AIBU to wonder about people who don't stop talking

[whitebedlinen]

NC for this post.

I wanted to know if anyone could provide some insight on people who literally do not stop talking, mainly about themselves.

In the last two days I have had two encounters with people like this. One was with a friend I met up with for dinner and the other was a woman I met at the gym. Both of these women talked AT ME non stop about themselves/their lives/their families incessantly (I'm talking 3-5 minute speeches at a time with no pause) before then eventually asking me a question which I'd barely be given time to answer before it would serve as an opportunity for them to talk about themselves again.

Both of these women (my friend in particular) are good and kind people and seem to know what other people (mutual friends etc) are doing with their lives. But I do wonder how on Earth they know anything about anyone else when they don't give anyone the chance to talk! Or am I just boring and therefore only suitable to be a soundboard and not actually listened to?

I am a naturally good listener and empathise a lot so tend to attract those with a lot to get off their chest (have spent many nights sitting in a corner of a bar with the person with a lorry load of problems). But I'd love to understand these types of characters (non stop talkers) a bit more.

Any insight?

And the talker, instead of pausing when trying to think about how to phrase something, made a humming noise instead, so that the other one couldn't jump in

Oh god, I knew someone like that. A long drawn out aaaaaaahhh while she thought of something else. Incredible rude and self centred.

My MIl does this. I will say I don’t mind the talking quite as much (it’s just a constant stream of consciousness) as the fact that she’s clearly not listening to anything I/ anyone else says. She just looks at you blankly, clearly thinking of the next thing she wants to say/ waiting for the next opportunity to interrupt. God forbid if you had a problem you needed to talk over with her or something, she’s a horrendous listener and consequently a poor support/ confident

I have two friends that do this. For both of them it's because they have fairly severe self confidence issues, to be honest, I quite like to just have to hmmmm occasionally. None of the chatter is malicious of ill intended, it's basically just a constant stream of consciousness.

Also do you notice when these people visit/ meet you they’ve always had the most newsworthy journey and need to spend the first 20 minutes of the meet telling you about it before even asking how you are?

A ex friend did this when she came to visit me and my new baby for the first time

Yes. I think they get worse as they get older too. I am a good listener, so suffer this a lot. And the bigger I let them become the smaller I become. Like you OP I'm a funny, interesting person, but feel boring with those people. I just CBA fighting for a word in conversations - where the other person is only thinking about what they'll say next. I just see them less and less.
To be fair though one friend has become v unbalanced in conversation of late - 20 min plus monologues - back to back with 2 min interludes from me. But her mother died recently, she's stressed out. So I let her vent. It's deeply boring. But I'm hoping when she gets through this phase she'll go back to normal... or maybe I'm helping to create a monster!

My Mum does this; will ring up, talk for up to an hour with me making the occasional "mmmm" and then say she has to go, without having asked me anything about myself at all. Sometimes I just pop the phone on speaker, leave her on the stairs and do the odd job whilst she talks.

Texts tend to be "Advice please, I need an opinion on x, y, z" as well.

I do this sometimes. It's because I'm shit at conversation. Believe me, I try my best. I know it's all going horribly. And I spend hours/days/weeks/months/years berating myself afterwards. I know this is quite common but I lie awake at night cringing at how I bored someone with a shit story in 2003.

I also have conversations where literally nothing comes to mind and I stand there in silence. People become confused and openly speculate whether something is wrong with me. That is a lot more embarrassing so I do overcompensate in trying to avoid this.

It can be due to anxiety in social situations & fearing awkward silences. Or it's me, me, me narcissism. Elderly relatives seem to do it a lot, down to loneliness & no one to offload to maybe. I'd just jokingly interrupt the monologue with 'hey, take a breath'!

My sister is like this, it's as if she can't bear silence. If it's quiet she thinks there is something wrong.She also has a really loud carrying voice, always knows best, is super sensitive and needy about herself but has the hide of a rhino about anyone else's feelings, oh, and she talks over and interrupts everybody. Seriously, I cannot get a word in edgeways.

I feel better for getting that off my chest

I do it when I’m getting manic.

I assume anxious people do it too!

When i was with my ex he never listened to me, just made the right noises and never really listened now my kids don’t listen to me, so soemtimes when I meet with a friend it all just spills out like vomit because I’ll get some interaction from it and a giggle, although I’m quite quiet a lot of the time these are special instances but I can inagine a woman who’s older children don’t engage in conversation and their dp doesn’t interact (more common than you realise) that they’re just grateful to talk

To those pondering how these people know anything about other people’s lives, it’s probably just gleaned from social media.

I’m fascinated OP that you’d say she’s a lovely person, she doesn’t sound it, far from it! Self centred, oblivious, uninterested in you, selfish. A lovely person would care about their friend enough to enquire about how their life was going.

You mentioned collapsing into your husband’s arms when you got back in exhaustion and how it’ll be a while before you gear yourself up to do it again... why would you? I’m curious what you’re getting out of this to make it worth repeating cos there has to be something about it that works for you or you’d have sacked her for a long time ago!

Hi @EmeraldRubyShark I do believe she is a good person deep down, but I do agree with you that the fact I came him exhausted is not a good sign.

Interestingly she is much better over text, it's like she can converse better in that way and she does ask questions about our lives in that way. Busy lives and the fact she lives some distance away means we don't see each other that often.

However I do know people like this who are just downright selfish and narcissistic and I have cut them off.

I just find the behaviour interesting, more about how they see the other person when they are talking non stop, or whether in fact they give it any thought at all

Middle DS can talk non-stop to me & Little DS. Doesn't talk like that to anyone else.
Not even 15yo yet, so still an immature person: self-centred, lacks self-awareness, very extrovert personality but also shy so needs some kind of release.

I have a friend who will ask questions but then talk over the answers.

“What did you do in London?”
“We went to an exhibition at the Wellcome Centre” “which was about magic” “Then we went to see an exhibition of photography by X” “at the V&A” “which is an incredible building with all sorts of...”

Many people are energy vampires without even realising. I know I probably have been in the past. It takes work on your personal boundaries for it not to get the better of you.

A school mum used to do this to me. She lived my way and would subject me to a 15 minute monologue whilst we walked, the carry on talking at me at the end of my road, ignoring me saying “got to go now, things to do, places to be” in the end I just used to say “bye” and walk away from her whilst she was still talking. I probably did it about 4/5 times. Now she just avoids me - probably thinks I’m rude

Unfortunately I live next door to someone who will not stop talking drivel. It's a shame cos she's actually quite nice but I avoid her now. I have often been in my house and closing the door on her after meeting on the doorstep because after a solid 15 mins of utter nonsence in which I say not one word except 'hello' there is no sign of her stopping. If I could stand it I'd conduct an experiment to see how long she'd keep going.

I think I'm sensitized because I used to work with someone similar-if she cornered you there was no escape-once I was on the verge of tears-no exaggeration because I could see no way out - in the end- well after the end of the working day I just something out and stood up and went- I was very rude but I couldn't take it.

Premature post ...blurted something out. Anyway I'd like to know what's going on. Both of my talkers show no interest in a real conversation, or jokes, or wit or anything other than a barrage of words. Both are nice people but lonely I think so I feel guilty but everytime I try to be pleasant I regret it.

My best friend from sixth form moved to Australia when we were 18.

We met up last year age 37. The whole evening was her going on about her life. After we left I realised she did not know a thing about me and what I'd been doing in the past 20 years - not a sausage. She didn't know if I was married, had kids, what job I did, what my hobbies were. It was astounding.