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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much one-on-one time you spend with your child/children a day?

46 replies

Sammylou018 · 22/04/2019 07:39

My husband and I have been having this debate for a long time. In an average day, how many minutes/hours would you say you spend with your kids playing, on the floor totally engaged, or reading books or at a playground etc, giving them undivided attention?? Just did some googling as we were talking about it breakfast again, and there was a study from Oxford which said that dads spend an average of 32-36 minutes quality time a day (up from 8 minutes in 1975) and mums 51-86 minutes or something (they didn't specify if working or not!) But I'd be really interested to know, in all honesty, how long you spend giving your kids undivided attention. Because I never feel like what I offer is enough, no matter how long I play, our three-year-old will always want more, and then I feel really guilty for getting up and going off to do housework or send an email or even go to the bloody loo!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 22/04/2019 07:44

I have no idea really but at the weekend we are usually out and about for a few hours each day doing stuff - country walks, picnics, bike rides, going to the beach- so I guess that’s sort of special time. When we’re home to be totally honest we all sit on our iPhones and iPads playing games or whatever else and chat to each other at the same time (we all sit in the same room) - I’ll pop off and do chores from time to time or clean etc. Dd is 16 and ds is 6.

Original poster

Sammylou018 · 22/04/2019 07:46

Just to add, we are both definitely way above what that study found...for example when we added it up my husband plays with the kids from 6am til he goes to work at 8am, then as soon as he's home he's on the floor playing again, then stories at bed etc, so probably 3.5 hours per weekday!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sammylou018 · 22/04/2019 07:48

(The debate is always that I think it's too much and that kids need to learn to play by themselves too...my poor DH is knackered feeling he has to play with them all the time and I'm forever telling him it's ok to go get a coffee and take a break!)

OP posts:

Prigles101 · 22/04/2019 07:51

Sammy, I work Monday to Friday so time is very limited. I have two children, a 3 years old and an almost 1 year old ( she will be one next week ).

I am very selfish and possessive of the time I spend with them. I wake up early or in the middle of the night to do my chores so I can get time with them. During the week, I spend one hour in the morning alone with the baby, and one hour alone at night.
I spend one hour alone with the toddler and again one hour alone in the evening.
The rest of the time, they are both playing together and I am close by. A few times a week, we go out for a walk, baby in buggy, toddler in scooter after dinner, before bedtime.
On Saturdays, toddler and I spend a few hours, just the two of us, we go out and have lofs of activities and fun. On Sundays, we go out the 4 of us as a family. On weekends, I have more 121 time with them compared to weekdays

Underhisi · 22/04/2019 08:04

I have an older severely disabled child so one of us is with him all the time he is not at school or asleep and we are generally both there at weekends. He doesn't want direct engagement with other people for more than a few minutes at a time but I am with him, chatting about what I am doing or what is happening around him for large periods of the day or supporting him or intervening with things.

ethelfleda · 22/04/2019 08:36

Not enough. My DS is 18months and I spend very litttle time with him. My DH spends more time with him playing while I cook and clean up after dinner etc
I’m a pretty crap mum to be honest as I don’t know how to spend time with him!

Jinglejanglefish · 22/04/2019 08:39

Lots much she is only 6 months so I'm with her most of the day.

Girlicorne · 22/04/2019 08:41

I ve been on leave over the easter holidays and we ve been out all day every day for at least 8 hours so they ve had 8+ hours a day the last couple of weeks, same at the weekend in general but I d say very little in the week, they tend to do their own thing after school and we don't get in til gone 6 so not that long until bedtime. A bit of a chat and homework help if they need it, probably around 15-30 mins. Mine are 9 and 11.

CalamityJune · 22/04/2019 08:52

When not working, i'm with DS most of the day. He goes in his playpen with cbeebies on when i'm cooking or doing housework though. I'm not always specifically playing with him though. I notice he concentrates on one task longer if there isn't an adult there talking to him about it all the time, so it's nice to just let him crack on.

RiddleyW · 22/04/2019 08:55

I only have one. I spend an hour with him before work and 1.5-2 after work then all day undivided adoration Saturday and Sunday. It doesn’t feel like enough to me really, I’m a bit cheered that I’m hitting averages even on working days.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 08:58

Less than 20 mins I imagine. I work ft, she does lots of activities and we have lots of family Days out etc but I am not good at the whole getting down on the floor playing thing.

Harleyisme · 22/04/2019 08:59

I spend alot of time with mine. I don't work though and 2 have sen so need lots of interaction and play.
My dh doesn't spend anytime with them as he seems to think his only job is to work. He litreally works then does what ever he wants to do as he says he deserves him time. I still haven't had a answer on where i get me time.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 09:01

You have to carve out me time by spending less time with your child. There isn’t a magic other way to get it

Harleyisme · 22/04/2019 09:02

I can't just spend less time with them they need constant supervision due to there sen

mossyroundhill · 22/04/2019 09:04

I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. Our quality time together is, to me, a trip out, so to soft play, the park, a walk etc.
At home, I would rather let them play together or bumble about by themselves. I think it's better for children to play independently and come to me if they need me rather than me hovering or influencing how they play.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 09:05

Your partner has to do that constant supervision though. Evenings and weekends?

Underhisi · 22/04/2019 09:06

You can't spend less time with a child who needs you always there although of course both parents should be doing their bit.

Harleyisme · 22/04/2019 09:07

Thats the point my partner wont do it.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 09:09

I don’t ask- just do it. Get up on Saturday morning and go out for the morning! Why should you ask for babysitting like a single parents getting a favour from a grandparent or something? You’re an autonomous adult, he’s their father, he’s responsible for them.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 22/04/2019 09:12

Well isn't that a ridiculous question? Surely it depends on the age of the child, whether you work, how many children you have, whether any of them have additional needs? I currently spend every waking minute with DS other than when I shower, he's not quite five months old and DH works, so how could that be any different? When DH is at work I'm with him, when DH isn't at work we do things as a family. I'm not just going to plonk him in front of a TV. DH is with him all the time when he's not at work, you'd probably say that was too much.
If he was 15 and I was still spending every waking minute with him it would be very odd. When I go back to work he'll have to spend time at nursery and with grandparents, but I will always give him the most amount of time I'm able to, maybe your DH feels the same.

Ultimately it's up to your DH how much time he spends with his children, I know people who put their baby in a swing or sleepyhead most of the day and watch TV, I choose not to, I'd rather spend time with DS and go out and do things. It seems a bit odd that you're trying to control his interactions to be honest.

SoupDragon · 22/04/2019 09:15

I have teenagers. For most of the day I am barely aware they are there.

gamerwidow · 22/04/2019 09:18

I don’t think you can give kids too much attention. That being said youre not their prisoner either and if stuff needs to get done then it needs to get done.
DD is 8 so spends more time on her own now but even this morning I’ve spent 30 minutes listening to her showing me what she’s doing on ROBLOX while I had my morning coffee. I don’t spend hours of structured time with her and I work as well but if she wants to tell me something or play a game then unless I’m doing something important I’ll stop what I’m doing and give her my full attention. They need you for such a short space of time. It won’t be long before she’s sitting in her bedroom avoiding me as a teenager.
So on work days probably only 90 mins full attention but when I’m not working as much as she wants. Sometimes this is only an hour sometimes it’s most of the day.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/04/2019 09:19

I guess it’s quality time though zippy which is outside the usual care and just doing things for them. When I make my daughter supper that isn’t quality time. Quality time is bedtime stories, 121 play, talking about your day etc.

I do agree though teenagers are unlikely to want to spend much quality time and the difference in time spent between a 6 month old and 8 year old is immense

alittleprivacy · 22/04/2019 09:20

I'm a single parent with a single child so that has it's own particular dynamic as it brings degree of "partnership" into the relationship from a very early age. DS and I do a huge amount of things together but depending on the activity our interaction ebbs and flows, mostly according to his need for me. We share a number of hobbies and do them together but while I'm available to him and we spend plenty of time together, we also spend a lot of time just doing our own thing in the vicinity of each other. I'm available to him when he wants/needs me but we both spend time with our own friends or working on our goals just giving each other a thumbs up or well done when we have a success, letting each other know that we're aware of each other even when we're not technically 1 on 1, if that makes sense. DS is 6, so obviously his independence is much higher than a preschoolers and he is much more capable of interacting fully with his peers.

gamerwidow · 22/04/2019 09:22

time spent between a 6 month old and 8 year old is immense
It really is. DD is an only so I spent a lot of time playing with her when she was younger. Now I’ll say do want to do something with me and she’ll say ‘not now mum I’m on my tablet’

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