Being prayed for

[BuckingFrolics]

I'm an atheist and my DM knows this - indeed she and my DF raised me as one. She "found god" when my DF left in my early teens

She says she prays for me.

AIBU to tell her to stop, as I find it offensive?

I agree Alsohuman. Why are these people afraid of something that doesn't exist?

Agnostic and open minded here.

I don’t believe in God but know a lot of people who do. If they say i’ll pray for you I just say thank you and move on with my day.
As PP’s have said it is the equivalent of saying thinking about you, wishing you well and generally caring about you. People who have a faith ( whatever it is) do all that while they say a prayer for you, it doesn’t hurt.
Your mum wants to show care for you, in the best way she knows how, is it more effective than listening to you or coming round to yours with cake probably not but where is the harm.
Quite frankly with the shit state the world is in I think everyone could do with a little more care in their lives.
You seem incredibly dismissive and quite rude about your mum having a faith, maybe she got a lot of comfort and support from the church when your dad left.
“Virtue signalling” because she prays wow!
Maybe you should ask her if she finds your attitude offensive.

race, sex, disability are not things you can choose or change. religion is an actively harmful social construct in many ways. It's completely different.

It really isn’t different at all. It’s massively disrespectful and completely harmless on an individual level.

I think it's contextual surely.

There are people who say it in the same way as 'thinking of you,' or 'sending good vibes,'. There are other people who do it to show moral superiority/ to show they know better.

OP knows what her mum is doing. I've had both. When it is meant well I am thankful and not offended. When intentions are not so pure, then I feel uncomfortable.

If someone asked me not to pray for them, then I wouldn't do it out loud in their presence, but I would still pray.

When we had a family tragedy a few people said they’d prayed for us. Whatever faith I had previously was shot to bits followed the tragedy so I just used to stay quiet or say ‘thanks’ but without any sort of follow up.

I’m lucky in that the people who said they prayed did admit that they felt helpless and this was a way of trying to find some sort of answer or connection - plus they stuck around and were there for us in person too. If they’d made a point of praying for us yet avoiding us I would have been really hurt.

@Alsohuman yes, the anti-religion bias in MN really is very depressing.

Until pushy mums need to get their kids into the local outstanding-rated faith school, that is.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3565653-Baptised-to-get-in-to-a-school

Utter hypocrisy.

If someone asked me not to pray for them, then I wouldn't do it out loud in their presence, but I would still pray

Why?

@piglet89
I have found it is either:

1. Poor experience of religion as a child e.g. A cruel nun/priest at school or rude church-goers. Rightly or wrongly, the entire faith gets tarred with the same brush.
2. Ignorance of the actual beliefs of other faiths and denominations within one faith, particularly trying to simplify it to feel superior. Magical sky fairy lot would fit in here....
3. A strange phenomenon of polarising religion against science. I believe in science so I can't be religious line of thought.
4. Arrogance
5. Past wrong-doings by religous people

One thing that does surprise me is the amount of people who profess no faith yet get really worked up about other people's faiths and attempts to prove them wrong. I think if I was
an Atheist, I just wouldn't care enough to argue because it simy wouldn't be real?

Why would I pray if I've been asked not to?

Because if I have love and concern for a person, then I want to talk to God about that person, because I believe he can have a positive effect on that person's life. There's no way I would stop praying for my daughters, for me that would be like stopping loving them.

I understand though that it must be wierd for the OP when her DM was not like this when she was growing up.

I don't like it.

Tell her you are seeing a spiritualist or someone else and that you are doing spells on her behalf to cleanse her of her false faith. Buy her books on atheism. Tell her you will cease and desist when she does.

I would say “Thank you, but I would much rather you didn’t”

And whoever said that Mumsnet is anti religious- are you kidding me?

i never get why people say this but she doesnt mean harm

Look at this thread as an example- over 100 posts and all but 3/4 telling the OP she is being unreasonable.........

I think it can be very hard when a parent is religious and the adult child is not. That's where the patronising and controlling dynamics potentially come in.

My MIL (but not her husband) became very religious when DH was about 11 years old and it utterly ruined their relationship - it felt to DH that she chose god instead of him and I really see where he was coming from due to her subsequent behaviour towards him and his sisters. She also favoured the children of church goers over her own (non-religious) GC. Even in her terminal illness her religion alienated her family which broke my heart for DH who was a very loving son.

Much suffering is caused in the name of religion. My DH and my DD have strong negative feelings towards religion due to the behaviour of MIL towards them and would have felt anger and hurt if she had said that she would pray for them.

It's different if it's a stranger saying it though as it's far easier then to accept it as an expression of general well wishes.

@BertrandRussell

That could be because atheists and religious people alike think the objections of the OP are unreasonable. It's viewed as completely harmless by any reasonable person. It definitely doesn't represent the whole picture.

I didn't understand in the first post why anyone would be 'offended' but your update that explains she takes credit (or gives the credit to god) for your achievements rather than giving you credit for your hard work / ability. I do understand why that would grate. I have in my time met religious people who talk about 'gods plan for somebody' when they really should just say 'congratuations' or 'well done'. This isn't about your DM praying, it's about her lack of support for you

“It's viewed as completely harmless by any reasonable person”

In your opinion. I would prefer if people did not pray for me. It’s not a hill I would die on, or something I would risk upsetting someone I cared about over. But I would prefer not.
There is very rarely a thread on here that is either majority anti religious, or even with a majority of non religious people on it. There are a couple of very outspoken and sometimes quite rude non religious posters, but for the most part Christians are in the majority.

Even when a fully paid up churchgoer I found being 'prayed for' uncomfortable so I'd find anyone who foisted it on me unasked now infuriating.

Just as an aside a prayer meeting would quite often seem to be more of a gossip session as details of illnesses and other personal stuff got held up before d'lawd. I know for a fact confidential details that people hadn't wanted or expected to be shared indiscriminately were. Not a fan.

What is the content of the prayer?

If it is a general wish for good n your life then I think that’s OK. It’s equivalent to thinking of you and wishing you well.

If it is a prayer that you mend your ways, find god and are saved from vice, then it’s pretty offensive as it is, fundamentally, a judgement of your lifestyle and beliefs. Give her a copy of Richard Dwarkins The God Delusion for Christmas.

If you are a Christian, how would you feel if a Jew or Muslim etc was to say they are paying for you?

I am, and I would think they must really care about me to take time out of their day to pray for me. I'd be touched. Especially in a world where people seem to have less and less time to give others the time of day.

Anyway Matthew 6:5

OP - it would be controlling (and futile) to tell your Mum whether or not she can pray for you. You could reasonably ask her not to tell you though if you find it disturbing.