AIBU not to give my mum a special ‘role’ in my wedding?

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Planning my wedding at the moment. It’s in 6 months and I’m getting so stressed about my family politics. This is a bit long so the short version is, AIBU not to give my mum a specific ‘role’ in my wedding in response to her passive aggressive digs about my dad?

My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Without going into a whole massive back story, my parents’ divorce was very messy and my mum did a few things which were less than ideal. Our relationship was quite strained for a few years as a result, but we’ve long since made up, I’ve forgiven her, and it was a very long time ago (I was 17 then, I’m 36 now!)

However, I think my mum still has some unresolved guilt about the whole thing and it manifests as a bit of a martyr complex where unfortunately she seems to be expecting to be shoved out or punished in some way. This has resulted in a number of passive aggressive digs about my wedding which I would really like to stop now, or it’s going to be a long and stressful six months and I’d quite like to just enjoy the lead up to my wedding!

For example, she asked if my dad would be giving me away and doing a Father of the Bride speech. I said yes, because I know those things are important to him, and he’s been looking forward to them my whole life. She just grumbled something about how she’d have to somehow make sure people knew who she was, and that I shouldn’t worry about her feeling left out (but in a tone that very much suggested the exact opposite).

She asked me where she would be sitting at dinner and whether my dad would be next to me at the top table. I said I didn’t know yet and we’d probably just do whatever is traditional, and she got into a bit of a huff about potentially being seated ‘far away’ from me (two or three seats away at most, and it’s an informal dinner where we’ll be seated for an hour max!) I said I welcomed her suggestions and she could sit next to me if she wanted, or maybe she and my dad could swap half way through dinner or something like that, and of course she immediately just told me not to be silly and that it didn’t matter and of course I should sit next to my dad.

She also keeps making comments about how she’s sorry that she can’t afford to pay more towards the wedding, the subtext (I think) being that my dad has sooo much more money than her. I keep reminding her that my dad isn’t paying, we’re paying for it ourselves! But she still brings it up and acts like it’s a big deal.

Don’t even get me started on the guilt trip about needing to invite some of her friends because she ‘won’t know anyone’ (except her husband and all her kids and their partners and her grandchildren of course!)

I’ve probably made her sound awful and she’s not, she’s lovely and very caring really, but just has this really paranoid/insecure/passive aggressive side to her that is so hard to deal with. She also keeps telling me not to let my dad tell me what to do or let him take over the day (which he isn’t, he’s basically going to be turning up on the day and walking me down the aisle because we’re planning and paying for everything ourselves).

A few people have suggested that I ask her to do a reading or something in order to give her a ‘role’ and make her feel special. My problem with this is that my fiancé’s parents aren’t doing anything like that, and I feel reluctant to have the whole day feel like a performance by my family! His family are already much quieter than mine (who are all, err, strong personalities) and I can’t help feeling like it’s going to feel like the ‘My Family Show’ as it is. His family would literally never complain about anything and will happily go along with whatever we decide, which is what makes it all the more frustrating when my own mother makes me feel so stuck and like I can’t do anything right. And yes, I guess I am reluctant to feel like I’m ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour from her (can’t quite believe I feel that way about one of my own parents!)

My mum has been dress shopping with me, will be coming along to my makeup trial next week, and will spend all morning having breakfast and getting ready with me on the day - why am I being made to feel like this isn’t enough? If you tot up her involvement in the wedding vs my dad’s then she’s actually far more involved than he is.

I had a word with her last night and said that it makes me sad that she’d put so much emphasis on a seat at dinner or a speech, and that she might somehow feel ‘less’ than my dad because of these tiny things, and she told me that I was imagining it and that it wasn’t how she felt at all. But I know my own mother and all the little comments and digs very much say otherwise.

So, next time she says something AIBU to tell her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to hear another word about it and that she is making me dread my wedding day with her constant niggling about it? I love her dearly and it breaks my heart that she’s apparently feeling so insecure about things but I can’t keep feeling so stressed about this!

I didn’t finish my penultimate paragraph, I was also going to say that we’re seeing each other in the morning and arriving at the venue together because I’m not a big fan of the whole ‘hide the bride from everyone all morning’ thing! So my dad will basically just be walking me the last tiny bit down the aisle right before the ceremony. I have no problem with rejecting the traditions that don’t sit right with me or that feel wrong, but I like this one and I want to keep it.

Thanks Kennehora, no worries and I agree! I think it’s very important to ask why things are the way they are and why we make the choices that we do, and understand the histories behind some of the traditions that we buy into.

Tell her straight, her antics do not wash with you, she either quits whilst she is ahead, or she is not invited to the wedding. This is your's and your DF day, not your DM who seems to want to detract attention away from your DD put of spite and jealousy,

Yes, put your foot down with her now. Maybe on the day, if your husband does a speech thanking people (and giving presents?) you just make a point of her being thanked and given something, so it's very public that she's your mother. Though honestly, it's all a bit ridiculous.

Having divorced parents with such animosity my wedding was not now I wanted. I really feel for you .
In my case my father was not at my wedding and I refused much to mum's demands to have my brother give me away.
Give your mum a small important roll .
Am not sure what , but if she has some significant role that should be enough.
Could she possibly announce the arrival of the bride at the church? Or light a candle .
I wish you all the best and as stress free as possible

As I discovered on our wedding day you can have 3 witnesses. (I'd check with the registrar!) We'd asked my mum and FIL - all a bit much and DH forgot so we had best man too. Good luck!

On the subject of why I’m having my dad walk me down the aisle, this is something I wrestled with for AGES as honestly my preference as a feminist would be just to walk on my own. But I saw how happy and proud it made my dad to walk my sister down the aisle a few years ago and I eventually decided that as it would mean a lot to him, I wanted to give him that moment. When I asked him he was really surprised and delighted as he knows my views and had really not been expecting it!

I was determined to walk in by myself. No relationship with my Dad, close-ish with Mum, but not that close. Then on the morning of our wedding, the thought of walking in by myself nearly gave me a heart attack. Quick phone call to the best man and he met me at the door and held my hand.

In view of recent updates: the title of the thread was 'AIBU not to give my mum a special role in my wedding?' And the subtext was that she's behaved badly in the past, that the decision has been made on this basis and hence the question asked at the end of the OP was should she just put up, shut up and accept that you 'don't want to hear another word about it?' All the while claiming that you love her dearly, and she really isn't nearly so bad as you just made her sound?

Short answer: yes. YABU.

And the subtext was that she's behaved badly in the past, that the decision has been made on this basis

No that was definitely not the subtext! We genuinely do have a good relationship now but it took a long time to get there, she went through a pretty terrible time a few years ago and did some soul-searching as a result and ended up apologising unreservedly, which I gladly accepted and forgave her. I never said that I didn’t want her to have a role because I was upset about the past. I said that I was struggling to find a role that fitted, or sat right with me, and asked whether it was wrong for her not to have a specific ‘role’ given that I couldn’t think of anything. With the help of people here I’ve been able to work through some things and come up with some ideas that might actually work (I had no idea we could actually have four witnesses, which is brilliant!) and I’m delighted that I think we’ve found some compromises to suggest.

And yes, I do love my mum dearly! Families are complicated buggers sometimes though!

My mum and MIL were the witnesses at our wedding

@Mariel What a nasty judgy post. I didn’t get that “subtext” at all.

OP I agree about the bouquets given that you have StepMums there too. Ring bearers sound perfect.

Thank you IHateUncleJamie. And everyone! I really welcome all the responses, even the harsher ones, because they’re helping me to unpack my feelings about the situation and be honest with myself about how I feel. Hearing the harshest, most unflattering interpretations of my actions and motivations helps me to understand how other people might perceive them at the wedding, which is really helpful, and also forces me to ask myself whether or not they might be true on some level.

I genuinely don’t think they are, but I also had the biggest, snottiest sobbing sesh earlier when (after writing this thread) I thought back to some of the really traumatic moments in my past relationship with my mum, and realised maybe I need to work through some of those long-suppressed feelings before the wedding. I think I may need a counselling session or two.

That really does have nothing to do with asking my dad to walk me down the aisle though, I am certain of that and very comfortable with that decision. I think if my mum had raised me as a feminist and this had been something we’d ever discussed before, then I’d happily have them both walk with me. But this has never been the expectation (she actually has some decidedly unfeminist views!) and I am not asking her to walk me down the aisle now just so that she can stick two fingers up to my dad. Judge away and make of that what you will, my feminist conscience is clear!

My very feminist fiancé and I will definitely make it clear to any children that we may have that they are free to walk down the aisle alone, or with whomever they choose, and we will have no expectations that it should be either of us

I think it is completely appropriate for your father to walk you down the aisle. As I have said, I am a feminist. I had no "giving away" language in the ceremony and I kept my own surname after marriage, which the officiant announced at the end of the ceremony. But I was my father's first born; he was always spectacularly proud of me, and let me know it on a regular basis all my life. I knew how much it would mean to him to walk me down the aisle, just the two of us. I recognize this choice is not a feminist choice, but it was the right one for us at the time. And so I think it likely is for you.

I sympathise as my parents were divorced and not amicably.

My father gave a traditional 'father of the bride' speech at the reception. My mother and mother in law both did readings at the ceremony.

I wasn't given away.

EveryDayImHustlin, then I've clearly misinterpreted your comments about the back-story and would like to apologize unreservedly for that. That my post came across as harsh wasn't intentional; it was a brief (if on reflection brusque) opinion from an objective standpoint. I'm not overinvested to the point of pushing or continuing to defend that view, but accept that it could have been put more tactfully. For that, too, apologies.

All I would add is that you said your Mum was expecting to be shoved out or punished in some way, so to her the delegating of all these major roles to your father must seem like confirmation of that belief. Her passive-aggressive way of dealing with her frustration is far from ideal; it's the worst sort of behaviour to deal with when people can't be direct about what it is that's actually upsetting them. And it doesn't make finding a solution to this kind of dilemma any easier, but it seems you've found a number of possible options that fit with plans that are already firmly made. I hope you hit on a solution that everyone is happy with, or can at least live with, and are able to restore some peace and equilibrium in the run-up to your wedding.

Hello @EveryDayImHustlin

Congratulations on your impending wedding/marriage and sorry you're having to give headspace to unnecessary negativity. You already have so much in your plate.

Just one thing .. you said:
I think she is just one of those people who actively enjoys feeling hard-done-by but I also know that she would be really mortified if she ever actually knew she’d upset me. So I’m hoping she will calm down a bit or at least keep some of her comments to herself as the day gets closer!

When you are able to tell her her role for the day are you also able to clearly tell her this ^^?

Tell her you love her (it sounds like you do care for her) and you need/want her help in making the day a kind, loving, positive experience and that her calmness and, as you know, her love by her actions will actually make that happen.

But also get your siblings to be as close physically to her as possible and keep an eye on her wherever possible so they can step in and defuse any situations which may arise.

I saw how happy and proud it made my dad to walk my sister down the aisle a few years ago and I eventually decided that as it would mean a lot to him, I wanted to give him that moment. When I asked him he was really surprised and delighted as he knows my views and had really not been expecting it!
I bet your dad is so very proud of you. I hope he also has a wonderful day. Bless you my dear.

I hope your day goes well. 🌹

@Mariel Fair play

Thank you Mariel, apology not necessary but gratefully accepted! I didn’t post on AIBU expecting that people would just be lovely and agree with me, but if the worst I get is ‘prickly’ and some YABUs then I’m delighted

It’s not so much that plans are firmly made, more that certain things feel instinctively right, and considerate of everyone’s feelings, while other suggestions just feel slightly ‘off’ without it being quite possible to articulate exactly why. When you’ve known people your whole life you get a pretty good feel for what works and what doesn’t (although people can surprise you too of course!) I spoke to my sister last night and she recoiled in horror at the thought of my mum doing a speech, and said ‘no way, that would be so uncomfortable’ to having them both walk me down the aisle. And she’s really close to my mum, even more so than I am, so she’s saying that with love based on her knowledge of all the people involved.

Thank you Happynow that’s really sweet

I probably won’t post much more here as I don’t think there’s much more for me to say, but thank you again for your thoughts everyone, this has been more helpful than I ever thought possible!

Just wanted to say what a wonderfully thoughtful person you sound, @EveryDayImHustlin. I hope it went off well!