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AIBU?

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Original poster

The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

844 replies

jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 13:27

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
clairethewitch70 · 28/04/2019 20:18

This wedding is all down to appearences. He has invited whom he needs to impress the most. He knows he doesn't need to impress you, DM & DB, so he hasn't invited you. The invites have been given to people he wants to impress and they probably think he is paying for it too. I bet he has told his guests he has paid himself.

diddl · 28/04/2019 20:30

"Yes @diddl, the nephew told his nan that he assumed OP would ferry her about."

Thanks-wasn't sure if Op/her brother had offered first.

PreseaCombatir · 28/04/2019 20:31

What a prick the ‘D’N is

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 20:49

@diddl the reason the DN thought that is because originally it was assumed if not agreed by all that the OP would take her DM to the wedding. Doesn’t make it right obviously but that was the plan.
After the OP’s DM asked the DN and he said he thought the OP would take her, the OP and her DB2 have told their DM they will.

SweetMarmalade · 28/04/2019 20:53

I really do think that DB1 and DN should be organising transport for DM. OP and DB2 shouldn’t have to play taxi on a day they had organised to cut a holiday short and a day off work.

If I were you OP and your DB2 I would try and extend your holiday (search for a B&B in the area for your extra night) and in your DB2 case, go into work, therefore neither of you can ferry your DM to and from the wedding. Tbh, it would be like a slap in the face.

SweetMarmalade · 28/04/2019 20:57

And your DM is stuck between a rock and a hard place but still, I’m sure she will totally understand and I’m surprised she hasn’t actually already declined your offers.

If it’s such a small village you live in and others are invited from there, there will be somebody going (probably everyone from the village except you by the sounds of it OP) who can give your DM a lift.

It’s an awful situation and it really must sting. Flowers

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 20:58

Yes really good advice by SweetMarmalade. Extend your holiday and away somehow OP, for your DD’s sake if anything.

Jamiefraserskilt · 28/04/2019 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Motoko · 28/04/2019 22:01

Yeah, who's taking the elderly neighbour? OP's mum could go with them.

@TracyBeakerSoYeah Grin

StepAwayFromGoogle · 28/04/2019 22:16

So DN was expecting the OP to drive her mum up in time for the wedding, then bugger off and amuse herself for the best part of the day, and return to the wedding for the evening do at 7pm?!

ToftyAC · 28/04/2019 22:22

Unbelievable! I feel for you OP

7yo7yo · 28/04/2019 22:31

How was your groomzilla free lunch op?

VampirateQueen · 28/04/2019 23:32

Tbh your "D"N sounds like he is just want in to have a massive piss up with his friends and show off. I think your mum's plan is a good one, although would love to be a fly on the wall when everyone starts asking him why his gran has left.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 28/04/2019 23:45

To be honest, you're better off out of it.
He sounds like a right little twat and the idea of the 10 groomsmen all in white I found hilariously tacky,like some second rate footballers wedding. If he thinks his wedding is somehow high class and supposedly posh then he's completely ruined the effect with that idea and made it look incredulously chavvy! Grin

texasgurl · 29/04/2019 01:55

M4J4, we have special term for people who act like this. We know them as "Trash." By default, you always invite your living relatives from nearest to second cousins, end of. That is what you are supposed to do.

Nomorechickens · 29/04/2019 05:56

Graphista has it right - when you host a wedding you take into account the convenience, comfort and enjoyment of your guests. That includes making sure they have suitable companions.
As I see it, DB1 is at least partly responsible for bringing up DN to be an entitled selfish prat, and DB1 is responsible for paying out presumably a huge amount of money for the wedding without any sort of check that it is being spent wisely.
Parents who pay for a wedding usually set boundaries - not to exercise control but to only pay for things which seem reasonable, anything more to be paid for by the couple themselves.
If I were OP's DM I would be having some harsh words with DB1, not about who was invited to the wedding but on how he was letting his son get away with being a thoughtless idiot.

Sasstal67 · 29/04/2019 09:02

Myself and my family were the only close relatives not invited to niece or nephew's weddings. The main reason being that middle sister (not the parent of either) hates me and my family but won't ever admit why, to anyone. She insists everyone omit us from all events and they're too afraid to stand up to her. She is well known within the family to be an outright bully.

Though, to be honest, both of my sisters are raging snobs who ceased the pretence of having any interest in me the day I moved into social housing. That I lower the tone of the family by having rented a home in an 'estate' probably had something to do with it too.

My DD, who used to do almost everything for my ageing mother as well as holding down a high pressure job, was informed by her nan that she could drive her nan the 100+ miles to one of the weddings. That would entitle DD to attend, but she wouldn't be receiving an actual invitation from her cousin.

Her nan was deeply unimpressed when my DD gathered up the nerve to politely refuse the non-invitation. It was made very clear to DD what a disappointment she was. Missing the weddings meant nothing to me as tbh I dread weddings, not that I'd ever let on to anyone. However, the way my daughter was treated disgusted me.

The fact is that no matter how you treat others the way you would have them treat you, people can be assholes, assholes with a massively inflated sense of self worth.

KooMoo · 29/04/2019 09:21

Just skimmed read both threads (mainly op posts).

Wow 😮

Families eh! DN clearly has totally different ideas of what constitutes a good wedding!

Most people view a wedding ceremony as something beautiful in that two people who love each other unite and declare their devotion to each other in front of the eyes of god, family & friends.

DN seems to be viewing it as an opportunity to dress up and have Osmond look alikes flash mob dance at the reception to Crazy Horses Grin

Thewarrenerswife · 29/04/2019 10:10

I don’t really see your DM’s dilemma. I come from a small but fiercely loyal family. You hurt one of us, you hurt all of us.

Myself and my DH have been in a similar situation with his DN. He and his wife both came to our entire wedding. A family disagreement later, and we and DH’s, DS1 were not invited to his wedding. DH’s DS2 was invited, together with DH’s DM&D.

They all said how rude and offensive it was, but those invited were still going to go. I told them all how absurd it was to feel a duty to go, when doing so would cause no less upset than not going.

Whether your your DM goes or not, it will cause upset. To my mind it’s a case of choosing who she’d rather upset. I’d rather upset the DN and the DB than you OP, because I see you have done nothing wrong.

thecatsthecats · 29/04/2019 10:22

@Ce7913

Absolutely spot on. People are over egging this 'drama' horribly.

OP - I honestly think that it would have played out better if you'd taken a week or so to yes, get over the initial hurt, then decide if you still wanted to go to the evening do or not. Not get involved with transport, and mentally peg that you aren't as close to nephew as you had thought.

I've been hurt before, and I know that the feelings I have when it is fresh and raw are neither mature or measured. They're rarely a good yardstick by which to put something in context and act accordingly. I always find the worst thing about upset is how much people egg you on to be even MORE upset/insulted/degraded.

I really, REALLY fail to see how all this frantic demanding of explanations is going to achieve anything. The answer they've given might not be liked, but it's the truth. They decided that the 150 people they wanted there did not have room for his aunt. There is no deeper explanation to demand.

All this frothing is resulting in extreme and polarising advice.

My honest advice is to step back from the thread, stop talking to your mum about it, stop sneering at the choices of the wedding you so desperately want to attend, and cool your head about the whole thing. I guarantee you will feel better. This isn't a matter of desperate urgency. You absolutely can set it aside.

Some of the responses on this thread are bizarre. It’s the kind of wedding that has ten groomsmen all in white. There are 150 guests. Yet several posters are suggesting that the hot topic of conversation will be ‘Who dropped off the groom’s Gran?’ Bollocks!

Also this ^^. One of my wedding guests was in the process of separating from her husband. We'd invited all of them - the couple and her children/his children. She came with just her eldest son. The people who knew, knew. The people who didn't know didn't bat an eyelid. Including me - we aren't close, and I had no more time than to say hi/thanks for coming/you look lovely before talking to other people or dancing with them later.

I have never attended a wedding only to sit around talking about the groom's aunt.

Again, another example of this thread being out of step with reality and pointlessly and hurtfully ramping up the 'drama'.

MyToothPain · 29/04/2019 11:29

OP, apart from DB1 do you know anyone who IS going to the ceremony?

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 11:46

That’s a good question MyToothPain- you said about 100 people, right, and DN and his fiancée have been together many years and have a child. Have you never met any of her family, and do you have a sense where all DN’s friends who are filling up the seats have come from- he didn’t go away to University and lives and works locally to you, right?

TapasForTwo · 29/04/2019 12:40

I'm always amazed at how many "friends" these people have. I don't think I even know 100 people, let alone have 100 friends.

Isthisafreename · 29/04/2019 13:29

I have never attended a wedding only to sit around talking about the groom's aunt.

There probably won't be discussion on who dropped off the grandmother but it's a small village so presumably there will be lots of people there who do know the op and her family. I would expect there to be questions about where the op and db2 are. At my cousin's wedding, my dsis, dn, parents were all asked by multiple people where I was (nobody expected db to be there as he lives abroad). They were all told I was not invited, which did lead to some surprised comments.

Motoko · 29/04/2019 13:56

The guests are probably Facbook or Instagram "friends".