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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister is batshit

163 replies

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 16:22

Younger sister, good relationship and quite close, not as much over the last couple of years though - she isn't as available with work / life etc.

When I had my daughter she was very excited to be aunt - she overstepped occasionally, calling in unannounced and daily and announcing birth on Facebook before I had chance to tell family... But I let it go as was pleased she was excited. This lasted around 4 months, then she lost interest.

She now sees DD at family gatherings, takes very little interest and has said she does not want children of her own. She never asks after her and seems frustrated with her after a short time. It upsets me as DD loves her aunt and is not naughty, just normal with lots of energy.

Sister is married and they both say that they never want a family and I know this to be true (so it's not down to fertility issues) as I took her to get map once last year and she wants to get sterilised. Despite this I still thought/hoped that she was pleased to be an aunt.

She has 2 dogs that she dotes on and sends me lots of messages/pictures of them (I don't do this with DD as she doesn't seem interested and I do t want to be a baby bore to her) I'm not really a dog person but feign interest and always ask after them and get them little doggy treats/toys if I visit.

Previously with birthdays she has dropped a present over and wished DD happy birthday. This year (5th,) nothing. I messaged her about a week after asking how she was, didn't mention birthday as assumed she had forgotten and didn't want to make her feel bad. She replied she was fine, and asked if DD had a good birthday, so hadn't forgotten. I replied she had and would love to see her aunt. She responded, "well bear in mind I won't have a present for DD, you didn't get -Dog1- or -Dog2- a birthday gift so we won't be doing birthday gifts either."

To be clear, I am very generous at Christmas and birthdays with her and her husband and am aware she has an extra person to buy return gifts for so go a little extra for them. (I have said not to bother buying for me and DH) and I have never done birthday presents for the dogs... Never occurred to me and wouldn't even know when their birthdays are.

DH says sister has lost the plot, I'm inclined to agree. Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated.

I haven't replied to sister. Don't even know what to say!

OP posts:

gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/04/2019 18:19

I'd message my sister, "So sorry! Fifi and Rover never mentioned their birthdays were coming up the last time I saw them!"

EleanorLavish · 23/04/2019 18:23

I can understand you wanting to avoid a row,OP. But this kind of thing breeds simmering resentment. And that pot of simmering resentment is going to boil over one day...rightly so too.
She is extremely rude and bloody deluded!

QueenBeex · 23/04/2019 18:24

@gottastopeatingchocolate 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

NotStayingIn · 23/04/2019 18:33

Wow, that is very odd!

As tempting (and justified) as it is I wouldn’t minimise her feelings by saying anything negative about the dogs. God knows what is going on there.

I think the very first poster had it spot on, focus on letting her know that her niece might get hurt by it and surely she wouldn’t want that.

Chloemol · 23/04/2019 18:33

I would just respond along the lines of sorry I didn’t get the dogs a present, no idea when their birthdays are and you’ve never not bought until now. Been thinking that perhaps it’s time to stop buying Christmas and birthday pressies for each other now. Then I would use that money on your child

Cornettoninja · 23/04/2019 18:35

I think your approach is probably best right now but I have a feeling your dsis isn’t going to drop this stance now she’s taken it and it’ll just crop back up at the next ‘event’ - maybe Christmas?

I think you may have to make it clear at the next natural point presents might be exchanged that you want to put an end to gifts/cards. she clearly feels put out about it and you would hate anyone to feel obliged to you. It would just be weird if she bought you a birthday or Christmas gift/card but not your daughter. Best to just leave it altogether to be honest.

I would still want to tell her that fur babies are strictly mums and dads only, it is not a normal societal expectation to extend that to aunts/uncles/godparents.

I understand you feel sad for your daughter but she won’t give it more than a passing thought really. I grew up with lots of aunts and uncles in another country and didn’t hear diddly squat from them. As much as I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her extended family, I know for a fact you don’t miss what you don’t have.

Original poster

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 18:45

@gottastopeatingchocolate
Love that, made me smile, thank you! Gold!

OP posts:

RevealTheLegend · 23/04/2019 18:50

How about

‘Well I would get a present but the ungrateful bastards (bitches?) never sent me a thank you card‘

rosevioletlily · 23/04/2019 18:54

She’s nutty and so rude!!! Dogs are not the same as children. Those dogs aren’t your nieces/nephews. You seem entirely reasonable OP especially acknowledging that they have an extra person to buy for at Christmas so you try and go a bit extra for them. That would really piss me off

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 23/04/2019 18:55

Or sounds like she can't have kids, for whatever reason, and is struggling to come to terms with it. Hence distancing herself from yours, and for now insisting her dogs are the equivalent.

A compassionate conversation might be a good starting point - if she then carries on being odd, that's a different matter. I'd give her the benefit of doubt for now.

Nomorepies · 23/04/2019 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

qazxc · 23/04/2019 18:57

She's batshit but there's no point in having it out with her.
Before Christmas just say" let's not do presents". Spend money you'd have spent on them on DD. DD will adjust to the fact that batshit auntie does not do presents.

EvaHarknessRose · 23/04/2019 18:59

Did she swoop in when dd was born so she could still be centre of attention, and then didn’t like not being the focus as time went on?

nauseous5000 · 23/04/2019 18:59

Have you posted about this before? I have mega deja by

whitesoxx · 23/04/2019 19:01

Barking mad (literally). Birthday presents for dogs? Ffs

Cherrysoup · 23/04/2019 19:02

Dogs are not the same as children. She’s being ridiculous. Why has she decided now is the time to stop buying presents when you’ve never got the dogs any?

I adore my dogs, but I couldn’t tell you their birthday!

RockinHippy · 23/04/2019 19:03

&Captain

I think DD made her realise kids aren't accessories or dolls and it put her off.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

This reminded me of my SIL when DD was tiny & this was exactly it. DD was fine as a quiet pretty accessory so that SIL could take her out with her friends who did have DCs. The minute DD had an opinion of her own though, she was mostly dropped like a hot brick l. SIL is also childless by choice.

Original poster

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 19:09

Never posted before about this, first time it's been an issue.
I was disappointed that she wasn't that interested in DD before, but this is the first time she has been put on par with the dogs... 😑

OP posts:

Original poster

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 19:12

@EvaHarknessRose
Yes she did! I'm not on sm but my DH is and she was posting about being excited about being an aunt, as I said before she announced birth before I had told people that mattered, posted lots of pics of her holding baby...
Then 4 months hit and it wanted off to very little. Then snide remarks about kids, about them being a tie, and generally dismissive... Now this.

OP posts:

Original poster

CaptainJaneway12 · 23/04/2019 19:12

*waned

OP posts:

Unicornshopkeeper · 23/04/2019 19:17

I've also definitely read this before

Slightly scary to think that there's two of them

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/04/2019 19:21

Yes, her recent behaviour does sound batshit. But it's so off the wall it does raise the question of whether there's a piece of the picture you are not seeing here, OP. It's true some people are just hopeless, but in a sister with whom you previously had a good relationship the symptoms would probably have manifested themselves long before now.

Your DC comes first, and you're right to keep your distance and protect her from feeling rejected by a close family member. Cutting your sister out of your life sounds very drastic, but I'd certainly be keeping her at arm's length as long as she keeps up this kind of attitude.

I'd be out of patience with her too.

Moralitym1n1 · 23/04/2019 19:23

she announced birth before I had told people that mattered

The above and the dog/birthday present thing ...

No, no, no.

Distance yourself gently and quietly. Do whatever you need to gently discourage your dad's interest/excitement about her.

This kind of crazy doesn't go away and often gets even worse with age.

I really really hope she doesn't have kids if he'd own

Moralitym1n1 · 23/04/2019 19:24

*dd

Moralitym1n1 · 23/04/2019 19:24

of her own

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