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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my sister is batshit

163 replies

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 16:22

Younger sister, good relationship and quite close, not as much over the last couple of years though - she isn't as available with work / life etc.

When I had my daughter she was very excited to be aunt - she overstepped occasionally, calling in unannounced and daily and announcing birth on Facebook before I had chance to tell family... But I let it go as was pleased she was excited. This lasted around 4 months, then she lost interest.

She now sees DD at family gatherings, takes very little interest and has said she does not want children of her own. She never asks after her and seems frustrated with her after a short time. It upsets me as DD loves her aunt and is not naughty, just normal with lots of energy.

Sister is married and they both say that they never want a family and I know this to be true (so it's not down to fertility issues) as I took her to get map once last year and she wants to get sterilised. Despite this I still thought/hoped that she was pleased to be an aunt.

She has 2 dogs that she dotes on and sends me lots of messages/pictures of them (I don't do this with DD as she doesn't seem interested and I do t want to be a baby bore to her) I'm not really a dog person but feign interest and always ask after them and get them little doggy treats/toys if I visit.

Previously with birthdays she has dropped a present over and wished DD happy birthday. This year (5th,) nothing. I messaged her about a week after asking how she was, didn't mention birthday as assumed she had forgotten and didn't want to make her feel bad. She replied she was fine, and asked if DD had a good birthday, so hadn't forgotten. I replied she had and would love to see her aunt. She responded, "well bear in mind I won't have a present for DD, you didn't get -Dog1- or -Dog2- a birthday gift so we won't be doing birthday gifts either."

To be clear, I am very generous at Christmas and birthdays with her and her husband and am aware she has an extra person to buy return gifts for so go a little extra for them. (I have said not to bother buying for me and DH) and I have never done birthday presents for the dogs... Never occurred to me and wouldn't even know when their birthdays are.

DH says sister has lost the plot, I'm inclined to agree. Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated.

I haven't replied to sister. Don't even know what to say!

OP posts:
pinkgloves · 24/04/2019 02:44

She deliberately didn't get your 5 year old a present?

What a spiteful bitch. I wouldn't want anything more to do with her.

Margot33 · 24/04/2019 02:53

Just text back, "ok no worries, we 'll stop pressies for Christmas and bifthdays between us x" That puts an end to all gifts now. Unfortunately you can't make her care although it's hurtful. It's the same for me with my siblings, people are too self absorbed.

mathanxiety · 24/04/2019 03:53

I would worry that her partner has had a hand in her aloofness and her change of heart toward children.

Is he controlling? Does she have to answer to him about expenditure? Do you sense anger there under the surface? Have you ever noticed anything between them that made you wonder if everything was ok?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 24/04/2019 05:10

I think you should ring her or meet up and talk about it.

I would be a bit worried about my sister if this happened all of a sudden.

You don't have to be accusatory or defensive. Just ask what her side is and work from there.

Snog · 24/04/2019 07:21

I would say when are the dogs' birthdays, why didn't you tell me? And what would they like?
Then buy them presents.
Your DSIS seems upset, just give her what she wants.
Is it unreasonable and batshit? Definitely yes, but I would indulge her in a kind way and see what happens.

Lizzie48 · 24/04/2019 07:49

I agree with some PPs that this is very odd behaviour, as she used to be very enthusiastic about your DD. Is it possible that she’s developing a MH disorder?

And yes, maybe she’s in a controlling relationship? I didn’t know that my DSis’s marriage was abusive until she told me about it either.

KittyInTheCradle · 24/04/2019 08:50

Sounds narcissistic to me

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/04/2019 12:35

I earlier suggested your sister might have issues of her own, but failed to mention that this is no excuse. I heavily despise passive-aggressives for being utter cowards who are unable to state openly what their issues are, and therefore resort to making the 'grand gesture'.

My DC's aunt has started ignoring birthdays too, as there's been an evident division in the family following an acrimonious funeral. We have sent her DC birthday presents for years - they are now both teenagers - and have never received as much as a thank-you note.

When grown adults start making innocent children the butt of their angst with their parents, it's time to protect the children from those spiteful, immature adults. For us, NC has been a long time coming with this particular 'aunt'. Privately, I'm delighted.

SometimesIGetNervous · 24/04/2019 12:42

I would cut back on the very generous presents for her and her DH.

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 16:32

Small update:
Spoke to my mum today, she saw sister over Easter and my mum said she was behaving quite aggressively, like she was looking for a fight. One of the comments she made was that my mum has several pictures of my DD on display but only two of her and that it was hurtful to sister. 🙄

Mum thinks that the issue is that she was the baby of the family and got lots of attention and everyone made allowances for her because she was young and that DD has "stolen" her limelight and role as "baby". For context sister is 27!!

I asked mum if she knew anything about her decision to not have children herself and she said that sister refers to children as messy, yukky, social life ruining, figure ruining etc... Mum also confessed that over the years sister has referred to my DD as "the brat". I think mum is finally telling me because it's all coming to a head now so there is no point trying to spare my feeling any longer.

So it seems her jealousy and loathing of my child has been festering for years...
I'm a mixture of angry, speechless, hurt... The lioness in me is ready to charge but that probably isn't the best solution.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 16:35

Oh dear, your moms explanation makes sense in a warped kind of way. Your sister needs to grow the fuck up and I would be avoiding her like the plague after how she's spoken about my child if I were you OP

MachineBee · 24/04/2019 16:39

I agree that some distance will help. Do it quietly without drama.

Your DSis may eventually realise what she’s lost - or not - but better to keep her away from your DD now before any greater attachment develops.

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 16:39

I need to be careful as I don't want my mum to get the brunt of it all and she will if I reveal what I know.
I hadn't responded to the dog birthday message and will not be attempting to contact her for the foreseeable. How can a grown adult be jealous of a child, their niece no less!?! I am so disappointed in my sister...

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 16:41

I'd say don't reply to that and your DS contacts you asking what's up with you tell her you don't appreciate your daughter being compared to a dog....... keeps your mom out of trouble but gets your point across

StCharlotte · 24/04/2019 16:52

I asked mum if she knew anything about her decision to not have children herself and she said that sister refers to children as messy, yukky, social life ruining, figure ruining etc... Mum also confessed that over the years sister has referred to my DD as "the brat".

As an aside, the last person I heard talk about children like that turned out to be on her third round of IVF...

But clearly her baby princess nose has been put right out of joint and she's seething with jealousy. Sadly, she will lose out and will only have herself to blame. Silly girl.

M4J4 · 24/04/2019 16:53

She's pathetic to be jealous of a child. I guess she enjoyed the first few months of being an aunt when your dd couldn't walk or talk, but now that your dd is developing her personality your sister feels usurped. Totally pathetic.

Please stop the presents! It would stick in my craw to give sis/bil anything.

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 16:54

I don't expect her to adore DD like I do, but it seems she barely likes her, if at all. She is such a sweet little girl, I know I'm biased, I get that she is very active and full of it but she isn't nasty or anything and isn't spoilt or whiny...

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 16:56

It's not about that though clearly OP, by what your DM says, it's to do with your DS and her being jealous she's not the baby anymore, the fact that your DD is so sweet probably makes it even worse for your DS

OoohAyyye · 24/04/2019 17:04

She sounds like the brat OP, not your DD!
I hope your mum pulls her up on her choice of words... although I get the impression your mum might choose not to for an easy life?

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 17:05

I think mum tells her not to but sister acts like it's a joke...

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 24/04/2019 17:14

I reckon she found you a crashing bore about your baby (as we all are!) and got tired of talking about DD all the time, hence losing interest.

She doesn't realise that this is normal behaviour for a loving parent.

She is trying to make a point by making an over-the-top fuss over something of hers, she thinks this will "show" you that you are being silly by making your life (& therefore the rest of the family's lives to a certain extent) revolve around your DD.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 24/04/2019 17:14

This thread coming soon to a daily rag near you soon.....

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 18:09

@ThatssomebadhatHarry
God I hope not! But if any lazy journalists are planning I hope they quote this:
My sister might be a brat but if lazy journalists want to use this as a non-story it's fine because my sister is batshit but not stupid, and wouldn't read shit such as the daily mail etc!

OP posts:
M4J4 · 24/04/2019 19:11

@BalloonSlayer

I reckon she found you a crashing bore about your baby (as we all are!) and got tired of talking about DD all the time, hence losing interest.

What a horrible thing to say.

She is trying to make a point by making an over-the-top fuss over something of hers, she thinks this will "show" you that you are being silly by making your life (& therefore the rest of the family's lives to a certain extent) revolve around your DD.

How has OP made her and the family's lives revolve around her DD? Hmm

What a sly, mean post.

Original poster
CaptainJaneway12 · 24/04/2019 19:45

Thanks @M4J4
I have always been aware that sister doesn't have children so won't want to talk about them and since she said she didn't want a family make an effort to see her every month child free. As I said, she sends me pics of the dog regularly but I don't send pics of DD - maybe first day at school, Christmas but probably 1:10 ratio between DD and dogs. We speak about her interests most of the time, we always did. I'd like to think I am sensitive to others and have understood that while I adore DD I don't expect everyone to adore her as much as I, her mum, does. I can see how her energy can be overwhelming to those not used to a five year old kid and joke about it and try to be a rounded person. Sister really only sees DD at family events nowadays and generally is over the top excited for around ten minutes and then gets bored of her and virtually ignores her. This is confusing for DD as aunty hugs her, throws her around and then switches off completely.

OP posts: