To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

@CarolDanvers out of interest why are you "arguing" with me over my posts to others, which are relevant to the OP?

Your posts have no relevance to the IP other than having a pop at me?

Maybe you should stay on topic and not tho k you're the "boss" of the boards and have the right to tell others how to post and comment relevant to the post?

*OP not IP

My posts. I’ve already pointed this out but you conveniently ignored and started harassing another poster instead, again claiming they said something they did not and massively extrapolating their post. Why do you keep doing that by the way? The posts stand so people can see what was really said. I made no comment aimed at you till you started ranting at me. But you know this, you’ve made yourself look foolish and now you’re trying to deflect. If you are who I think you are then this is just your modus operandi and probably best ignored.

Maybe you should stay on topic and not tho k you're the "boss" of the boards and have the right to tell others how to post and comment relevant to the post?

this is hilarious considering your posting history on this thread.

I would have been furious and hated this. I wouldn’t trust her again. It sounds like she kept them on Easter Sunday morning too?

My posts. I’ve already pointed this out but you conveniently ignored and started harassing another poster instead, again claiming they said something they did not and massively extrapolating their post. Why do you keep doing that by the way? The posts stand so people can see what was really said. I made no comment aimed at you till you started ranting at me. But you know this, you’ve made yourself look foolish and now you’re trying to deflect. If you are who I think you are then this is just your modus operandi and probably best ignored.

If you're seeing things as in "if I'm who you think I am" you're spending far too much time on MN and need to get out and get a life!

Jesus Christ you're over invested in a forum and the fact I don't agree with your views. You think I'm "posing" as someone else to "hide" my (already) hidden identity? Why would I? Why would I hide anything? Why can't I just disagree, why would I name change?

Totally drama because I don't think the same way as you?

Ridiculous!

I wouldn't be pleased at all, mainly due to spending the night in someone I don't know's house. Whether it was mil or my own dm makes no odds. I would happily say I'm not comfortable with them sleeping at someone's that I don't know.

To the pp above, report if you think someone is out of order. If you think someone is deliberately looking for a fight, don't give them what they want...

Paying for a taxi for a 2 hour drive or having OP, who is unwell with morning sickness, do a 4 hour round trip are both crazy options when there is a friend nearby happy to put them up. MIL is hale and hearty and loves her grandchild. The friend had a car to drive to an all night supermarket/garage etc for nappies if needed, and no 18 month old ever died from wearing grubby clothes. Poo-soiled vests could be washed and dried at friend’s house. Even the 18month old not sleeping very well in the new place was hardly a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, and at that age she’d Have had a familiar pram/buggy to be wheeled around in to get her to drop off if necessary (before transfer to a low mattress or other safe makeshift bed. )

Yes, I might have been a bit anxious and might have wanted to give detailed instructions but I’d have had MIL on the end if the phone if needed be (being 56 she might even have been capable of Skype or FaceTime).

YABU to think she should have come home after missing the train. I also think that it is dangerous to let others’ suspicions about her having planned it all cloud your judgment.

@JessieMcJessie totally agree, with the exception that the taxi was not a viable option as presumably no car seat was available. Unless of course these are now carried by drivers?

JessieMcJessie

But why was any of that the mil decision?

That is for the OP to decide. It should have been for her, with full knowledge of the situation, to weigh the options and then decide what to do.

If she chose to get a cab there and back to pick up her daughter that is her decision. If she decided that she was well enough to drive - her decision.

It doesn't matter what mil thought was the "best" decision - it wasn't her decision to make.

Taxi companies near us have child seats available, you just request one when you order the cab. Decomposing I do see what you are saying but my point is that OP would have been U to make the decision to put them in a cab or to drive a four hour round trip. In my opinion, which obviously not everyone would agree with.
Was MIL unreasonable to take the decision out of OP’s hands? Possibly. But in my opinion MIL’s practical solution to the problem was the most sensible one, just a shame OP couldn’t see that and got upset.

Really surprised that people don't see the difference between a day trip and keeping a young toddler out overnight in an unfamiliar location with who knows what safety equipment. MIL doesn't even know herself, it's not her house and not a house any of the parties involved is expecting an 18 month old to be sleeping over in. In the day time you're watching them and can see they're safe. At night they need to be left alone so more precautions are needed. In the daytime it's an adventure, at bedtime small children just want familiarity. Also OP was expecting a day trip, has provided anything special baby needs for a day trip and warned MIL about anything specific to this child that might be an issue for a day trip. That doesn't apply for an overnight.

MIL and my parents are extremely competent and lovely. As part of being competent and lovely they knew that overnights are a big deal for children and made sure everything was as familiar as possible including talking to us about what kids needed. For all of us getting baby home to their own bed would be a very high priority in OP's situation.

They brought us up fine is not a good argument, some of the risks that were routinely taken in those days are completely unacceptable today.

And only OP can say if she was fit to drive or not.

I disagree that an 18 month old not spending the night “in their own bed” is a big deal. Yes, they might not sleep as well as usual but it’s not like they have work the next day is it? And a toddler is more robust than a younger baby who might need breast milk etc, or be at higher risk of SIDS.

A break from Aibu, like most of us.

Can’t argue with that @Moralitym1n1

I think a small child getting unnecessarily distressed is to be avoided, yes. And if they keep MIL awake half the night (which a parent might be used to but a GP isn't) you then have a sleep deprived grandparent looking after three young children on the train. But just for the sake of the child not being distressed I'd avoid it. We don't know if they were or not, they'd have cheered up the next morning and an 18 month old is unlikely to remember to tell you they had been sad, MIL is sure as hell not going to tell you if they were.

I guess we all have our own ideas of what constitutes “distress”. In my view spending the night at 18 months old in an unfamiliar place with a close family member may cause a bit of temporary unease or crying but “distress” is putting it far too strongly and is over-protective.

How distressed they may get depends on the child. Again something a parent can judge better than a MIL. DS at 18 months would have been up and down all night and screaming, seriously screaming to the point of making himself sick. DD would have been very upset but settled. You wouldn't have known that from how they were in the day time. And nothing done to reduce any potential distress by checking about routines or getting them to bring familiar things as they'd get in a prepared sleepover. If you can't be protective of a baby when can you be?

I suppose it depress on whether this DD sleeps over at MILs and how often she sees her. If she has never slept away from home and doesn’t see her GM that often then she could have been upset by sleeping out but if she does sleep over and sees a lot of her GM then hopefully she was ok.

Depends*

@JessieMcJessie - it is up to the child's parents to decide whether engineering a situation in which a toddler is crying / potentially crying at night is necessary or not. It is not up to their grandmother to make that decision, nor is it up to you. You can call that "over-protective" as much as you like, but your opinion can be disregarded because it's not your child and none of your business.

MRex if this is none of my business because it is not my child, why did OP post about it in a forum asking for opinions? Presumably those who agree with her don’t attract the same criticism for poking their noses in? If you want to make a counter-argument you are absolutely free to do so but telling people not to comment is rude and ridiculous. Do get over yourself.

@JessieMcJessie - I didn't tell you not to comment, I was just dismissive of your argument because you have missed the question. The question is about whether the MIL was the right person to decide on keeping a child out or not; you've decided it's ok for a child to cry but that isn't relevant to who decides about keeping the child away from home. Unless there's a big and very unexpected drip feed, MIL doesn't have legal guardianship responsibility for this child.

your opinion can be disregarded because it’s not your child

Well, obviously it’s not my child so you if that automatically means my opinion should be disregarded then of course that is the same as saying “you should not comment”

It’s not your child either, so why is your opinion so valid then?

Do be furious that she wouldn't give the address. I wouldn't trust her again.