To ask how much one-on-one time you spend with your child/children a day?

[Sammylou018]

My husband and I have been having this debate for a long time. In an average day, how many minutes/hours would you say you spend with your kids playing, on the floor totally engaged, or reading books or at a playground etc, giving them undivided attention?? Just did some googling as we were talking about it breakfast again, and there was a study from Oxford which said that dads spend an average of 32-36 minutes quality time a day (up from 8 minutes in 1975) and mums 51-86 minutes or something (they didn't specify if working or not!) But I'd be really interested to know, in all honesty, how long you spend giving your kids undivided attention. Because I never feel like what I offer is enough, no matter how long I play, our three-year-old will always want more, and then I feel really guilty for getting up and going off to do housework or send an email or even go to the bloody loo!

Do you mean one-on-one time or just time actively engaging and playing with the kids? Because the title and the op seem to be asking two different things. Not being pedantic, it's just my answer is very different depending on which one you mean.

This seems like a bit of an odd argument to have...isn't he just parenting how he feels he should? And so are you?

Sorry, ignore me 😁

mine are grown up now, but when little I'd spend all day entertaining them as I saw it as my job. My dh was the same when he had the kids.
My dd is a teen and we spend all our time together when she is at home as she is a boarder. It's far more time at home than school though.

I'm on holiday in the UK with my two boys (7 &5) and I've been with them every day and I'm already feeling anxious about them going back to school and not seeing them for most of the day.

DH and I both work full time so I guess we spend maybe an hour each morning before school drop off, then probably 3.5 hours each evening after we collect from school at 5pm until bedtime.

Weekends are spent getting them out and about but we live in a hot country so always at the beach or swimming in the pool. I'm very conscious to let them have time to themselves to "be bored" so they learn how to keep themselves amused too.

Very little - we spend lots of time together but there’s 3 kids so when I’m on the floor I’m playing with all of them. I don’t spend much time on the floor playing though, I prefer playing board games or cards or football or an actual game rather than pretend games (they’re playing animal wars at the moment... I’m sat on the sofa letting them get on with it).
I take them out often enough, I think that at home they should be able to entertain themselves while I cook/clean/ignore them and read a book

no matter how long I play, our three-year-old will always want more
Well of course they do you’re their most favourite person in the world. If you have to stop to cook the dinner, have a cup of coffee, put a load of washing on etc. then you shouldn’t feel guilty though.

Literally all day, apart from the two days I work, then the grandparents do it. I have absolutely no spare time at all; too busy playing with dolls in scenes my toddler has set up for me so she can watch. It’s getting worse too!

DH spends probably an average of 30 minutes a day, and certainly not every day.

I work FT but am fortunate in that I'm senior enough to manage my own work timetable. I condense my work and all client meetings into Mon-Thurs so that I can spend time with DS on Fridays (I am on call and available via email on my phone if and catch up on the Fri evening if needed). After dropping DD to school we go to a little coffee shop and then an activity. I take DD to an activity on Saturdays and then we spend the afternoon together. Sundays I'm usually catching up with household admin in the AM so DP takes them out in the morning and we do family stuff in the afternoon.

I do agree that they need to self direct their own play so I tend to let them get on with it when they are playing at home or in the park and don't directly interact too much. DD and I read together for about 30mins every evening though. They are currently playing together now with a train set in the front room and will hopefully play nicely for the next hour or so.

It can’t be quality time if it’s all day. That’s just spending all day together. Quality time is something different

I do agree that they need to self direct their own play
Do you expect them to play with each other or play by themselves though?
I think self directed play is a lot easier with siblings than with an only.

I think people get themselves too worked up about the quality of the time they spend with their children.

For me, the "quality" is in how much of my attention I give them when they come to me. What I mean is that if DS1 has spent time drawing a picture and he comes to show me, how much do I actually stop, look at what he's drawn and ask him questions or show interest.
Time at home is often rushed and its often easy to give cursory attention without really being "present" so for me, I judge myself on how much "present" time I spend with them, not the time on the clock.

I'd say around 1.5 hours on the days we work.

Weekends way more, practically the whole day either playing in the house/garden or we're out and about doing things.

I would love it if my four yr old would play more by themselves!

^^ that’s exactly it stroke- it’s about the conversations and listening, and your full attention, not just spending time together. I find quality time is often in small snatches of the day- a minute or two here and there

gamer - oh completely agree it's probably easier when there is a sibling. It's one of the reasons we had DC2 to be honest That said, I've read lots of threads on here where parents who have an only child (by choice) comment that there are no issues with their child playing on their own and directing their own play. I'd always thought one child would take up a lot more of my time than two as I'd need to interact more with an only perhaps that's not the case.

Also while I think of it, I have 3 older siblings who were almost teens when I was born so kind of grew up like an only child. I think I was quite happy playing on my own and to this day I love doing 'group' things on my own (theatre, visiting other cities etc).

During the week when I'm working, very little. Probably 30 mins with the 5 year old when I get in during bath/bedtime & more with the baby once 5 year old is in bed. At the weekend we all spend time as a family, we're usually out the house for at least a couple of hours walking in parks or woods so we talk and play then but I talk to OH too so it's not 100% undivided? 🤷 I could do more. I'm not really a get on my hands and knees play kind of mum but chatting and reading, walks in the park and playing football with them, I can do.

I'm a sahm, besides school I'm with them all the time. I'm not brilliant at playing...but I don't berate myself for that. They have each other to play with and I think parents playing with their dc is a pretty modern concept. I doubt women in the olden days did this.

Having said that, I read with them, play board games and do baking sometimes as well as going out often.

Quite frankly, I'm not going to spend every minute of the day engaged in imaginary play or doing lego...i have housework, cooking, laundry etc to do.

With teenagers it's not called playing, it's banter.
We can spend hours on that :).

Oh sheesh, kids traditionally followed their parents around & worked with them rather than 'played'. Anyway, my 2 youngest (11 & 14) have blown off my offer of beach walk to get chips & ice cream today, so looks like I've got a green light to go cycling by myself.

Well, I tried.

we live a different life to majority of people as we(2 adults)are 24 hour carers and 24 hour home educators so spend all of our time as a family of 4

ive also followed the attachment parenting route for the last 14 years

boys are 14 and 8 and need a carer each due to many complex disabilities each

youngest still sleeps with me and oldest has nightly supervision via dad

days we do crafts,educational day trips,many trips/activities per week as a family of 4

so to answer the question majority of each day

I've got a different take on it really.

I have 3 kids and work 3days. I am therefore with them a lot but school aside always all 3of them unless rare occasions. I also don't play with them a lot they play with each other. If we are in I might play boardgames, or read to thr littler and I take them swimming, cycling etc but I don't mcuh get involved in their games.

On a work day probably not enough, we walk to/from nursery and tend to chat/play on the way, so thats 30 minutes. When we get home it’s a case of cooking and eating, where possible he helps (so hinders!), we eat together. We normally have enough time to have 30 minutes of play before bath, story and bed. So really only about an hour on a work day.

Non-working days are different, on Friday mornings we do breakfast in bed and watch dinotrucks for about half an hour. We then play for about an hour, usually lego, making playdough etc based on theraplay. We then go for a walk and for some lunch, if it isn’t raining we then play a bit of football/go to a playpark for 30-40 minutes. If it’s raining we tend to go to softplay for an hour.

When we get home it’s daddy’s break time! Then in the early evening we get the lego etc back out until it is time to cook dinner, then as it’s Friday we watch a dvd together and skip bath time. So about three hours of 1:1 time.

Saturday morning again a bit of TV in bed, again like friday get lego etc out and play together for about an hour, then he plays on his own until lunch time. After lunch we tend to go out and meet some of my friends somewhere so he is usually playing on his own/with other children. We tend to stay out until about 7, so then it’s bath, story and bed. So really only about an hour and a half of 1:1 time.

Sunday is football in the park together for about an hour, then when we get home we do about an hour of theraplay type things, then he gets an hour of telly time and is allowed to do his own thing until dinner. After dinner bath, story and bed. So at least two hours of 1:1 time.

We do have a bath together, and that’s quite nice 1:1 time as it’s something very calm to do together and a nice way to maintain and to continue to grow our bond.