To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

I wouldn’t be happy. As I said earlier, i’d be one of the twitchy tendency. But I think it was the best available option.

I dont disagree with what MIL did and i do think she was trying to do op a favour. I think she was irresponsible in how she went about it though. Not giving the address is whats unforgivable. I would be furious if it was a purposeful deception though.

I definitely wouldn't be happy, but my reaction would depend a lot on how the MIL normally is- if this is a one off serious error of judgement then I wouldn't permanently damage the relationship.

I wonder if she realised she's simply too tired to take all the kids back on the train, but was too proud to admit it?

But we don’t know that she said something along the lines of “ no I’m refusing to give you the address because you’re not coming to get her” or “ no don’t worry you’re not well enough to drive all this way” though.

It seems like the MIL had good intentions in taking the child out for the day to give the OP a break and the other SIL wasn’t bothered by this ( but then her dc are older ) so to me this could be that MIL is usually fair and not one for playing games and she overstepped the mark on this occasion.

In the OPs shoes I’d talk to her about any future outings and make it clear that this will not happen again and insist she agrees.

You are not allowed to criticise a MIL on here without people starting to go on about the 'anti-mil brigade. Despite the fact that whoever the extended family member, and whichever side of the family they are on, you do not take a child for a sleepover without the parents permission, and you do not refuse to tell a parent where their child is.

Some people on MN seem so desperate for a break from their DC that they are willing to put up with any amount of bad behaviour and boundary stomping.

Whether DD was safe and happy or not is questionable. We don't know if DD is the sort of baby who would sleep well in strange surroundings without her favourite toy etc. (my DS1 would not have been), we don't know if there were safe sleeping arrangements ( a cot or a bed with a safety bar, a sleeping bag or blanket rather than a duvet), we don't know if (in this area where the last train leaves at half 4 on a Saturday) there was a supermarket within walking distance for nappies and clean clothes.

MIL was someone OP trusted with her DD and now can no longer trust her. She knows that MIL has no respect for her as a parent and will do whatever she wants with DD. I would not let someone look after my child again once they had proven themselves untrustworthy.

Just to add: my MIL would never do this, she rarely babysits as she has a busy social life but she follows what I ask exactly when she does. My mum I've had several arguments with about safety ("we never used car seats and you're all fine!") and now she is apparently confused why I'm not using her as childcare for DS2 when I return to work!

Youknowmedontyou why are you so uptight on my comments?
What does it matter whether I say our child or my child, I'm with my child 24/7 where as her daddy isn't around all day and is out most evenings a week so yes I will decide if she has my child or not and I'm saying no she doesn't because I can't trust her!!
But because you are so concerned about this matter me and my other half have had very detailed conversations about his mum having dc and we have both decided she can't be trusted!! There does that make you feel better? 😂

Oh and just incase your concerned I'm having a mil bashing moment, I'm not!! If anyone did what op mil has done they wouldn't have my child again!

Its like the mum version of being a "cool wife" isnt it

I think that’s it, isn’t it? “Oh I’d be ecstatic if I had no idea where my child was! Gin o’clock! Spa day! I often mislay them anyway”

It sounds to me like MIL planned this. My DS is just a few months younger; I would be angry if anybody tried to keep him away from me overnight (or at all) and I'd be raging if they didn't tell me where they were to collect him. I'd have kept calling for the address and threatened the police if someone tried to withhold my child, it's frightening to think of not knowing where he is. Luckily my MIL would be the last person to do this, but it's really shocking. I think sometimes mums of older children simply forget the primal protective instincts when our DC are so young.

Sly way of doing it but her heart was in the right place, and it allowed you to get some much needed sleep and a child free night. You don’t get too many of those.

Make up with MIL and get some more time off if she is happy to do so.

No more trips with Grandma. This was totally planned and deceptive.

She could have offered an overnight / asked. That would be one thing (and many mums would be grateful for) effectively kidnapping your child and trying to make you feel bad about it.

Youknowmedontyou why are you so uptight on my comments?
What does it matter whether I say our child or my child, I'm with my child 24/7 where as her daddy isn't around all day and is out most evenings a week so yes I will decide if she has my child or not and I'm saying no she doesn't because I can't trust her!!

Because her Daddy is out all day providing an income to feed her, why he is out most evenings I don't know that's very odd. But she is not your child alone and he is no less her father, it's "our" child not yours, you do not have the right to make all parenting decisions.

Why is everyone so sure that this was a deliberate deception by the MIL though? Why do so many of you jump to the conclusion that she missed her train on purpose or even more bizarrely had it planned before they even set off? Why would she take 3 young children, without clothing or even nappies on a planned overnight stay?

And how does someone (who for all we know, genuinely thought was doing the OP a favour by giving her some alone time) go from being a thoughtful MIL to a drunken, kidnapper with paedophile friends?

The level of paranoia and nasty judgement based on 20% of a story here is ridiculous.

@AllTheFours44 you are spot on! It's bloody ridiculous the drama and over reaction here! It's like accusing MIL of introducing them to a pedophile ring. It's bloody outrageous. Calls of kidnap and then she calmly brings them bs k less than 24 hours latter!

The only option was that OP drove for four hours whilst suffering morning sickness to collect them. MIL was clearly trying to give OP a rest and had caused an issue by missing the train, so didn't want that.

She was trying to be nice!

@allthefours
I agree with you, the OP didn't ask for address yet everyone is claiming Mil 'refused' to give address. OP went off to bed, surely if you were so worried about your abducted child you would keep ringing back, called Sil for address or wild guess the farm owning pals live on site 🙄
But unless you're a hysterical paranoid mother you are a crap parent; well on MN anyway

And before anyone wades in with the “refusal to disclose her address” bollocks. Again, without hearing the conversation, some of you have labelled the MIL as a nasty “bitch” refusing to give an address as some sort of deliberate deception, rather than consider it might have been a more gentle “no need to come DIL, have a night to chill and I’ll see you in the morning”. I would imagine if the OP had forcefully asked (threatening the police #jesuswept) she would, of course, have given her exact location details.

So many here are so quick to see the bad in others.

Youdontknowmedontyou have you just posted on here for an argument. I never said I make all the decisions!! I said I wouldn't allow anyone to have my kid if I didn't know where my kid was going!! I was agreeing that op is not being unreasonable 🤦🏻‍♀️

@loveheart27 no but I loathe the MY child Mother's, I'm with them 24/7 I make all the decisions, I'm a better parent, I know more mothers on MN! The ones like you! A father is every bit as able to make parenting decisions. You sound like a historical drama mother, not good for any child.

@loveheart27 there is NO evidence that this was premeditated, other than speculation by MNs. Why would MIL want the OP to drive for FOUR hours to deal with her mistake?

@youknowmedontyou seems to be responding to things she wants people to have said rather than what they actually said. Not sure why but yes looking for an argument certainly could be part of it as they do have a very aggressive posting style.

@CarolDanvers this thread is ridiculous, the MIL messed up? So she's accused of deliberately keeping the DC, exposing the child to danger, abduction? Really?

Or just a simple mistake?

I think the way you're posting is ridiculous actually; aggressive and over invested. Hugely extrapolating to the point of actually making up posts in order to justify weighing in on the poster in question. Whatever valid points you may have are negated by this. Have you name changed recently I wonder? Because your belligerent posting style and over reliance on the exclamation mark is very familiar to me...

I wouldn't care why the MIL did it, what her reasons were etc. She has absolutely no right to make these decisions. She doesn't have parental responsibility, the parents do, and it is up to them to decide if the dd stays overnight and where.

I would not trust mil ever again.

@CarolDanvers really? I think your over invested in me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where have I "made up" posts?