I have also done self defence class as I used to work at night.
It still the case that at 5’3 weighing 8.7 most men are much stronger.
I’m not saying not to go walking but why risk walking alone in a secluded place.

And people wonder why teenagers have increasing levels of mental health problems - not allowed to go for a walk and connect with nature; fear and paranoia about personal safety instilled into them by their own parents.

This, absolutely.

My favourite place is the highlands. I'm not giving that up because of some irrational fear that their are rapists stalking the hills and woods just hoping to jump on a lone woman... because they'd be waiting for months at a time to bump into someone.

And walking in the woodland near your home? That should not be something we teach our children to fear!

Teach them to walk with the house keys held between their fingers if you want, then punch the potential rapist in the eye with the keys sticking out. Or teach them whatever else techniques they will be able to do. Teach them to be aware of their surroundings and clock it if someone follows them. Teach them not to go walking at 3am. But don't teach them never to go out alone... That's not a good life and that's not a good lesson.

i’m not saying not to go walking but why risk walking alone in a secluded place.

Yeah, maybe just walk round the block. It’s the same, right?

In terms of relative risk, living with a man is far riskier than walking in the woods alone

Relative risk of what though. Statistically more men are murdered or physically assaulted, but far fewer men are flashed at, sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, and so many women don’t bother to report that stuff as we take it for granted, that we don’t even know what the true figures are.

Not that many of my male friends have ever been mugged etc, whereas I don’t know any woman who’s never received unwanted male attention full stop.

In the middle of the country there’s not much of it about, it’s different for urban areas.

I am at the number of people that wouldn’t walk alone in a bluebell wood, or wouldn’t ‘let’ a 16 year old do so. She’s 16! No wonder so many teenagers are helpless/don’t communicate openly with their parents/off the rails if this is the level of micromanagement and attempted restriction that they’re subject to!

Fuck me.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think that this post can’t be serious and must have been put up to incite accounts of paranoia and cotton-wool parenting.

Most women live with men perfectly happily. Da and intimate sex offences are the minority.

Relative risk, to a woman, of being raped or murdered.

My reading of the OP and the thread is that that is the underlying fear under discussion.

But I’m perfectly safe with my DH, it’s strangers and acquaintances that have caused me problems.

JoinTheMicrodots
The OP was asking for advice about a situation that made her uneasy.
No conspiracy theory

Yep you’re parents were not great

That's so insulting. TheInvestigator sounds to me like she was brought up brilliantly. I wish my parents had supported me more about cooking and budgeting and education.

I don’t think it is just about rape and murder, that’s not very likely, unwanted attention is more likely in general. Not so much in the country other than down the pub.