AIBU to wonder about people who don't stop talking

[whitebedlinen]

NC for this post.

I wanted to know if anyone could provide some insight on people who literally do not stop talking, mainly about themselves.

In the last two days I have had two encounters with people like this. One was with a friend I met up with for dinner and the other was a woman I met at the gym. Both of these women talked AT ME non stop about themselves/their lives/their families incessantly (I'm talking 3-5 minute speeches at a time with no pause) before then eventually asking me a question which I'd barely be given time to answer before it would serve as an opportunity for them to talk about themselves again.

Both of these women (my friend in particular) are good and kind people and seem to know what other people (mutual friends etc) are doing with their lives. But I do wonder how on Earth they know anything about anyone else when they don't give anyone the chance to talk! Or am I just boring and therefore only suitable to be a soundboard and not actually listened to?

I am a naturally good listener and empathise a lot so tend to attract those with a lot to get off their chest (have spent many nights sitting in a corner of a bar with the person with a lorry load of problems). But I'd love to understand these types of characters (non stop talkers) a bit more.

Any insight?

'Fucking' lunatics ???????

My mum has never had a thought she didn’t articulate. I love her but my goodness it’s draining after the first hour of incessant talking about the minutiae.

As a naturally curious person I do love talking to people and learning about them.
I’m quiet by nature, introvert so people do talk at me a lot. I can go for a very long time without speaking a single word with lots of people.
I don’t think that the majority of my work colleagues even know that I have kids or a second job.

I listen but agree with op and many other posters about it being draining being talked at.
There are two types.
Those who talk incessantly because they are anxious or highly nervous, they settle down after a while and talk becomes more two way and inclusive. These folk are generally a joy to be friends with when you break through.
Then there are those who are just completely self absorbed and convinced that they are more important than anyone else. They over share, are manipulative and superior in their attitudes.
These are easily spotted and easily avoided.

My dad got like this when he retired. Instead of saying ‘I saw Sarah Jones, who you were at school with, at the train station yesterday. She’s working over in Birmingham now,’ you’d get:

‘Ooh, do you know, I woke up quite early yesterday and I thought, do you know, it’s a nice day, I’ll do some gardening. So I had a wash and got dressed and I was sitting having my toast thinking, I want to sort that shady area at the end of the garden.’
‘I went to have a look and I thought, ooh, need some clippers. Well, I went to the shed and the ones I bought last year were RUSTED! Completely! I thought, you daft bugger, you must have left them out overnight. So I found my wallet and keys, and I walked to the train station because I thought I’d go into town and replace them.’
‘Anyway, the train was delayed by ten minutes so I was sitting there, wishing I’d taken my book. And then this young woman comes over. I thought, she looks familiar, but I couldn’t place her. And she says ‘Are you Springs dad?’
‘And I says ‘Yes!’
‘And she says, ‘you don’t know me, do you?’
‘And I says, ‘I do but I can’t place your name!’
‘And she says, ‘it’s sarah Jones, I came to your springs birthday party when she was ten, I remember your big garden! Do you still live there?’
‘And I said ‘well no, I live in XXX most of the year but I do come back and I do like doing the garden so I’m just getting the train so I can go to B and Q.’
‘And she says ‘oh I used to work near there, but I’m getting the train into Birmingham now. I work there, just started last week.’

Arrghhhh.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons (love your name by the way!!)

I totally get what you say about your friend in particular. Mine is also similarly in a relationship with someone who is selfish and her friends are all very selfish... their friendship is all based around going out and getting blind drunk and not much support in between. So I feel like when I see her I get the verbal diarrhoea. Sometimes I'm more sympathetic than others, but I find our interactions draining so I tend to put them off as long as I can.

One of my friends did this. She phoned me on Christmas day and talked about herself. She then asked if my dd liked her presents and when I replied that my dd was at her dad's still so was having her presents from me when she came over in the afternoon, continued talking about how much my dd liked her presents and its nice for children to be with their real parents at Christmas? , did my dd like her presents its strange she would have thought that my dd would have liked her presents, why didn't she like her presents as she liked what I had bought for my dd so why didn't dd... Without a breath, ignored me trying to get a word in edgeways, despite her knowing that my dd was spending Xmas morning with her dad persisted in going on about these bloody presents and how much dd liked them... Baffled.

Like the time when she came over for coffee when she asked to see dd’s prom photo so I immediately showed her the framed photo on the wall and she went into one about I shouldn't have had it framed just to show her, a photo on my phone was enough, why didn't I have dd’s prom photo on my phone, didn't I take any photos, no need to ever have any photos framed just to show a friend, framed photos are showing off, just a photo on my phone would have done...

She was exhausting.

I actually finally blocked one ‘lovely’ friend. It was always “me.me.me’ every meet up was a 20 minute monologue then a ‘so how are you?’ But halfway through my first sentence she would interrupt and go on about herself again.
The final straw was when she texted and asked for a meet up and I replied I wasn’t well, had just been diagnosed with a chronic, life long (painful) condition and her reply was “I’m not well, I’m off work with a cold at the moment”. I didn’t bother to reply and just blocked her.

The other friend I have that monologues does at least give me a couple of minutes to talk in between but I have started seeing her less. It’s just exhausting being talked at.

People who talk a lot never realise that they talk a lot, no clue why. The glazed over eyes of their victims should be a big enough hint.

My mum has never had a thought she didn’t articulate

I work with a woman like that! Swear to God I know more about her family than my own. And if there is a gap she will recount the plot of a TV show she saw the night before. we have been working together for about 6 years and I bet she hardly knows anything about me.

I have a tendency to do this and I'm really self conscious about it as, even if I try not to do it, people constantly point it out. The problem is that I haven't always been like this, it started in my university days when I was completely crippled by depression and anxiety and - although I'm a little better with it and I make an effort not to - people still point it out. So I spend many of my social interactions trying to moderate my own behaviour and spend the days after going over my own idiocy in my head

Oh and I don't interrupt people/not listen, I just seem to have a need to fill silences. Ironically, on the occasions I am quieter, people are concerned and ask if I'm ok!

@TheGoddessFrigg I work with a couple of people like that (although our company has recently brought in hot desking so it means that you rarely sit next to the same person in a week!) but yes I wonder what the "talkers at" would say about me... (not to sound morbid!) but say if I died.

Would they say "oh yes, whitebedlinen, lovely girl kept herself to herself, think she lived a quiet life". When in actual fact I'm an adrenaline junkie who actually loves dance festivals!

Mind boggling.

I've got two friends like this! It drives me bananas. It's like they've not got that filter whereby you screen a story before telling it...

1. Will my listener be interested in this story?
2. Will my listener be interested in this particular detail or can I skip it?
3. How can I make this story shorter so i don't monopolise the conversation?

These skills should be taught at school 😁

@jacquesjacques All I'd say is if people feel comfortable enough to raise this with you, it might not be as bad as you think. With my friends who incessantly talk at me I don't even bother to raise it with them and just distance myself. So I'd say that people are probably aware you're a little anxious and are just trying to remind you of it. Xxx

@whitebedlinen thank you; that's really kind. I guess what I was trying to say is that it's not always because somebody is selfish or self obsessed, or has autism. And believe me I know plenty of the self obsessed kind and can totally relate to what everyone here is saying, I just really worry that it's what people think of me! X

I dread spending time with people like this. I have one friend in particular who is like this and I just stopped making such an effort with the relationship. We don't see each other much any more. There was always a drama, or always a long convoluted story about her partner and how she loved him but he wouldn't commit. There came a day when I was going through some tough stuff and I really would have liked to talk it through and she monologued for so long I realised I'd never be able to get out my problem. I haven't met for coffee with her since.

Mil was like this. If I said dc did xyz she would regale me with her talents. If someone was ill she was worse. Her sister lost it on one visit and to her listen for a change. Mil said she preferred people who talked and couldn’t see the issue. One day a programme came on (soap) which she said she knew she mustn’t talk through as she had been warned by my dh. She then talked through 10 minutes recollecting the conversation they’d had

Oh and it's not that you're boring. It's that your friend is boring because they have nothing useful to contribute to most discussions unless it's about them. I think that shows a serious lack of self awareness and interest in the outside world.

I know someine who is like this. A constant stream of irrelevant commentary on their life. You can even predict the order of mindless information. They walk into the office and EVERY day it goes like this, in exactly this order:

1. How awful/stressful their journey into work was with a list of what each car/bus driver/cyclist did wrong. Usually takes at least 15 minutes to give every last detail.
2. How well or how badly they slept and a list of reasons why. This takes about 10 minutes but is always brought up again later.
3. Illnesses and medication and a list of things they know more about than their gp or any specialist. With examples of disagreements they have had with said professionals.
4. A run down of the day's news stories and their opinion on each.
5. What they ate at the weekend
6. What they are having for lunch
7. A long story about what the dog did last night.
8. At least one example per day of bad customer service and minute detail about what they said to point this out.

At no stage does this person ever ask a question of anyone else or ask anyone else's opinion.
As my grandmother once told me "empty vessels make the most noise"

Is it a lack of self awareness for them? It’s interesting and I’d love to ask one of these people if I could get a chance

Is it a lack of self awareness for them? It’s interesting and I’d love to ask one of these people if I could get a chance

I would love to ask my friend why she does this, because she's actually very funny, smart, well-educated, neuro-typical, has a normal family (I've met them), has a nice husband and nice kids, and so on.

Every year I resolve to be more direct with people, this would be a good project for me, but I'm such a pathetic ninny I'll just carry on nodding and smiling.

I'm quiet and tend to be the listener. People that can talk incessantly fascinate me....I just don't know how they can keep it up and quite often they're not actually saying that much.

I used to do this due to really bad anxiety. The more relaxed I am the better listener I become. But I can always chat! Nerves seem to make me want to fill the space

I've just taken a massive step back from a friend because of this. She was always a talker, but it seems that over the past few years it has increased to the point of ridiculous. There are times when I would sit there and not say anything at all, and she never noticed. She would talk at me about her DH, DC, parents, friends … I never got a word in. She never asked me about my life, and if I ever actually tried to say something, she would interrupt. I think that was the worst bit - that she would actually interrupt what I was saying to bring the conversation back to her, then not even realise that she hadn't let me finish what I was saying. I'm done with it.

I'm another who works with a woman who never STFU. I know every thing about her children, their medical conditions, her family, her husband, etc etc
I doubt if she knows that I even have children.
I just avoid her now.

Can I have another go? I also had a friend like this. Once we were meeting another friend of hers, too. They were both the types that talked but never listened and the competition between them to try and hog the airwaves made me very uncomfortable indeed. You could see that whoever wasn't talking was just waiting with barely concealed impatience for any gap or slight pause in the monologue so that she could jump in. And the talker, instead of pausing when trying to think about how to phrase something, made a humming noise instead, so that the other one couldn't jump in.

I didn't even try to join in.