AIBU not to give my mum a special ‘role’ in my wedding?

[EveryDayImHustlin]

Planning my wedding at the moment. It’s in 6 months and I’m getting so stressed about my family politics. This is a bit long so the short version is, AIBU not to give my mum a specific ‘role’ in my wedding in response to her passive aggressive digs about my dad?

My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Without going into a whole massive back story, my parents’ divorce was very messy and my mum did a few things which were less than ideal. Our relationship was quite strained for a few years as a result, but we’ve long since made up, I’ve forgiven her, and it was a very long time ago (I was 17 then, I’m 36 now!)

However, I think my mum still has some unresolved guilt about the whole thing and it manifests as a bit of a martyr complex where unfortunately she seems to be expecting to be shoved out or punished in some way. This has resulted in a number of passive aggressive digs about my wedding which I would really like to stop now, or it’s going to be a long and stressful six months and I’d quite like to just enjoy the lead up to my wedding!

For example, she asked if my dad would be giving me away and doing a Father of the Bride speech. I said yes, because I know those things are important to him, and he’s been looking forward to them my whole life. She just grumbled something about how she’d have to somehow make sure people knew who she was, and that I shouldn’t worry about her feeling left out (but in a tone that very much suggested the exact opposite).

She asked me where she would be sitting at dinner and whether my dad would be next to me at the top table. I said I didn’t know yet and we’d probably just do whatever is traditional, and she got into a bit of a huff about potentially being seated ‘far away’ from me (two or three seats away at most, and it’s an informal dinner where we’ll be seated for an hour max!) I said I welcomed her suggestions and she could sit next to me if she wanted, or maybe she and my dad could swap half way through dinner or something like that, and of course she immediately just told me not to be silly and that it didn’t matter and of course I should sit next to my dad.

She also keeps making comments about how she’s sorry that she can’t afford to pay more towards the wedding, the subtext (I think) being that my dad has sooo much more money than her. I keep reminding her that my dad isn’t paying, we’re paying for it ourselves! But she still brings it up and acts like it’s a big deal.

Don’t even get me started on the guilt trip about needing to invite some of her friends because she ‘won’t know anyone’ (except her husband and all her kids and their partners and her grandchildren of course!)

I’ve probably made her sound awful and she’s not, she’s lovely and very caring really, but just has this really paranoid/insecure/passive aggressive side to her that is so hard to deal with. She also keeps telling me not to let my dad tell me what to do or let him take over the day (which he isn’t, he’s basically going to be turning up on the day and walking me down the aisle because we’re planning and paying for everything ourselves).

A few people have suggested that I ask her to do a reading or something in order to give her a ‘role’ and make her feel special. My problem with this is that my fiancé’s parents aren’t doing anything like that, and I feel reluctant to have the whole day feel like a performance by my family! His family are already much quieter than mine (who are all, err, strong personalities) and I can’t help feeling like it’s going to feel like the ‘My Family Show’ as it is. His family would literally never complain about anything and will happily go along with whatever we decide, which is what makes it all the more frustrating when my own mother makes me feel so stuck and like I can’t do anything right. And yes, I guess I am reluctant to feel like I’m ‘rewarding’ bad behaviour from her (can’t quite believe I feel that way about one of my own parents!)

My mum has been dress shopping with me, will be coming along to my makeup trial next week, and will spend all morning having breakfast and getting ready with me on the day - why am I being made to feel like this isn’t enough? If you tot up her involvement in the wedding vs my dad’s then she’s actually far more involved than he is.

I had a word with her last night and said that it makes me sad that she’d put so much emphasis on a seat at dinner or a speech, and that she might somehow feel ‘less’ than my dad because of these tiny things, and she told me that I was imagining it and that it wasn’t how she felt at all. But I know my own mother and all the little comments and digs very much say otherwise.

So, next time she says something AIBU to tell her in no uncertain terms that I do not want to hear another word about it and that she is making me dread my wedding day with her constant niggling about it? I love her dearly and it breaks my heart that she’s apparently feeling so insecure about things but I can’t keep feeling so stressed about this!

Younsound really considerate and thoughtful so follow your gut and do things how you want them. Your mum is being ridiculous tbh.

See, now I’d be tempted to spring a HUGE role on her. Ring her and hint darkly that the whole wedding business has overwhelmed you. Arrange to meet up and make a big deal of handing over a USB stick of the whole mega-spreadsheet. Tell her you’ve taken the hint, she was right all along, and you’d like to do it all very traditionally. Mother of the Bride organises the wedding. A real weight off your shoulders, etc. Everyone counting on her, so pleased she’s taken it on, etc. Tell her you’re really looking forward to the Big Day. Such a relief all round.

I give it 2 days, she’ll suddenly be magically very happy with her original role.

Hint: replay this strategy if/when you get pregnant. She’s the type to love the competitive grandparenting game.

Weddings do strange things to people! Personally l am confused about why people try to dictate so much about other people’s wedding. It’s bad manners and not their wedding, getting married is stressful enough already without demands you do it this way or that way. E.g. my mum having the hump l didn’t invite any of her friends. They aren’t a part of my life and it would have been yet more money -of course she hadn’t thought about that. I was asked to do a reading at a friends wedding and l was really flattered. I never would have dreamed of demanding l do this

@Skittlesandbeer 😂

Tell her to channel her Doria Ragland. The mother of the bride of the century. All alone, no fuss, utterly composed and charming.

Your mother sounds very insecure about the whole thing. Reassure her one more time that everyone will know who she is and she will get a special mention in the speeches. And then tell her you don’t want to have the conversation any more.

Enjoy your day.

And "because they want to" doesn't actually explain why people want to engage in an offensive shitty tradition

Lol. In your opinion. If my feminist adult dd would like my DH to walk down the aisle with her and they’re both happy, how TF is that sexist, offensive or shitty? Her wedding, her choice. Have you never heard of horses for courses?

Am I the only one thinking the OP and the Mother sound like two sides of the same coin? OP seems a bit prickly.

mum escorted down the aisle by son/male relative just before the bride

This is the custom in the US. There is actually a little ceremony of the seating of the mothers. The groom's mother is escorted in first and after she is seated, the bride's mother is escorted in. Sometimes, grandmothers also participate in this little ceremony and are escorted in before the mothers.

When I got married there were six women in this little ceremony. Two grandmothers, two stepmothers, and lastly two mothers. And only one of these women was on DH's side. But that's a story for another day.

OP, I think your mother would probably enjoy this special seating. But you probably want to consider including the groom's mother as well.

if my feminist adult dd would like my DH to walk down the aisle with her and they’re both happy, how TF is that sexist, offensive or shitty? Her wedding, her choice. Absolutely!

I'm a feminist (hence my MN nickname). My dad walked me down the aisle. There was no giving away though.

Some very simple things to do
Give her a corsage
Have ushers walk the mother’s down the aisle just before the processional.

Give all parents the option of doing a speech if they want.

Make sure your husband dances with your mother, and you with his father, early in the evening/.

Am I the only one thinking the OP and the Mother sound like two sides of the same coin? OP seems a bit prickly.

I don’t think OP sounds prickly at all. However, I could cut her some slack if she did. Her DM ran off with another man leaving her children behind and is now wanting lots of attention at the wedding. I’d be a bit pissed off too if I was her DD.

Because it is perpetuating and promoting the concept of women as possessions or chattels being exchanged between men.

🙄 Still doesn’t make it “shitty”. And who precisely would that offend if the bride and Dad both want to do it?

OP seems a bit prickly.

Really?! How so? I’ve genuinely tried to listen to everyone’s views here and take everything on board so I’m really curious to understand what I’ve done to make you think that.

I’m definitely very sensitive and hate the thought of ever upsetting anyone which means I can read too much into things, but I genuinely just want to keep everyone happy!

She has a role by default. She is mother of the bride.

I recently got married and we had a very low key ceremony and reception so no one really had a “role” but because they put the B&G’s dads’ names and occupations on the marriage certificate, we had our mums sign as witnesses so all four parents were involved in that way.

AlexaAmbidextra thank you. I really didn’t want to make this thread about that because it’s ancient history now and we do have a great relationship these days but obviously it all feeds into the dynamic. She did some other pretty terrible things around the time of the affair which I’d rather not go into but yeah, it was a rough time for everyone. And without that back story people are quick to make assumptions about who must have been the resident parent after the divorce, and who must have left who, and it’s just going to be impossible to understand the dynamic there unless you’ve been in my shoes. I understand it’s really complicated and I’ve been having to explain it my whole adult life (people wanting to know why I was taking my younger siblings to school and where my mum was etc) so I don’t expect all the nuances to be apparent in a mumsnet thread! It’s kind of funny though when people demand to know who the resident parent was, and then go silent when I say it was my dad.

This thread has genuinely been really helpful though and given me some clarity I was missing before so I’m really grateful. To everyone!

Agree her role is mother of the bride. I think in a non traditional family set up it's kind of the bride and groom to consider alternatives to the traditional top table though. I'm divorced and remarried, ExH is single and when DD got married her MIL did show signs of making a bit of a fuss about wanting a top table. DD just said no, it doesn't work for my family and no one is being made to feel awkward. On the other hand I didn't create any awkwardness around anything to do with ExH either. I mostly paid, he accompanied her down the aisle and made a father of the bride speech. Everyone was kind and considerate since it was their wedding day and we are all grown ups.

EveryDayImHustlin. You would very unusual (and superhuman) for this event in your life to have had no effect on you. Of course it still impacts your relationship with your DM. How could it not? Even though we’re adults our childhoods can still hurt us. And at 17 you were still a child.

I also think that your DM’s now wanting to be acknowledged as a prominent part of your wedding may have it’s roots in some guilt over her decisions all those years ago. It’s good that you now have a close relationship with her but you need to stand firm and have the wedding you want. I hope you’re able to do this and have a lovely joyful day that you can all look back on with pleasure.

I'm divorced, and when DD got married her father walked her down the aisle and I did one of the readings . The majority of the guests were from the groom's side, so yes it was nice that I had a role and everyone knew who I was. If your mother is insecure, it would make her feel worse if other people had a role and she didn't. Give her a small role - it'll make her day.

OP you have some great suggestions to include your mother (candle, being escorted to seat in church) It was a lovely gesture to ask step brother to sign register and dad to walk you down aisle I wouldn't change these to suit your mum as if she is not happy with lightening a candle etc she will never be happy.

Also if your fiance is nervous about speech I have been to many weddings where speeches are before meal so groom, father of bride and best man can relax and enjoy their food.

Why not let her & your husband to be mum sign the marriage certificate then you have both your mum & dad's name on the certificate?

We’ve just hit upon the idea of having our mothers be our ring bearers! I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before. Then they can get a special mention when the celebrant asks them to bring the rings up.

Hopefully this is special enough that my mum will feel included but not such a fuss that my MIL-to-be will feel awkward! I’m going to ask her next time I see her.

I feel much better about this idea than about asking my step brother to step down from signing the register, because he was so touched to be asked and I think it would be a little sad to take it away.

And we’re either going to avoid the top table altogether, or do the ‘traditional’ set up which will be to have her next to my husband (!) and my dad next to me so she won’t feel pushed out.

Fingers crossed everyone will be happy... but if not then at least I’ve tried my best.

Well done OP, I know she's been hardwork but I think you'll feel good about this