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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP woman at work...

129 replies

Sotellmewhatyouwant · 23/04/2019 23:51

So Dp works away a lot, often goes abroad to different places with different people.

This one girl who he has gone away with in the past has added him on Facebook and tried to initiate conversation saying how lovely it was to work with him etc.

She is known for trying it on with a lot of the men who she works with.

He is currently away for 8 days, with her, and others.
Now I know I shouldn't have done, (so don't flame me) but I looked on her social media and there are pictures of him that she has put up, by the pool in his swim wear type thing.
I asked him about this, as he had already lied to me the night before about going out for dinner with her and a few others, and he had flown off the handle asking why I'm looking and calling me a stalker and basically a fair few other names (including the C word which is a usual occurrence) 

Whilst I'm sat at home, AIBU to just ask that I don't see pictures of him plastered over social media after her already trying it with him (and him deleting it and lying about it) when she knows I exist?

According to DP - she has done this to get a reaction out of me. (I have never met this woman before and can't see any other reason as to why she would do this)

There are no other pictures of anyone else on this work trip that she has put up, only of him.

He has now ended the relationship while he is away as he feels I'm being completely unreasonable in asking him to just agree that it's a pretty shitty thing to see?

I'm annoyed at the lies that she was there, and about taking her side when he's already admitted that she tried it on last time...

He has now got so mad because I was upset, that he has blocked me on all forms of communication and gone out for drinks with her.

Fully ready to be flames and to be told IABU... 

OP posts:
Original poster
Sotellmewhatyouwant · 25/04/2019 05:40

Last minute farm break away to go and wallow (and drink wine, a lot a lot of wine) has been booked Grin wine,farm animals and walks.. lovely!
He's decided to go on a boys holiday when he gets back (how considerate) so I've told him he can bloody well stay at home and talk to me (where I will end it!) if he can't do that, I'll pack my bags and move home until I can find a place for us to stay. If he does come home at least I'll have shown more morals than he has and be able to properly end it face to face and explain to him exactly why I'll be the one walking, not him. He doesn't get to control this.
Yesterday he told me he would message at 10pm, to discuss me coming out there to talk- instead he went out, got drunk with people on a boat and then decided to text a family member of mine with an angry text because they were concerned about me, two hours after he said he would 🙄
Thank you all for all your support, because I've finally got to the point where now I know I have to leave, and it's actually not that scary any more! WineThanks

OP posts:
QuilliamCakespeare · 25/04/2019 06:03

He's massively overreacted so he can shag her while he's away, guilt free, then you can beg him to have you back when he's home again.

Call his bluff; pack his shit and tell him to get lost.

OffToBedhampton · 25/04/2019 06:07

OP, he's already ended your relationship. You don't 'need to discuss'.

His reaction showed that
she'd put photos of him all over her FB as she's his new girlfriend. And he's been caught. So he then ended your relationship he should have ended first

I'm assuming tenancy is in his name or you'd say he can move & put his bags out. What you need to do is put notice in on any bills you are paying. Find yourself a nice place with dog. Pack up your & ddog's stuff and move asap. Send him away with the boys, what does it matter what he does? Don't give him time of the day. Just make sure your wages go into your account or move them out into your account now, and you're ready to go asap.

Oh and you can OLD now. You're on a break 😁 And I hope that break is got good. You've wasted 4 years of your dating life with a lowlife that cheats on you, calls you a c**t and gaslights you when caught out. He's not someone who'd be supportive and loving, in that wonderful marriage for life, that you hoped he'd be, so get clear now and find the someone who is.

strawberrisc · 25/04/2019 06:22

This is Mumsnet. I’m shocked nobody has mentioned the G word yet!

Seriously if you take him back you’ll be constantly on edge, looking over your shoulder every time he goes away. That’s no way to live.

jackio2205 · 25/04/2019 06:22

You can't reason with unreasonable people and he is doing everything in his power to push you. I don't think you're going to get answers you're looking for, he's already lied, turned it around on you, missed his window to talk to you, i'd cut my losses personally, I really wouldn't give him more opportunity to add insult to injury.
Wouldn't blame her either, she's not some 'she devil', just a woman and she doesn't know you, he's a grown man and is more than capable of making his own decisions and he's the one f**king up here.
Love the sound of your trip, you go have fun hun! Don't overthink this situ, its simple, he's an egotistical, spiteful and selfish man that is cowardly ending his relationship, he'll never learn, unfortunately for him he'll never be satisfied, fortunately for you you can comprehend what he's doing and move on xxxx

strawberrisc · 25/04/2019 06:26

My mistake. Two have!

If I were you I wouldn’t bother seeing him face to face. Be dignified and act like you’re not arsed. Block him back (if you can) so that when he fancies wheedling his way back he won’t be able to.

Get out before he fights you for the dog.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 25/04/2019 06:27

Air line pilot I’m guessing. Flowers

MetroFly · 25/04/2019 06:33

He's cheating on you, dumped you over the phone after 4 years and you 'Want to end it face to face' Confused

There's nothing to end, it's done. But I do suspect OP you are hoping he begs for forgiveness and I think you'd give it to him.

Hope I'm wrong though.

Thistownaintbigenough · 25/04/2019 06:35

How old are you op... would you consider going into a house share or lodger for the short term?

Cherrysoup · 25/04/2019 06:49

Ugh, he's an idiot, please do get rid.

Cheby · 25/04/2019 06:57

Get rid OP. He’s dreadful.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 25/04/2019 07:09

You can't end it, OP, he has already ended it. Retain some dignity, either use the time when he is away to find yourself somewhere else to go or to pack up his stuff and have him out on his ear depending on your living situation.

There is nothing to discuss, he's fucking someone else. End of story.

SuziQ10 · 25/04/2019 07:25

He's off sh**ing this OW.
Do you really need to have a full conversation with him when he gets home? It doesn't sound like he wants to, and it makes you sound less in control.
Just leave. He's been cheating on you.

Fiveredbricks · 25/04/2019 07:27

You dont need to 'end things properly' Confused he's already dumped you, love.

Just pack his shit up or your shit up and leave. There is no higher moral ground to be had in this one. He wanted it to be over and made that clear.

Walk out with your head high.

FritataPatate · 25/04/2019 07:34

Walk out with your head high.
This.
Flowers Wine

DointItForTheKids · 25/04/2019 07:54

Walk out, don't speak to him during, after, or ever. Look happy doing it (because you are; his cheating is a gift - a gift of you not wasting years more of your life, a gift of enabling you to set off into something new and positive and different and fulfilling). Be happy (as odd as it may seem) about it.

That's WAY more powerful than any 'end of relationship conversation'.

OffToBedhampton · 25/04/2019 09:18

Agree with the last few PPs

ScreamScreamIceCream · 25/04/2019 09:22

OP he's your ex not your DP and you are good rid of him.

If you can't trust him due to his behaviour you have saved yourself years of stress.

Go find someone who treats you better and you trust so you don't have to look at their social media.

gamerchick · 25/04/2019 09:24

According to DP - she has done this to get a reaction out of me. (I have never met this woman before and can't see any other reason as to why she would do this)

See as soon as these words left his mouth should have told you everything you needed to know about this man.

He doesn't and will never have your back. He will throw you crumbs but that's all.

OffToBedhampton · 25/04/2019 09:30

@strawberrisc
Yes, I used G word as PPs had, referring to how he tried to reframe her genuine concern as she was BU and the OW was obsessed with him but OP is a c**t etc. So he was finishing with her due to her behaviour 🙄When her behaviour was normal and he's clearly got 2 girlfriends.

Whatever word is used to describe that level of lying, emotional abuse and manipulation doesn't really matter.
We all hope OP is reassured that his reaction was one of a man caught out not an innocent decent partner.

TeddybearBaby · 25/04/2019 09:51

I’d love it if you were all packed up and gone when he got back. He would be so shocked. He clearly thinks he’s holding all the cards here. I’d take that notion away straight away. No more contact. Bye 👋🏼 fool, I’d forgotten about you the minute you disrespected me. I know that’s easier said than done but that’s my fantasy!

Don’t feel bad or take it personably that he’s shown how nasty he is. Says everything about him and nothing about you x

Erythronium · 25/04/2019 11:22

Don't get into a tug of war over who gets to finish it. That keeps you tied up with him when you need to let it go.

He got there first and he finished it, but what you need to think is that he did you a favour, the one good thing he's done for you in all this. Walk away. Do you really want to give him another chance to call you the c-word? Or blame this all on you? Protect yourself and let it be. You're worth more than a petty battle for control.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 11:23

OP sounds like you're going to take him back tbh

idontknowmyusername · 25/04/2019 11:24

Why do you want to discuss it? He's just going to gaslight you and twist it all around. I'd get way more satisfaction being packed and gone when he returns, never to see my amazing face again. He could fuck right off with the c word too. I'd have dumped him for that alone.

idontknowmyusername · 25/04/2019 11:26

And op you won't have any moral high ground by being there to talk. He 100% expects you to be there, because at this point he knows he can treat you like shit and guess what - you will still be there.

You're better than this.

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