AIBU to wonder about people who don't stop talking

[whitebedlinen]

NC for this post.

I wanted to know if anyone could provide some insight on people who literally do not stop talking, mainly about themselves.

In the last two days I have had two encounters with people like this. One was with a friend I met up with for dinner and the other was a woman I met at the gym. Both of these women talked AT ME non stop about themselves/their lives/their families incessantly (I'm talking 3-5 minute speeches at a time with no pause) before then eventually asking me a question which I'd barely be given time to answer before it would serve as an opportunity for them to talk about themselves again.

Both of these women (my friend in particular) are good and kind people and seem to know what other people (mutual friends etc) are doing with their lives. But I do wonder how on Earth they know anything about anyone else when they don't give anyone the chance to talk! Or am I just boring and therefore only suitable to be a soundboard and not actually listened to?

I am a naturally good listener and empathise a lot so tend to attract those with a lot to get off their chest (have spent many nights sitting in a corner of a bar with the person with a lorry load of problems). But I'd love to understand these types of characters (non stop talkers) a bit more.

Any insight?

I was never given attention/listened to as a child. No adult ever asked how I was , how my day at school went, etc. I was loved and cared for just not nurtured

This is interesting - my MIL would say her childhood was a bit lonely (only child) and she also learned to read quite late, and suspect she may also have had some speech issues as there are certain words she finds difficult. But I have noticed that she also never asks the grandchildren (not just mine, but the others that she sees a lot too) how they are, or anything - they just exist in a periphery around her, sort of, and she talks over them as well. So that "not nurturing" thing perpetuates itself. My gran was also an only child, but she never mentioned being unhappy with that. But then she also didn't tend to repeat stories about herself and her life that much, thinking about it. She lived very much in the present, perhaps that's why.

A very good friend who does this. And she sounds like she knows the details of other people’s lives so I did wonder how on earth as sh3 never stops talking.

But I’ve know realised she’s completely wildly and often hilariously wide of the mark. She listens to the first couple of sentences then makes the rest of it up! She’s kind, funny and a brilliant friend ... but lunch out can be a bit random information sometimes.

My dh family are all complete steamrollers in conversations. Talk over each other, shout, argue and love it.

I’m quiet and feel like I’m losing the art of conversation, but my nodding skills are next to none.

I think some people have different styles of talking. I’ve read a book about it but I’ll have to google for a while to figure out which book it was. So some people find it’s polite to take turns in talking and others find it more inclusive to all talk at once and create a hullabaloo. I prefer talking one at a time and abhor boring people who monopolize the conversation and I wonder that they never get bored of the sound of their own voices!

'Turning the conversation back to them 'is an art form some people have perfected so well they don't realise they are doing it. It is usually the ' don't stop talking ' ones that are worse.

I can see people's eyes glaze over whenever it's not about them or their family or lives.

Being able to have a two way conversation is something I strive to do as I'm aware how many others just can't do it. My friends ( apart from one or two) are good at the 50:50 thing. Lots are not though.

It's so funny when a ' me me me' type meets another one the same : they go into a kind of competition of who can overtalk who.
About themselves usually! You can see that neither are listening.
I try to avoid people like this these days if I can.

But I am very aware of this in myself and remind myself to stop talking and listen and not jump in with my opinions although the desire to do so can be overwhelming.
I'm in my 50s do , hopefully will have improved before I become. MIL.
I am handy to have at dull parties though😂

www.deborahtannen.com

This author talks about conversation styles and I’ve found one of her books pretty interesting. I believe she was the first one to talk about why men don’t like asking for directions when they’re lost.

God we once had these bonkers neighbours, they came over for drinks one night and talked the entire time about their son, who had recently sat his GCSEs. We thought it was a bit weird but were glad to have friendly neighbours.

They invited us to theirs a few weeks later, and they had printed out their son's INSANE university wish list (NYU was his 'safety school' LOL) and we just... discussed his university prospects all night.

That night after we left, my husband said, they don't even know what our jobs are, whether we went to university, where we're from, etc, why would they want to discuss with us where their son is planning on attending university?

They were fucking lunatics.

I have a friend like this. It's very difficult, she goes into a huge amount of detail with every story (usually involving her kids) and also talks very quickly and animatedly because there is so much she wants to say.

Down,
I would be interested in reading that book but the stereotype reference'why men don't ask for directions' puts me off !
They do !
Sorry for the derail....which I am also working on !

I was never given attention/listened to as a child. No adult ever asked how I was , how my day at school went, etc. I was loved and cared for just not nurtured

I sort of get this, but surely lots of people growing up in the 70s and 80s were the product of this kind of benign neglect parenting model?

In the nicest way possible, I am not that interested in my friends' children, and I assume they feel the same way about mine. If they are having a problem with them, I want to talk about it with them about it, but I don't really need elaborate updates about normal kid stuff.

Roisin

That example is one I remember from reading her book about ten years ago, she doesn’t hang herself up on stereotypes at all. I’m just googling some articles she has written and they’re quite interesting.

I like these people send them to me....
I do think you need at least one friend like this.

I'm an introvert and I'm very glad when someone else keeps the momentum of the social interaction going.
I agree if its vry extreme and is literally someone talking non stop about a boring medical issue or their drive here, for twenty hours, then it gets a bit grating...
But people who just sort of take over and carry on speaking if you dont say anything... well ive actually got a lot of time and affection for those people. I dont have the energy myself and I like these peoples energy. It helps if they have interesting stories though.... but I dont really mind not giving a lot of input and just listening

Alaskan, I’m the same as you. I find updates about mundane normal events in kids lives too boring for words.

I think my case of not being noticed was extreme even for the 70s.
My older sister was listened too , my younger, adored. I was ignored!

My closest friend of many years was like this. She became worse as the years went by. I actually ended up sadly going NC as it got that bad. I hated doing it, we'd been through so much over the years.
My breaking point was on the anniversary of AC's death she came to "support" me and spent four hours talking about her property investments, (something she knows I have no experience of), her new partner's ex, her upcoming overseas trip. It was like a stream of consciousness!
and asked me once how I was coping and then didn't give me a chance to reply.
I realised after that I couldn't put up with it any longer. I also realised that she'd had a succession of longterm friends who vanished one by one over the years and were replaced by wealthier people. I felt that said it all

My son does this - doesn't draw breath - goes at it for absolutely hours - tested for absolutely everything, diagnosed with nothing, but was borderline with ADHD. He can literally (and I do mean literally) talk you to death, I lose the will to live, he picks up conversations we were having 6 months or a year ago.

Other people absolutely love him because the talks to anyone and everyone, and for all the old folks locally who have no one to talk to, he is an absolute ray of sunshine, knows all about their lives, he does ask all the pertinent little questions, tells them whats happening on Sky News [grin[] whether they want to or not. Think Paul Whitehosue character "Brilliant Kid"

@ Alaskan I sort of get this, but surely lots of people growing up in the 70s and 80s were the product of this kind of benign neglect parenting model?

Why do you think it was typical of the 70's and 80's ?

Yep. Got one of them. A friend I used to know very well pre-kids before losing touch who I then reconnected with. “Conversation” follows exactly the way you describe.

About a year after we’d got back in touch she happened to mention my children’s names and I was genuinely amazed she knew.

I think some of these individuals may have ASD or at least traits. The reciprocity of social interaction is an area of difficulty that can be demonstrated by this lack of to and fro in conversation and inability to pick up social cues. They may of course just be self-centred and not interested in others but I wouldn’t assume this.

I don’t have ASD but I’m aware that I have some traits and I have to mentally check that I’m not just talking and talking. Either that or too anxious to speak!

I know FAR too many of these sort of people! Two in particular get to me though.

One of them is someone in a senior position at work who is clearly completely out of their depth and as a result very insecure. Every single interaction has to be brought back round to them and what they’ve done, usually with some heavy name dropping thrown in. I assume it’s an attempt to convince themselves me that they are worthy of their role and totally on top of things.

The other is a really good friend who is in a shitty relationship and has shitty selfish friends, so I presume in her case it’s just that no bigger else pays her any attention so she wants to get it all in whilst she’s with someone who does. I have every sympathy for her but it’s exhausting.

*bugger

@DownUdderer I will look into this author. As much as it can be irritating I find it fascinating too!

@Meretricious I think what you've said is probably pretty spot on! I think my friend (and others I've encountered!) are pretty good at grasping the first part of the story you're sharing, then glazing over and assuming they know the rest/waiting for their chance to talk. So probably the stories they then share with others are wildly inaccurate!!

@AlaskanOilBaron we had friends like your neighbours once! (NC now) they would sit and talk about their views (often showy judgemental to anyone they saw as beneath them) without any awareness of who they were talking to and how it could be offensive. The final straw was when they made an off-hand comment about never wanting their son to work in the building trade because everyone on building sites are stupid criminals and they wouldn't want him mixing with blue collar types. My husband is a self employed building contractor and even when we reminded them of that there was no backtracking or apology!

Gosh my MiL does this. I love her to bits and she's very kind, but it's a wall of sound, especially when we first meet. I wondered too if it's an aspergers thing, and could go along with the social and communication challenges. I think aspergers/autism in women has been hard to identify at times.

People tend to tell me I'm a closed book. Aye, stfu for a moment and I might be able to tell you a little about me.