That DD doesn't want to spend time with us?

[UnsinkableRubberDuck]

So my just turned 17 DD has arrived back home after a weeks holiday with school. During the week she messaged to ask if she could take the train to see her boyfriend (1 hour away) on Monday night (school re starts on Wednesday). I said of course.

A day later she messaged to ask if she could go Sunday night instead. I was a bit confused as I thought she was only coming back on Sunday so just asked what day she was back. No reply to that - message conversation moved onto something else.

She's just home now. Great to see her. We've all missed her. However she's said she's leaving to see the boyfriend this evening and will be back Tuesday afternoon.

I don't know what to do! I'm gutted! I assumed she'd want to catch up with us tonight. I'd planned to drive her to her boyfriends tomorrow. I explained this to her but she said 'but I've made plans...'.

I don't know what to do. I could refuse (she needs me to drive her to the station). She can see I'm unhappy about this (I was a bit teary when we were discussing it) and I really would hope she'd show some empathy. However I'm not going to be force her to stay. Just wish she would want to (or at least put on an act and pretend she does!). I'm assuming the best parenting approach is to let her go. She's almost and adult after all... 😢

You need to back off! How ridiculous she has seen you crying in the garden and now feels bad. That’ll make you really fun to be around now

Oh no op. She will of text the bf now “Sorry can’t come Mum’s crying 🙄.”
You’ve just made things a thousand times worse.

But she lives at home. Why does it need to be this one evening - why won’t you see her Tues-Fri?

Oh dear, you've put your DD in a no-win situation here OP. Drive her over to her BF. Don't guilt her into staying with tears, it's not going to help in the long run and you know where she wants to be tonight. Surely it's better to have her with you later in the week knowing she wants to be there.

It’s tough op, I feel for you.

Well the guilt tripping worked.

I have 7 children a mix of dcs and sdcs. All teenagers and early 20s. 16-23. This is absolutely normal OP !
I have instilled in them my belief that you spend time with your parents because you WANT to. I never want any of them to feel obligated. This comes from a mother who would cry when I went out ...
she is finding her freedom. It will be like this 17-21 ish . My 22/23 yr olds now come over and stay because they really want to be here.. which is really lovely and worth ten times the 'duty' of staying out because I want them here.

I can see why you're a bit upset, I would be too but I think you'll just have to accept she's growing up and at the stage where her boyfriend and mates come first.

I've barely seen my DC (19 and 17) this weekend. I'm a single parent so it does feel a bit lonely, especially seeing other people have get together a with their family. But they're having a great time, so trying to stay positive. It's hard when they grow up.

Whilst I empathise, I think getting teary when she lives with you and will be back on Tuesday is a little OTT. Now you’ve made her feel bad and you’re both feeling shit. Having a cry in the garden is really unfortunate. If you’re going to get upset, could you not keep it quiet so she isn’t made to feel shit or do you think that’s a decent lesson for her (maybe it is, hopefully she’ll actually take your feelings into consideration from now on)?

I’d drive her to the station tonight OP, regardless of how you feel. She’s going to feel a bit guilt tripped into staying now, and the more you act like this the more it will drive her away. She isn’t being selfish, she is almost an adult with a serious boyfriend and wants to see him. She will be home in 3 days, and then she will be with you.

Thank you all. This has been very helpful. I don't normally post but glad I did. I don't have anyone around who's children are similar ages so it's very good to get a reality check.

Despite the fact I obviously went through this myself with my own parents (many years ago ...😳) it all feels very alien to me but I'm trying to take onboard that she needs her space/life and I can't project my feelings onto her. I do feel crap about making her upset. I wouldn't have done it when she was a child, so why am I doing it now?! I'm finding it a fine line between trying to teach respect of peoples feelings and letting her make her own choices. She is a lovely girl and I am proud of her! God I'm going to be rubbish when she leaves home 😂.

Oh, and I've taken her to the station. She's on her way to see the boyfriend now. First love indeed 💘😄

Don't ever do that to her again

Good, well done. Maybe text her tomorrow and say you hope she's having a lovely time and what if you plan a nice meal or something for Tuesday evening so you can catch up together? The thing you need to learn from this is not to make assumptions but actually communicate and negotiate as adults together.

OP, you sound like a (slightly less insane) version of my mum, except she did this to me when I was 23 and called me a selfish cow when I could only visit her for a week rather than a month. I work a full-time job...

Don't turn into a guilt tripper.

So hard op, my dd is 19 and at uni and when shes due home and goes out instead, i just say enjoy and cry into my wine

Aww! Looking at my nearly 17 month old and feeling a bit sad in advance. But if it's any consolation, I absolutely adored my parents and would still have been straight off to my bf like a shot as soon as I got back, just like she is

Wait until she is 18 and goes to uni 350 miles away and then takes a job abroad during the summer. I think over the past three years I have seen DD2 about 3 or 4 times a year at most!

I have learned to accept my DDs are smart, independent young women who I raised to be that way and I congratulate myself instead of feeling sad.

Well done, OP. She does live with you so 10 days is nothing really You'll have a lovely catch up later in the week.

Oh for the love of God OP, you need to stop this right now. It sounds suffocating and emotionally manipulative - being upset that she made plans with her boyfriend, assuming what she was planning to do with her evening then getting upset and crying in the garden when she didn't adhere to that...back off or else this increasingly independent young woman is going to back away from you herself.

It sounds really exhausting to have to take your upset, fragile mum's unstated expectations around your plans when you're a 17 year old missing her first boyfriend!

Next time, put a brave face on, act cool

Then listen to "slipping through my fingers"'and cry it out for a bit, when you're alone.

That's what I do (DC 14 and 16, who are just moving on so quickly)

It's bittersweet, but try to think about the sweet more than the bitter

When I was 17 I left the house Friday night and got home Sunday afternoon every weekend. That's when my social life happened really. It's normal but I only have the relationship with my parents where I want to hang out with them since I moved out at 19.

Some of these responses are a bit harsh! It's hard to keep that brave face on sometimes. I've had to bite my lip more than once and I can't say I've always been the cool mum.

Don't beat yourself up OP, she's still gone and she will be back. You're only bloody human!

They take us for granted but they love us. Your dd sounds like my dd

Just remember its fairly normal for mid teens to mid twenties to be pretty egocentric. It doesn’t make them bad people, and it doesn’t mean you can’t ask for consideration - but ultimately its normal to prioritise impulsive and immediate wants at this age rather than think of others. Definitely time to adjust to living your own life to the full though.