To think my sister is batshit

[CaptainJaneway12]

Younger sister, good relationship and quite close, not as much over the last couple of years though - she isn't as available with work / life etc.

When I had my daughter she was very excited to be aunt - she overstepped occasionally, calling in unannounced and daily and announcing birth on Facebook before I had chance to tell family... But I let it go as was pleased she was excited. This lasted around 4 months, then she lost interest.

She now sees DD at family gatherings, takes very little interest and has said she does not want children of her own. She never asks after her and seems frustrated with her after a short time. It upsets me as DD loves her aunt and is not naughty, just normal with lots of energy.

Sister is married and they both say that they never want a family and I know this to be true (so it's not down to fertility issues) as I took her to get map once last year and she wants to get sterilised. Despite this I still thought/hoped that she was pleased to be an aunt.

She has 2 dogs that she dotes on and sends me lots of messages/pictures of them (I don't do this with DD as she doesn't seem interested and I do t want to be a baby bore to her) I'm not really a dog person but feign interest and always ask after them and get them little doggy treats/toys if I visit.

Previously with birthdays she has dropped a present over and wished DD happy birthday. This year (5th,) nothing. I messaged her about a week after asking how she was, didn't mention birthday as assumed she had forgotten and didn't want to make her feel bad. She replied she was fine, and asked if DD had a good birthday, so hadn't forgotten. I replied she had and would love to see her aunt. She responded, "well bear in mind I won't have a present for DD, you didn't get -Dog1- or -Dog2- a birthday gift so we won't be doing birthday gifts either."

To be clear, I am very generous at Christmas and birthdays with her and her husband and am aware she has an extra person to buy return gifts for so go a little extra for them. (I have said not to bother buying for me and DH) and I have never done birthday presents for the dogs... Never occurred to me and wouldn't even know when their birthdays are.

DH says sister has lost the plot, I'm inclined to agree. Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated.

I haven't replied to sister. Don't even know what to say!

YANBU
Your sister is batshit crazy.

She clearly wants the drama. Don't give it to her. I'd message with "That's fine, no worries." And I'd never contact her voluntarily again.

Are you sure it wasn't a joke that was worded badly? It's hard to get the inclination in a message sometimes. What's her sense of humour like?

There definitely more than two of them, DH works with at least two people like this (they bring their dogs into the office, expect the dogs to be treated like equal coworkers).

"Oh I'm so sorry! The dogs must've been so disappointed! I wish they'd said something. Was there something in particular they really wanted? A transformer or a Barbie doll? Or a trip to chessington? Did they have a party? Maybe I could take them to soft play to make up for it?

What did I just read?! I cannot believe you're comparing your pets to my child?! Are you joking??"

... is more along the lines of my response. I wouldn't ignore this. She needs a wake up call. Your poor dd.

She wants presents for her dog? Is laugh in her face!

It's in no way the same

I wondered if it was something like she actually couldn't have children, but if you're sure it isn't , it could be a more generalized thing of feeling people without children don't have such a fuss made of them, so the dogs needing presents is almost a random, symbolic 'requirement'! rather than her being a bit loopy about her dogs. (Although, she maybe as well!)

I love dogs , but I've never heard of people being upset family don't buy dogs presents!

you would be entitled to tell her it's odd , as most people have said- the only thing is though, its obviously a bit sad making for you and your daughter.

The other way you could deal with it is to contact her and say-did you really want me to have got the dogs a present? I didn't realise- but I can , if you want me to. Then go and buy them a bowl or brush and some treats each, wrap them up, get them a card each, and take them round . Put the dogs birthdays in your birthday calender and get them a little present every birthday and xmas-in fact do doggy treats at easter as well, to be on the safe side!

It's a bit unusual!, but there's no reason why you can't- and I suppose if your sister had have had children , you would have been spending money on them.

If you did that, in the first instance, I might do the present buying and delivering, without your daughter, so she didn't realise her present had been withheld because of the dogs insulted feelings! but next year , she might enjoy going to a pet shop to help pick a present because-auntie likes the dogs to get a present!
You might have to let them off a thank you note though!

It is'nt nice to premptively withhold a child's present because of no dogs present, though and if my sister had done that when my daughter was 5, I would have felt my sister was being really a bit odd, definately.

There was a thread a while ago about a woman’s SIL wanting to bring her hyper dogs to her toddler nephew’s bouncy castle birthday party. Sounds just as barking

I'm going to be a slight voice of dissent here, not because I think your sister is being reasonable, I definitely don't, but it might give you an insight into why she's doing this.

I'm childfree/less - not infertility, not never wanted children, just circumstances. I tell everyone I didn't want them (too late now anyway) but no one but me and DH really knows the truth. DB has 2, now tweens Obviously every birthday / Christmas I buy presents for DNs, DB in return usually buys a hamper or something similar for me and DH at Christmas even though I've told him there is no need.

Last year we got Ddog. He gave me the kids Xmas list, and asked if we wanted a fancy cheeseboard or a hamper. I told him to save his money as they are expensive but if he wanted to get something in return I'd really like it if he could please get a toy for Ddog, it cost 8 quid and I sent him the link to where to buy it. He didn't bother and never mentioned it again. I KNOW she's not a child, and I KNOW she won't know any different, but she is the closest thing I will ever have and it would have made me happy plus she just loves getting new toys.

So it's not the present for the dog itself, it's the lack of care for what's important to me, when for years I've been making effort and spending money on DNs. Which I won't stop, obvs, and I'd never say anything, but I am slightly hurt about the whole thing!

When you don't have children you do get relegated to second class in a lot of people's eyes, it may be that it stings a bit more for your sister than you realise. She's def BU by taking it out on your little DD though!

It does sound weird that the attention just suddenly waned. I wonder if she was looking forward to having her own children, she voiced as much to her partner and he said no. I just can’t imagine someone being such a keen Aunty and then just switching off. It sounds as though something happened to cause the initial excitement and then the subsequent coldness.

It's a nasty thing to do to punish a 5 year old for the perceived mistakes of her parent.

That the parent's "mistake" is not getting birthday presents for the dogs, and the child is being punished is an incredibly nasty thing to do.

No matter how clever the dogs are, they will never understand when it is their birthday, unlike the poor 5 year old.

OP, are there any other family members who might have insight into your sister's behaviour?

I feel like the op is one, one of my sisters might write about me.

I don't want children. I have no interest in children. I live hundreds of miles away from my family. I can be a good aunt for a week on holiday taking them out, treats, playing games. I could just not sustain that level of interest in my nieces and nephews over a longer duration.

I used to send birthday and christmas presents. I have 11 nieces and nephews. So this was pretty expensive. I very rarely got a thank you from either the children or the adults. One time I genuinely forgot a birthday. My ds rang me to ask where her dd gift was. I thought this was very rude. I am not obliged to buy presents. So stopped buying gifts regularly. Other peoples childrens birthdays are not my priority. My cat is the nearest I have to a child. I can imagine me making some remark about how he didn't get a present for his birthday. Should one of my ds's be so rude as to expect a gift again.

Yes she is nuts! She sounds like my sister!!!!!! Children are not the same as pets, I say that as a dog owner. My sister had a child eventually. Even then she told me she resented me for giving my parents the first grandson and granddaughter, I mean I had no control over the sex of my baby but ok 🤷‍♀️ I’ve slowly cut her out of my life. I’ve reached a point where I’ve stopped caring. It’s her loss that my children are not part of her life. Minimise contact, it’s not worth the aggro.

I'm a dog lover and owner. My dog is part of the family, sleeps in our bed. I don't do a birthday celebration or presents for her though! It would mean nothing to her. Your sister sounds absolutely batshit. I wonder if something has happened in her life to make her behave this way.

I adore my dog she gives no shiny shits about what day it is though!!!

I think she's trying a bit too hard to convince everyone that she doesn't want kids.

She does sound a bit unhinged in not acknowledging her 5 yo nieces birthday over her dogs not getting birthday gifts that year that you've never normally sent them.

It smacks of jealousy to me.

id wrap individually little do treat for 7x her dogs birthday for this is after all their real age.

Another vote for the "Don't be so bloody ridiculous" route. She needs telling.

However you handle the your sister wanting presents for her dogs and maybe needing some help or concern herself, I would slightly take a mental note of the fact, that she currently doesn't seem have a very good understanding of children/chilhood.

It's worrying that she would think that it was ok to hurt child's feelings, to make a point to you. She doesn't seem to have thought, but little niece will be sad, if I don't send a present-and the fact that didn't even occur to her, would make me a bit wary of asking her to babysit etc. I don't mean that nastily and it's something you could be quite subtle about, but while your daughter's still little , I would try and keep at the back of your mind that your sister-at the moment anyway, (hopefully she will improve) but at the moment she doesn't seem to understand that your daughter is a little person in her own right, and that she has feelings etc.
if it was me, I might try and talk to your sister on her own maybe, and ask if she really meant it, about needing dog birthday presents and if she's ok and not feeling generally upset etc. I might offer to start buying her dogs presents , if she'd like it.

I would try and tell her that she'd been hurtful,as well, though and I definately think I would  keep an awareness that your sister might be a bit in need of support/ supervision around your daughter, until she shows more of an understanding that your daughter is , a person , with feelings etc and only a little person at that.

My sister sounds very similar to yours OP! I posted an incredibly similar post to your first post some time ago under a different user name. My sister has now gone on to have a child! 🤔

I think she sounds completely bonkers. I’ve never wanted a dog but I have 4 cats who I adore (as do my DDs), but I’ve never even thought about their birthdays. My DSis had a beloved DDog previously (she finally got a puppy again recently which she and her family adore), but I wouldn’t even know the exact birthday.

I’m afraid your sister is very self absorbed, so I just wouldn’t ever mention to your DD the possibility that her auntie will give her a present. She’ll soon stop being upset about it, as I’m sure she gets plenty of other presents.

I was thinking what Squickety said and other posters have hinted. She seems aggrieved that her 'family' is not acknowledged in the same way yours is, with presents to each member. She knows damn well her dogs don't care, and they aren't the same, but she wants her share of consideration, of attention.

And I agree with what a pp said about childless people having less 'weight' in a family. Not always, but their needs/foibles are often considered less.
Imagine a hypothetical extended family holiday where you hypothetically HAD to choose from a holiday home that was child friendly or a holiday home that was dog friendly. You couldn't have both. You'd choose the child friendly one. You bet she knows that. You bet it stings.

Not that I disagree that her behaviour is utterly sickish by the way! But I don't think she's actually batshit enough to think her dogs are actual children.

DH says sister has lost the plot

She certainly has.

Feel sorry for my DD as her adoration for her aunt obviously isn't reciprocated

This is a much bigger problem If your sister was sane I'd suggest you tell her that your DD adores her, but I'm not sure it would help here. I'd invest energy in thinking of strategies to help DD over the loss of her aunt. Just leave your sister to her dogs unless she actually does need medical help. Even then I don't see what you can do. Don't drop her but a bit of distance might help.