To not want daughter going to a wood by herself?

[Vellia]

Dd is 16. We live in a town with lots of countryside/footpaths at close proximity. About a 15 minute walk away from our house, you get to the edge of some farmers’ fields. If you walk down the side of one of these you find yourself in a lovely small wood. At the moment the bluebells are out and it’s absolutely magical.

Over Easter, dd and I have gone for a walk in this wood most mornings before she starts revising (I work in a school so have school holidays off). But in a few weeks’ time she’ll be off school on pre-GCSE study leave while I’ll be working.

She’s said in passing that she’s going to go for a walk in the woods at the start of each day to get herself in the right frame of mind for revision.

I feel rather uncomfortable about this as the wood is a significant distance away from the road & any houses. Definitely out of ear-shot. And the wood is never very busy - we rarely bump into more than one or two people, mostly dog walkers; often it’s entirely empty apart from us.

AIBU to think it would be unwise for dd to go walking there by herself? Would I be unreasonable to tell her she can’t?

Ravenmum I was responding to your post just now:

Fair enough if you think it's being overprotective, you're welcome to say that, but the comments saying that it's because of... being irrational and... are just plain rude.

It is not rude to say the people are irrational. We are. How we deal with it is the interesting thing.

No, saying "We are all irrational" is not rude. I agree with that, and wasn't talking about that.

Just dipped back in at the end and suprised to see a posters real life traumatic, terrifying incident as a teen being used as an exercise in intellectually wankery.

Sorry for what that man did raven, we had creepy men in bushes all over the place here, fortunately not quite as bad as that, we all just got flashed at and wanked at a fair bit.

Of course our experiences shape us, and inform where we feel safe, unsafe etc

So pleased that some posters find all that so terribly interesting :/

Agreed. Unpleasant.

YANBU. I've met two women in my life who were assaulted walking through woods in very 'safe, quiet' rural areas. One was 14 & taking a shortcut home after a school club & was raped, one was 10, again taking a shortcut, raped & beaten until unconscious. Both their attackers never caught. In my late teens in a quiet rural area a 13yr old French girl on a school exchange/swap went out walking the British family's dog in fields nearby & never returned. She was never found.

menuplant and ravenmum agree with both of you.
I’m not an over protective parent I’m a protective parent as are the majority of parents but I can’t help my experiences as a young child and a teenager. In the first year of secondary school me and my friends were flashed by a man on the way to school. I was cornered by a man on my way home from school with his penis in his hand. I was stopped by a man in a car when I was 12 asking for directions he was masturbating. I was SA by a male family member. I don’t think there’s a pervert on every corner and I don’t limit where I go. However I’m always on my guard. I can sense if a situation is off and I need to leave. I’m teaching my dc to always be aware of their surroundings don’t take unnecessary risks. I think the difference between the risk of being in a car accident and being sexually assaulted are poles apart. I know the damage it’s done to me and many others. I’m probably not even making sense. I won’t stop my dc doing what they want and doing normal everyday things. I just think the dismissive attitudes aren’t helpful

@CSIblonde... WTAF! That is just unbelievable and so dreadfully sad and shows the state of the world today (and always I guess)

No, I'd tell her not to go. However small the risk I wouldn't want mine becoming a statistic.
i don't care if people think I'm overprotective, and remember Ellen Higginbottam may she be at peace. I know her family wished she hadn't walked in the woods. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/sep/14/man-jailed-murdering-student-wigan-mark-buckley-ellen-higginbottom

@RomanyQueen1 there are so many things in life that have a small risk... walking on the pavement near a road, driving in a car... in fact, anything for that matter. Ellen was 18, would you never walk alone in quiet areas? There is a risk in anything we do, even staying in our homes to save us from the risks of outside wouldn't be any good, a fire or gas leak could start at any moment.

I don’t know why people are talking about statistics and fairytales.

Hasn’t it occurred to some people that some women are afraid because of their Actual Lived Experiences?

This idea that it’s ‘rare’ for something to happen when many of us had to live through being harassed, flashed at, aggressively approached, grabbed at and assaulted by men on a very regular basis throughout our teens and twenties is staggering.

I couldn’t give a fuck about statistics. I’ve lived.

Hasn’t it occurred to some people that some women are afraid because of their Actual Lived Experiences?

Yes, but you can't live your life ruled by fear, afraid to go places and do things.
It's not a healthy state to be. Oh, and you (general you) definitely shouldn't be projecting your fears onto your children, you can't stop them from going anywhere when they're older teens and young adults!
You have to learn to let go and let them go places without you however hard that is.

Annie

Of course, I appreciate that, but maybe we are more cautious when something happens in our area.
I can also remember the children murdered or taken who were the same age as my children at the time, that makes you stop and think too.

I get that Lime, totally. I’ve not addressed the OP as I’m a bit on the fence. I don’t think she’s unreasonable to be worried but can see the point about not living your life through fear.

What I’m getting upset about is women, with legitimate fears being told they are drama llamas who have watched too many films and statistics being banded around.

You could have told my twenty year old self that STATISTICALLY I was safe, but my real, LIVED experiences showed me otherwise.

Many women have said this and they are just being minimised. I think that’s pretty crap.

Annie If every time you walked near a road a couple of those cars drove at you and you had to jump out the way or every time you were in a particular house a gas leak occurred you would rightfully become very afraid of the road or the house.

Harassment from men isn’t a ‘rare’ occurrence for a lot of women and having to deal with that alone in a wood is a pretty rational fear.

I don’t think the two things can be compared.

I walk in the woods beside my house most days per week. I have encountered a couple of weirdos but only two in the last 5 years or so. My DH wanted me to stop walking there after the first incident (no assault or anything serious like that, just a guy who appeared to be following me) I was definitely a little nervous after that and still occasionally feel on edge but I told my DH that I refuse to let fear stop me from doing the only form Of exercise I enjoy. I always tell him what trails I’m intending to do and I take my phone and have it in my hand ready to call him in an emergency.

It’s sad that I have to even think about these things. I would feel the same as you OP if it was one of my daughters but even so I don’t think you should discourage her (it will be so good for her, particularly when revising) just make sure she takes as many precautions as possible. Get her to text you when she leaves / when she returns, have her phone in hand, change up her route/times

This idea that it’s ‘rare’ for something to happen when many of us had to live through being harassed, flashed at, aggressively approached, grabbed at and assaulted by men on a very regular basis throughout our teens and twenties is staggering.

We've all been there! But preventing your 16 year old from going out by themselves is still ridiculous. What about when they're 18 and away at university wandering wherever the heck they like? They'll be far more vulnerable then if they've been wrapped in cotton wool by paranoid parents. Because this is all for your peace of mind, it's not being done for their good.

this idea that it’s ‘rare’ for something to happen when many of us had to live through being harassed, flashed at, aggressively approached, grabbed at and assaulted by men on a very regular basis throughout our teens and twenties is staggering.

It is rare overall though. I've lived that too.

We've all been there! But preventing your 16 year old from going out by themselves is still ridiculous

Not a good idea? Yes
Misguided? Probably.
Understandable? Yes

Ridiculous? No. And I don’t think any mother worrying about their daughter is deserving of ridicule.

It’s not rare ‘overall’ if it happens daily though is it? Stranger rape might be rare but if she’s between 12 and 25 there is a good chance she will be on the receiving end of harassment every damn day. It’s not unnatural for a mother to be fearful of that.

As I have said a couple of times now I’m NOT saying she should stop her from going that wasn’t my point.

As I have said a couple of times now I’m NOT saying she should stop her from going that wasn’t my point

There was a poster earlier in the thread who said it just wasn't worth the risk women going out by themselves.
Did they ever come back to clarify whether they were being sarcastic or not like some posters said they must be?
Because if it was me who people were thinking I was being serious after saying that I'd be putting them straight! Apologies if I missed the post where they did come back)

Did they ever come back to clarify whether they were being sarcastic or not like some posters said they must be?

I saw that and no they didn’t come back. But I thought the second part of their post made it clear they were being sarcastic. Just my take on it of course.

Sadly there are some people that think like this but even more sadly, there are lots of women who do feel like this to a greater or lesser extent about their own lives.

I think my husband is privileged insofar as he can go out with his mates, have a drink and walk home. I know legally I have the same right to do so, but I absolutely wouldn’t.

I think my husband is privileged insofar as he can go out with his mates, have a drink and walk home. I know legally I have the same right to do so, but I absolutely wouldn’t

What, at all? Even if it was a built up area in the evening and only a mile or so home?
If you lived in the middle of some gangland turf wars thang then fair enough, but just every day walking out by yourself in the evening I would.
You know your area I suppose and if it's a very bad one you would feel wary.
If it's just you feel scared to walk alone though wherever you are I can't fathom that.

This idea that it’s ‘rare’ for something to happen when many of us had to live through being harassed, flashed at, aggressively approached, grabbed at and assaulted by men on a very regular basis throughout our teens and twenties is staggering.

Yes, but this often happens in well-frequented public places -- streets, bars, public transport, our friends' houses, in our family homes. I was sexually assaulted aged nine in the geriatric ward of a hospital. I've been flashed out running on main roads in central London (and once while standing talking with a friend to a policeman she knew!) and groped on a crowded tube. A guy out with a group of men once hit me hard on the side of the head as I walked past him in on a street Oxford. I could go on. We all have these stories.

I grew up in the country, and have spent a lot of time in my adult life walking in fairly remote country areas I currently walk daily in fields and woods where I almost never see another person and these things have never happened to me in a wood or field. Mainly because of the total absence of other people, and the fact that an assailant would have to walk a long way to get there as there's no vehicular access, and the chances of encountering anyone to flash would be slim to none.

I can appreciate that this is entirely different to a suburban wood, or an urban green area, which is easy to get to and away from, may be used as short cut, and which may offer a secluded place to attack/flash/harass someone and people are right to be cautious of those but as the OP doesn't specify where the wood her daughter wants to walk in is, we'll never know.

I think people are displacing their sense of risk and their understandable fury at the vulnerability of girls and women onto things that are in fact far less risky than simply being female and engaging in normal social life, going on public transport etc.

Ah no lime I just meant at night after having a skinful. If I was fairly drunk and it was dark then no I wouldn’t. I also wouldn’t go for a walk alone in a wood.

However, I WOULD allow my daughter to go to a field / wood wherever. In fact we moved from a horrid area in 2015 to a lovely safe one so my girls could experience more freedom and I hope I don’t push my worries onto them as they get older.

But a walk home alone at night, even in my safer area, hmmm probably not. I think it’s a privilege that men don’t even have to weigh these things up.

Yep- exactly what @TheBulb said.

I've never had any issues in rural areas - town or city parks are another matter.