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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DD doesn't want to spend time with us?

79 replies

UnsinkableRubberDuck · 21/04/2019 17:06

So my just turned 17 DD has arrived back home after a weeks holiday with school. During the week she messaged to ask if she could take the train to see her boyfriend (1 hour away) on Monday night (school re starts on Wednesday). I said of course.

A day later she messaged to ask if she could go Sunday night instead. I was a bit confused as I thought she was only coming back on Sunday so just asked what day she was back. No reply to that - message conversation moved onto something else.

She's just home now. Great to see her. We've all missed her. However she's said she's leaving to see the boyfriend this evening and will be back Tuesday afternoon.

I don't know what to do! I'm gutted! I assumed she'd want to catch up with us tonight. I'd planned to drive her to her boyfriends tomorrow. I explained this to her but she said 'but I've made plans...'.

I don't know what to do. I could refuse (she needs me to drive her to the station). She can see I'm unhappy about this (I was a bit teary when we were discussing it) and I really would hope she'd show some empathy. However I'm not going to be force her to stay. Just wish she would want to (or at least put on an act and pretend she does!). I'm assuming the best parenting approach is to let her go. She's almost and adult after all... 😢

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 21/04/2019 17:08

Personally I think you just need to accept she's almost an adult now and has her own life. I think it's great that she's independent as it means you have obviously done a great job parenting her to have instilled that in her.

GreenTulips · 21/04/2019 17:12

That and she’s missed her boyfriend - sorry but they grow up and shows what a good job you’ve done

She knows where to find you when she needs you

Original poster
UnsinkableRubberDuck · 21/04/2019 17:13

Thank you both! Don't feel like a great parent at the moment as I'm sat in the garden having a quiet cry! I didn't think they'd grow up that quick...!

OP posts:
bigchris · 21/04/2019 17:14

Yes you need to back off asap or she'll feel smothered, I bet you didn't want to hang out with your parents at that age instead of your boyfriend

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/04/2019 17:14

To be honest I think you’re only making problems for yourself if you talk about ‘letting’ your 17 year-old do this. In a few months’ time you have zero say anyway. Just keep things cordial.

bigchris · 21/04/2019 17:15

Have you got hobbies , get on well with her dad etc ?

NancyJoan · 21/04/2019 17:15

Oh, bless you. She's being a selfish ratbag, but she'll be back on Tues, and you can make her favourite dinner and have a catch up then.

teacherspet · 21/04/2019 17:21

I have this all the time with my dcs. You get used to it, I know they love me and am proud that I have brought up independent children. She will find time for you , I assume she lives with you, she presumably only has a limited amount of time she can spend with her boyfriend if he loves an hour away.

aprarl · 21/04/2019 17:23

She's been gone one week with her friends. It'll have flown by for her and she'll assume it has for you too. Tuesday is a blink of an eye away, it'll be here before you know it.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 21/04/2019 17:23

I’m like you. Struggling with this whole them moving away from me. I have to accept that he is doing his own thing. And doesn’t want to spend time with us. I didn’t when I was their age either. But. Yes it’s hard. They don’t see it as not spending time with u though. So try not to think of it in that way. They are just living their life. It’s just time to let go.

Cloverisover · 21/04/2019 17:27

Can't you drive her over today instead of tomorrow? Some of my my best DS catch ups are in the car - they can't escape!

Original poster
UnsinkableRubberDuck · 21/04/2019 17:28

Yes she lives with us. First year at 6th form college. First 'serious' boyfriend (since Oct last year). We live in the middle of nowhere so I do have to take her everywhere but she's learning to drive so I appreciate in a few months I'll have no say in when and where she goes!

Thank you for the advice about letting her be. It's just a little bit of me thinks she's being selfish and can't she just give us one evening?!

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 21/04/2019 17:33

Yes it's hard, especially as things do suddenly seem to change, rather than gradual, but they don't think like us. As a PP said, to them time goes by quicker, and it's all such fun.

PregnantSea · 21/04/2019 17:35

She's made plans to see her boyfriend. She'll have missed him much more than she missed you. It's normal, it means that she's growing into her own person and you've obviously done a good job as a mum.

You're entitled to have a little cry though. It's still sad when it happens Flowers

Stormy76 · 21/04/2019 17:41

She is being selfish, but teens are like that. Think back to when you were a teen, you must remember not wanting to hang around with your boring old parents. She is doing what every teen does, but when things go wrong with the boyfriend which is very likely given their age ..... she will have all the time in the world for you.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/04/2019 17:41

When you're that age you only think of the moment so it's on to the next exciting thing as soon as possible.
The best thing you can do is be easy going about these things or else she will grow to resent you and not be around at all.
Even if disappointed let it go and begin, as already said to have your own busy life so you hardly notice what she is doing.

DotForShort · 21/04/2019 17:43

When you were 17, would you have preferred to spend time with your boyfriend or your parents? I honestly think it's perfectly normal that she wants to be with her boyfriend. It doesn't mean that she lacks empathy or that there is anything wrong in your relationship. It just means she is experiencing a new stage of life and enjoying some freedom. She'll be back in a couple of days anyway. Please don't make her feel guilty for spending some time away from home.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/04/2019 17:45

It's just a little bit of me thinks she's being selfish and can't she just give us one evening?!

Maybe, but by that thinking, you're being quite selfish in asking.

She's 17. She feels secure at home and happy with her boyfriend. It'll level out in time. Make the most of the time that she is around.

I was the same at 17. At 28, I'm currently sat with my boyfriends parents playing cards and cooking Easter tea. We see them more now than they did when we started dating!

RedHelenB · 21/04/2019 17:48

You may end up surprised. My dd1 has been way more communicative and come home more often than I thought she would once she'd started uni. Seems there really us no place like home.

Original poster
UnsinkableRubberDuck · 21/04/2019 18:11

Arrrgghj! This parenting thing is so hard! Now she's upset that she's upset me! Saying she'll stay here this evening as I'm sad! I'm trying to take onboard your advice and telling her to go but ... it's all turned into a bit of a mess ☹️. Not the best homecoming for her! This inbetween child and adult bit is a lot harder than I expected.

OP posts:
Romax · 21/04/2019 18:12

Two words.

First love

sar302 · 21/04/2019 18:19

Very few 17 year olds are that interested in their parents! But I know I can round again in my early 20s. 35 now and still love
Spending time with them

sar302 · 21/04/2019 18:20

*came round

Lemoneeza · 21/04/2019 18:24

Teens are selfish and thoughtless a lot of the time. They don't mean to be, just how it is for now. You'll get crumbs every now and again. Try to to be too grateful. And don't take anything personally

BendydickCuminsnatch · 21/04/2019 18:25

You sound a lot like my best friend’s mum who even though all her kids are 25+ insists on family dinners, cries a lot, is openly disapproving of choices etc. It’s all a bit much really! I’m not trying to be rude but just don’t let this ‘letting go’ go on for years and years like she has 😄

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