AIBU to wonder about people who don't stop talking

[whitebedlinen]

NC for this post.

I wanted to know if anyone could provide some insight on people who literally do not stop talking, mainly about themselves.

In the last two days I have had two encounters with people like this. One was with a friend I met up with for dinner and the other was a woman I met at the gym. Both of these women talked AT ME non stop about themselves/their lives/their families incessantly (I'm talking 3-5 minute speeches at a time with no pause) before then eventually asking me a question which I'd barely be given time to answer before it would serve as an opportunity for them to talk about themselves again.

Both of these women (my friend in particular) are good and kind people and seem to know what other people (mutual friends etc) are doing with their lives. But I do wonder how on Earth they know anything about anyone else when they don't give anyone the chance to talk! Or am I just boring and therefore only suitable to be a soundboard and not actually listened to?

I am a naturally good listener and empathise a lot so tend to attract those with a lot to get off their chest (have spent many nights sitting in a corner of a bar with the person with a lorry load of problems). But I'd love to understand these types of characters (non stop talkers) a bit more.

Any insight?

Oh, yes.

I have a friend who is lovely and funny, but she sucks all the oxygen out of a conversation with her talk of her children. It is actually quite hard to nod and smile for an entire evening, it's sort of like sitting in a weird position for too long.

I converse with people in the usual/polite way, i.e. what's going on, how was your holiday, how are your kids, I love your jumper where'd you get it, and these kinds will absolutely never reciprocate, they're too old to learn.

I don't have any advice, other than I do find it amusing to say something like 'What did Joshua do next?' after a 20 minute overview of what little Joshua has been up to.

My mum does this, it's like verbal diareah and very annoying

Oh my goodness @AlaskanOilBaron yes! In the restaurant I was at with my friend, I was sat nodding and smiling politely for so long I am sure that the table behind my friend were staring at me! Rather than it being a 50:50 conversation it was definitely 95:5. Like your friend she is so lovely, I just wonder when she does go on about the life story of a person I've never even met- how she knows anything about anyone as no one has the chance to talk with her!

I did LOL at your suggestion- maybe I'll give that a go

@Ilovemysleepthief my mum is pretty much the same. Any meeting with my mum starts with the first 20 minutes of her ranting on before she will even ask how I am.

I know someone a bit like this this. We went to a school information event and she literally whispered to someone all the way through it.

My sister interrupts constantly I just keep talking now.

These people aren't lovely though- they are normally selfish and can't be bothered to listen to others. And when you start talking, they are itching to get the next word in. 😂
I recently went to a conference and initially sat next to someone with the worst example of this I've ever seen- like a wall of sound. Even when people started to ignore her/ look at their phones, she kept going on.

I have a friend like this. At family gatherings they all talk at once, and they seem to be able to follow what everyone else is saying. I had dinner with the whole family once and friend, mum, dad and sister just all talked over each other. They did stop to listen when I occasionally said things. But then they all replied at once. I was exhausted but they seemed to be used to it!

With my dad, it's to mask the fact that he's actually quite nervous is social situations. He dominates the conversation and hates silence. When I manage to get him one-to-one at my house, he relaxes and it's possible to have a decent conversation with him.

He also asks people to repeat themselves, not because he is deaf, but to give himself time to think of an answer. This annoyed me so much that eventually I pointed this out to him, and now refuse to repeat myself.

Oh yes, I have found this exhausting too! I’m so intrigued to know why they do it and has it been a life long thing or just developed in adulthood? I know that my mother would have come down on me like a ton of bricks when I was child if I kept making too much noise or interrupted adults.
Hence, I am a good listener but maybe a bit too quiet sometimes, which could be perceived as boring! I know in my workplace the loud gregarious members of staff are always the most popular!

I used to know someone at my local toddler group who would monologue at me regularly. Usually about something miserable.
She was a very kind lady, but I personally found her utterly exhausting.

I was only thinking this the other day. I'm fairly coy of friendships and people. Social stuff tends to drain me as I get older. A lot of women my age i find like this and if I'm honest it completely drains me. I don't know where people get the energy to talk so much! I don't mind people talking about themselves. It's not the subject that bothers me. It'd just incessant non stop talking. Maybe I'm socially abnormal but too much chatting really grates on me!

I know someone else who doesn't this its like they don't know how to weave a conversation. They talk, then others chip in and they then talk again but don't pick up on anyone's points.

I avoid these people. They give me a headache and I still haven't met a single talker who talks about anything remotely interesting to me.

Yes I have a friend like this. Turns every conversation back to them, usually by comparing to themselves but if not will invent a hypothetical situation. When I had DC they visited and asked me about my labour and what had happened, it was completely different to theirs so because they couldn’t talk directly about themselves they interrupted and spoke about a similar situation they’d seen on TV, in detail for about 10mins. It’s just so they can keep talking. I think it can be a sign of insecurity.

Your stories all resonate with me a lot and it's reassuring to know I'm not alone! I am actually a funny and insightful person (I think!) but spending time with people like this makes me think I'm boring and therefore need to be talked "at".

It's physically draining as one of you has rightly said. I returned home from dinner and pretty much fell into my husbands arms when I got home as I felt so tired and I know it will be a while before I can build myself up to see this friend again.

People are funny eh?

My mum does this. Perhaps because of that, sometimes when I'm very anxious I can hear myself going on and on, it's awful! Normally I'm somewhere in the middle, maybe a bit quieter because I'm usually trying to keep an eye on at least 2 children and don't have energy left for speaking.

If the talkative people do actually know about others, they're not necessarily self absorbed. My mum chats a lot, but also really listens when people talk and always remembers their kids/dogs/birthdays etc. My dad on the other hand is very quiet and seems like a good listener, but remembers nothing as his mind is just drifting.

Sometimes it feels on MN that there's a bit of an introvert superiority complex, just because people are quiet doesn't mean they're listening and just because they're chatty doesn't mean they're selfish.

I work with a lady like this and it’s exhausting! A lot of times I’m talking about the work thing we are doing, she buts in and so I’ll just keep going as it’s important, we then are both talking as I’m trying to make a point! As long as you say the odd hmm or really she literally doesn’t stop- I think it’s nerves as she is older coming back into work environment x

Yes I have a friend like this. Turns every conversation back to them, usually by comparing to themselves but if not will invent a hypothetical situation. When I had DC they visited and asked me about my labour and what had happened, it was completely different to theirs so because they couldn’t talk directly about themselves they interrupted and spoke about a similar situation they’d seen on TV, in detail for about 10mins.

Sweet jesus.

My mum does this now she’s older and is completely unable to do the ebb and flow of conversation and just says whatever comes into her head whether you’re talking about something else entirely or not.
It drives my DD mad because we’re quite often having a conversation and DM will barge in over the top with something completely irrelevant. I think she’s got the beginnings of dementia though so it’s not really her fault.

I do this.....I try not too because I know why I do it. I try not too though.... constantly.
I was never given attention/listened to as a child. No adult ever asked how I was , how my day at school went, etc.
I was loved and cared for just not nurtured.

Some people are very chatty but very good conversationalists. My grandmother was one of these - knew everything about everyone but had a manner of telling you all these things, even about people you only knew tangentially (or not at all) that drew you in, with plenty of opportunities for comment and taking the conversation in a different direction. She was also interested to listen to stories of others. So she talked a lot, but she was not exhausting to spend time with, in fact the opposite.

Some people are non-stop talkers who are terrible conversationalists. My MIL I am afraid to say is one of these. She is a perfectly kind and lovely person, but the "conversation" is one-way and relentless - it's the waiting to speak again and relate it back to herself/her experience in some way immediately, and the lack of awareness that the person she's talking to is bored that are difficult. She'll also hardly ever ask about or after us/our family/people we know - even not asking about what the grandchildren have been up to - only if she's talked about everything else possible first. She's like this with everyone. It is draining and then you feel bad about feeling that way about her.

Both my MIL and my grandmother lived alone from late their 50s onward. But my gran was a very happy person, and my MIL is not. So I think it does come down to insecurity in some ways.

I have a family member like this. When my DH died, I was trying to comfort myself with the idea that he was still alive in spirit, (this was a couple of weeks after his death) She began telling me very loudly there was no life after death, and this was fact. It was far more important for them to opine on this than just listen to me.

I dread them ringing because they like to stay on the phone for an average of 2 hours(!), constant rapid talking about the same thing on repeat. Never, ever ask how i am, they know nothing about my life apart from the absolute bare bones because they never ask. I limit the calls to once a week because it got to the point where I felt they were just using me as a sounding board. I actually just put the phone down and let them ramble on to themselves now.

Yes it is down to insecurities.

I would agree it's definitely a lot to do with insecurities and lack of self awareness.

I'm definitely not an introvert but spending time with people like this makes me feel that I am, I think because in the end I give up on trying to talk and resign myself to nodding and wishing the meeting would end.

I think I probably do this. I'm autistic and not very good at reading social situations. I get extremely nervous and I tend to fill silences because they make me even more nervous.