Planning my wedding at the moment. It’s in 6 months and I’m getting so stressed about my family politics. This is a bit long so the short version is, AIBU not to give my mum a specific ‘role’ in my wedding in response to her passive aggressive digs about my dad?
My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Without going into a whole massive back story, my parents’ divorce was very messy and my mum did a few things which were less than ideal. Our relationship was quite strained for a few years as a result, but we’ve long since made up, I’ve forgiven her, and it was a very long time ago (I was 17 then, I’m 36 now!)
However, I think my mum still has some unresolved guilt about the whole thing and it manifests as a bit of a martyr complex where unfortunately she seems to be expecting to be shoved out or punished in some way. This has resulted in a number of passive aggressive digs about my wedding which I would really like to stop now, or it’s going to be a long and stressful six months and I’d quite like to just enjoy the lead up to my wedding!
For example, she asked if my dad would be giving me away and doing a Father of the Bride speech. I said yes, because I know those things are important to him, and he’s been looking forward to them my whole life. She just grumbled something about how she’d have to somehow make sure people knew who she was, and that I shouldn’t worry about her feeling left out (but in a tone that very much suggested the exact opposite).
She asked me where she would be sitting at dinner and whether my dad would be next to me at the top table. I said I didn’t know yet and we’d probably just do whatever is traditional, and she got into a bit of a huff about potentially being seated ‘far away’ from me (two or three seats away at most, and it’s an informal dinner where we’ll be seated for an hour max!) I said I welcomed her suggestions and she could sit next to me if she wanted, or maybe she and my dad could swap half way through dinner or something like that, and of course she immediately just told me not to be silly and that it didn’t matter and of course I should sit next to my dad.
She also keeps making comments about how she’s sorry that she can’t afford to pay more towards the wedding, the subtext (I think) being that my dad has sooo much more money than her. I keep reminding her that my dad isn’t paying, we’re paying for it ourselves! But she still brings it up and acts like it’s a big deal.
Don’t even get me started on the guilt trip about needing to invite some of her friends because she ‘won’t know anyone’ (except her husband and all her kids and their partners and her grandchildren of course!)
I’ve probably made her sound awful and she’s not, she’s lovely and very caring really, but just has this really paranoid/insecure/passive aggressive side to her that is so hard to deal with. She also keeps telling me not to let my dad tell me what to do or let him take over the day (which he isn’t, he’s basically going to be turning up on the day and walking me down the aisle because we’re planning and paying for everything ourselves).
A few people have suggested that I ask her to do a reading or something in order to give her a ‘role’ and make her feel special. My problem with this is that my fiancé’s parents aren’t doing anything like that, and I feel reluctant to have the whole day feel like a performance by my family! His family are already much quieter than mine (who are all, err, strong personalities) and I can’t help feeling like it’s going to feel like the ‘My Family Show’ as it is. His family would literally never complain about anything and will happily go along with whatever we decide, which is what makes it all the more frustrating when my own mother makes me feel so stuck and like I can’t do anything right. And yes, I guess I am reluctant to feel like I’m ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour from her (can’t quite believe I feel that way about one of my own parents!)
My mum has been dress shopping with me, will be coming along to my makeup trial next week, and will spend all morning having breakfast and getting ready with me on the day - why am I being made to feel like this isn’t enough? If you tot up her involvement in the wedding vs my dad’s then she’s actually far more involved than he is.
I had a word with her last night and said that it makes me sad that she’d put so much emphasis on a seat at dinner or a speech, and that she might somehow feel ‘less’ than my dad because of these tiny things, and she told me that I was imagining it and that it wasn’t how she felt at all. But I know my own mother and all the little comments and digs very much say otherwise.
So, next time she says something AIBU to tell her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to hear another word about it and that she is making me dread my wedding day with her constant niggling about it? I love her dearly and it breaks my heart that she’s apparently feeling so insecure about things but I can’t keep feeling so stressed about this!