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AIBU?

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Original poster

That DD doesn't want to spend time with us?

79 replies

UnsinkableRubberDuck · 21/04/2019 17:06

So my just turned 17 DD has arrived back home after a weeks holiday with school. During the week she messaged to ask if she could take the train to see her boyfriend (1 hour away) on Monday night (school re starts on Wednesday). I said of course.

A day later she messaged to ask if she could go Sunday night instead. I was a bit confused as I thought she was only coming back on Sunday so just asked what day she was back. No reply to that - message conversation moved onto something else.

She's just home now. Great to see her. We've all missed her. However she's said she's leaving to see the boyfriend this evening and will be back Tuesday afternoon.

I don't know what to do! I'm gutted! I assumed she'd want to catch up with us tonight. I'd planned to drive her to her boyfriends tomorrow. I explained this to her but she said 'but I've made plans...'.

I don't know what to do. I could refuse (she needs me to drive her to the station). She can see I'm unhappy about this (I was a bit teary when we were discussing it) and I really would hope she'd show some empathy. However I'm not going to be force her to stay. Just wish she would want to (or at least put on an act and pretend she does!). I'm assuming the best parenting approach is to let her go. She's almost and adult after all... 😢

OP posts:
TreadingThePrimrosePath · 21/04/2019 20:48

Do you have other children? Because as the oldest child, it was a bugger being the first to do stuff and deal with parents, and then seeing the others swan through without a fight. Grin

Rafabella8 · 21/04/2019 20:49

Wow @mondaylisasmile how harsh of you. OP's DD is 17 not 27. Give her a break, this is all new to her. Her DD will be fine and so will OP. This is a period of adjustment.

Rafabella8 · 21/04/2019 20:52

@UnsinkableRubberDuck As one of my closest friends keeps reminding me - let them go - they always find their way back.

mondaylisasmile · 21/04/2019 21:10

What is so selfish or egocentric about making social life plans at 17 years old rather than meet unstated expectations from your mum?

I'm genuinely struggling to see how the DD is being selfish or egocentric here re: how she uses her free time/makes plans about her own life.

HBStowe · 21/04/2019 21:13

At 17 it’s prime time for her pulling away. But she will come back to you! Just accept that she’s in the midst of really living her life and doing her own thing at the moment, and will benefit from some freedom. It doesn’t mean she’s never going to want to hang out with you again.

TapasForTwo · 21/04/2019 21:22

I don't think mondaylisa was being harsh. Unfortunately I do know some suffocatingly clingy parents. Their DC are at university and haven't bothered coming home for Easter, then will be moving into their next year's accommodation in June. They don't want to ever live at home again.

I can't wait for DD to go to university. She took a gap year, and is bored and lonely at home.

RedPanda2 · 21/04/2019 21:28

You're allowed to be sad, but don't make her feel guilty for having a life. My mum would be awful when she wasn't priority. She thought I should spend time with her rather than my friends. I don't want to upset you but I'd rather be having sex than seeing my mum...

BackforGood · 21/04/2019 21:45

YABU to make her feel bad about wanting to go and see her boyfriend. You are being completely OTT to be crying about it Hmm

TapasForTwo · 21/04/2019 21:56

Why do some parents struggle to accept that their children are growing up and want more independence?

Surely it mean that they have done a good job as parents?

One of the FB pages I am on is full of hand wringing parents (mostly mothers) bemoaning the fact that their children don't need them as much. I would be pretty upset if my 19 year old needed me as much as these women think their children should need them.

Citrina · 21/04/2019 22:06

I can understand why you cried; you've missed her and wanted to hear all about the trip (which I anticipate you paid for - so an hour or two of quality time to hear about it feels like fair dos!).
Don't feel guilty about crying - it's all new phase for you, the realisation that this parenting thing is almost complete. You sound like a lovely, caring mum!
I'm in exactly the same phase as you are - it's hard. I'm wary of smothering my younger DC as all that mothering instinct has to go somewhere!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/04/2019 22:19

Personally I think you just need to accept she's almost an adult now and has her own life. I think it's great that she's independent as it means you have obviously done a great job parenting her to have instilled that in her.

I was thinking the same thing. It's hard on parents, but it shows that she's building a life of her own, which is a good thing.

My DD (nearly 14) is coming home from a 9-day school trip tomorrow. She's texted a few times but has clearly not missed us Grin. I doubt she'll be too bothered when she gets home either, more interested in her friends than us!

It's honestly the age, I wasn't interested in my family mid-teens, but I appreciated them more when I went to university.

mcmen71 · 21/04/2019 22:30

Thinking of you op ypu where looking forward to seeing your dd and feel she putting bf first but im sure she not trying to hurt you she just in love.
I have a 15 year old and she would rather be with her bf than her family and I have a good cry most weeks and she is only out for couple hours dont know what Ill be like when she moves out.

Elloduckie · 21/04/2019 22:38

To sound like an old school fart- you allowed a teen, because that's what she is a teen to sleepover at her bf home. Like when did that become acceptable???? You deprioritised your home when you allowed her to do adult things when she's not an adult. Legally you're still responsible for her. Why is she in some other person's home to begin with. And you're crying over the fact that she doesn't want to spend time. Who is the adult here?

TowerRavenSeven · 21/04/2019 22:39

Hehe we just picked up ds at the airport as he was away since Tuesday, he’s 17.5. We missed him at Easter mass for the first time in 17 years. When he got off the plane he glanced at us then looked away and went over to say goodbye to all his friends like he’d never see them again.
Dh and I laughed and said maybe he should ask one of them for a ride home as he clearly wasn’t bothered we were there at all! So I feel your pain but I’m not taking it personally.

Ohyesiam · 21/04/2019 22:45

It sounds tough op, but can’t you remember what your first love was like?
Dull old always-present parents are never going to live up to the passion and excitement of someone who has the hots for you.

poglets · 21/04/2019 22:49

Sorry, you now being visibly upset because she has other plans looks like emotional blackmail. It is really not okay.

Give her space to miss you. And also, fill your life. If you want to spend time with your DD, make a plan with her - like you'd treat another adult. Don't fail to communicate what you'd like then become upset when your needs aren't met. She is basically an adult: treat her as such.

Weathermonger · 21/04/2019 22:51

My daughter (now 21) was the same at that age, and I would be quietly upset at how much time she wanted to spend away from home, we had a good relationship and I didn't understand it. Four years on, she now lives away from home, but when she does visit (frequently) she wants to spend the time with us, instead of her friends. Give her the space now, and I'm sure she will appreciate you even more for it later.

TapasForTwo · 22/04/2019 06:40

mcmen you cry when your daughter wants to go out for a couple of hours? Please don't let your DD see you do this.

I mean this kindly, but you need to find something else to fill your time. You shouldn't be feeling redundant as a mother. And please don't guilt trip her into staying at home with you.

Mistigri · 22/04/2019 07:27

She sounds like a very normal teen but it's also normal for parents to miss their children when they are away Smile

BlueSkiesLies · 22/04/2019 07:30

I saw a very apt meme the other day. Can’t find it to link to but it basically said:

Me at 17: Go away mum, I don’t need you, stop bothering me, I have my own life now!

Me at 25: Hi mum, so what are you doing? Oh, you’re at work and busy, ok I’ll call back later, love you, bye!

Michelle5234 · 22/04/2019 07:46

I’m in a similar situation and it really hurts so I feel for you. This whole “children turning into adults” thing is so painful. Ultimately we are adults and we have to make logical decisions and get over the hurt whilst not letting it impact them. They need to fly the nest without worrying about the hurt it causes. My tactic is just to be busy - less time to think about it. Hope you’ll feel ok soon.

mookinsx · 22/04/2019 07:52

My parents didn't let me go see DP. So I moved out. Don't chain her down or make her feel guilty. Make sure she knows how welcome her bf is in your home
It could just be another bf or he could be the one

Whisky2014 · 22/04/2019 07:56

UnsinkableRubberDuck

Arrrgghj! This parenting thing is so hard! Now she's upset that she's upset me! Saying she'll stay here this evening as I'm sad!

Sorry but this is the kind if shit my mum used to pull, actually still does but I see it for what it is now. Emotional guilt tripping. Pathetic.

Whisky2014 · 22/04/2019 07:57

Meant to tag on the bit about you sitting outside crying...

happystrummer · 22/04/2019 08:50

Let them go and they come back. :) Mine was like that at that age. Felt like I barely saw him some times. Now 25 and he's always on the phone for a chat and popping round

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