In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

She's following in the steps of her main role model. What else did you think would happen?

Exactly this.

You’re telling her basically not bring up her children the way you did!

I also worry about the isolating side because like someone mentioned none of her friends will be having kids for a while (some don't necessarily even want them) so she'll be at a very different life stage when they're all off doing all sorts of things.

That's going to be true whether or not she works, though. I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby (at 31!) and while I'm currently very happy to still be working full-time, one of the big downsides is that it makes it very hard to see friends. DH keeps encouraging me to go out in the evening or at the weekend without DS, but I'm too knackered to go out late at night and I don't want to miss my weekend or early evening time with DS.

Again, I think a lot of what you're talking about are downsides to having a baby at 24, whether or not you work - and that decision is already now made.

monalisa I think we're all just trying to ignore that goady nonsense in this thread.

I wish people could be a lot nicer on both sides of this - as a WOHM I of course notice and resent all the 'at least she'll actually be caring for her children/putting them first/not dumping them' comments, but there's also been some awful comments about SAHM on this thread. No one benefits when women start tearing each other down like that.

It's such a difficult one. I think to some extent women (and it is mostly women) choose our poison wrt timing of children. There are positives and negatives to most ages.

That said, in terms of work and security, this does seem a bit worst of both worlds. I say that as someone who had my first in my 20s. She's not been in the workplace long enough to get established enough to have any real reputation or leverage, but she's also not doing it so young that her kids will all be older while she's still pretty young. And I know her DH is a high flyer, and not everyone wants a career and someone women are very fulfilled by SAH etc, but in terms of security, he's still quite early career for them to be putting all the eggs in his basket. She's also making this decision in a very different economic context from posters who SAH'd some years ago, which means older experiences need to be placed in the appropriate context.

In any case, she's entitled to a year of ML plus accrued annual leave, so unless she's about to drop, there's a year before a decision needs to be made. I'd encourage her to keep her cards close to her chest for now.

It is great if it works out. But many women and we see them on here, give up their careers and end up fucked because their husband had a midlife crises and left them in the lurch.

I would be encouraging my daughter to pursue a career and education but to also have a family life.

You can be a sahm for a period of time in your life. It is the women who do no formal training and devote 10-20 years to being a sahm who are putting themselves at risk.

I don't regret being a SAHM and I can see it's nice in a way because she's seen her dad and I being together and a strong unit and it's something she wants to have.

You were her role model as a girl growing up. What did you expect? Quite ridiculous really that you are surprised by this.

My DD has seen me go to university and get a professional job. She will have a different outlook on life in being finicially independent.

I didn’t have my dd until I was 35 and I do wish I’d had her earlier. I had a professional career but my relationship ended and for many reasons I now work as a TA on minimum wage.

I’m looking to retrain in a few years when she is older but that means a second career in my late forties. I’d suggest supporting her but encourage her to keep her options open and maybe look at home study if she wants to change direction later on.

My only regret in life is becoming a SAHM.

I totally agree with you, I don’t think you are a hypocrite, people has the right to change their minds. Your DD needs to take her own decisions though, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she heads back to work sooner than you anticipate if she finds being a SAHM very different to what she think it is.

You give up more than an income when you become a SAHM. My exH married me because he respected me professionally, he saw me as an equal... all that went after a couple of years at home when he was coming back from his business trips to find a wife who could only talk about routines and boring stuff, and when I welcomed him full of resentment as if he had been to Disneyland while I was left scrubbing the floors.

Women should keep their financial independence so they can provide for the family if the guy loose the job, gets ill, dies or more likely, to be able to afford leaving him if the things go wrong.

If shes going to do that perhaps younger is better? Theres a strong argument for that. If she returns to work in 5 years she will still be under 30 with her whole life ahead of her and still have the energy to devote to a career... yes she wont start in a high position but if she works hard she could still get there at that age! This sounds like what she has decided so I'd try to be supportive... kids often disrupt womens careers sadly but it sounds like shes in quite a stable position and as I said theres much to be said for taking the time out whilst still young. I d9nt think it sounds like a silly idea at all.

I have not read all the previous comments but I say its your daughters choice. Support her.

One thing I would like to add is that having children when you want them is not guaranteed either. Is it? I know people with the finances and security but their plans of having children have not come true either. Life is uncertain. She can always start a career later in life. Some people that I know who have encountered problems were still young enough to get help. With your support, if staying at home does not work out she can still get back to work.

I’d be very disappointed if it was my DD but she needs to make her own decisions. Mine is currently 18, fiercely independent and partly maybe because both her and my son have had it drummed into them that no one should be financially reliant on someone else.
I would loved to have been a SAHM when our kids were younger but husband being made redundant twice over a number of years and having to retrain precluded it. Now that I’m late 40s and witnessing alarming numbers of women my age and older who have been SAHMs, haven’t worked for years or indeed decades, and are now being left high and dry by their DHs and having to work 12-hour night shifts in Tesco for minimum wage....I’m very glad I have my own business to fall back on should anything similar happen to me.

People put so much pressure on me to return to work when I had my first son at 23
Anyway I got sick and it was good I didn't have to. I still feel judged.
I work max 6 hours a week from home helping my husband run the business which I own 99 of the 100 shares of.

I don't see why it's a problem. She can go back to work if she wants. If she isn't getting financial support from you then just leave her be. If she has a small salary then the cost of going back which is the actual cost plus missing her child will outweigh the benefit. It reads like you have no faith in the marriage even if you do.
Don't make her feel she can't open up to you she needs her mum and needs her close when she is about to become a mother herself x

It isn’t hypocritical to say Don’t do as I did.

You have lived experience of a particular choice. She’d be wise to listen to that experience.

I think you're right OP, but your DD (and a few others on this thread) won't realise this until she's much older.
She's young and thinks she can have it all because she's got a DH who's a high earner but circumstances tend to change.
When the kids are older and she wants to go back to work (or her DH goes off with a younger model), she'll struggle to find work that pays well if she's been out of the workforce for some time. The supposed life skills gained by managing a home count for virtually nothing these days compared to ten or twenty years ago.
Youngsters in their early twenties never imagine themselves being older and therefore considered less attractive to potential employers when competing for jobs with much younger, recently qualified, more up-to-date graduates. Technology moves on so quickly now that even 5 years out of the game leaves you back on the starting blocks.

Being on maternity leave myself with a 9 month old DD I can't think of anything worst than being a SAHM whereas before she was here, I was ready for giving up work.

I would also be disappointed (maybe that's too strong a word though, dismayed?) if in her early 20s all she aspired to was being a SAHP. That being said, it really is her decision and you need to support it and keep quiet with your opinions.

If the plan for 3 or 4 children in the next few years goes ahead, which of course it may very well not, it'll be more than 5 years before DD is back in the workplace.

I have actually known a couple of people who had the kids in late teens-20ish and then some training'/degree and ready to pursue work by mid to late 20s and it can go very well, but the combination of the ages and planned number of children here mean it'll be quite a different situation.

If she returns to work in 5 years she will still be under 30 with her whole life ahead of her and still have the energy to devote to a career...

I don't think OP would be so worried if that was her plan. It's not, it's to have 3 or 4 children and presumably a much more extended time away from work. Though, as pp (including me) have said, that's something she may or may not still want after she actually has a baby.

OP, I hope it does work out for her and you do sound like a kind and conscientious mother. I too would be worried but I suppose that ship has sailed. You aren't wrong to worry r.e. her friends and the isolation in essentially watching them all fly off and do various things whilst she's knee deep in nappies. Who knows. It might be the making of her but at this very precarious position I'd be concerned too. The fact that she's leaving herself vulnerable in terms of financial dependence on her husband might seem like the logical choice now but some lessons are most definitely learned the hard way.

Well, I had 3 children by the age of 21! I managed to go to uni and become a teacher later on. She has all the training by her side. I didn't even have that so from that point of view Its never too late to pick it up again. I think she is in an enviable position that many cannot achieve. I think its a lovely thing to do. Later on, she can follow her career when she chooses. She is lucky to be in that position.

I think its a lovely thing to do.

It's great that it all worked out for you, but becoming financially dependent on another person is never a lovely thing to do.

While it could be lovely, I too can hear warning bells ringing. He is encouraging her to be SAHP, I would be wondering where the boundaries will be drawn.

Does this mean he will be involved in parenting it does he see that as women's work ? What about making meals, meal planning, laundry, cleaning the loos ? Is that to be classified as women's work too.

Equality is about having choices, I would be encouraging her to pay NI contributions, open a pension and be clear that she was looking after their child not being a full service housekeeper.

Start as you mean to go on

Does she have to decide now? Can’t she just take maternity and choose not to go back if she doesn’t want to? That way she can see if she really wants to be a SAHM.

I think it’s sad to be thinking about what happens when the marriage fails and she is left with 4 kids

I think it's extremely wise to look to the future. No relationship / health / job is guaranteed.

Not looking ahead is why so many end up in poor circumstances later in life. How often do we hear the man has met someone at work, they have grown apart as they have very different lives etc. Marrying young (teens and early twenties) has the higher chance of divorce based on statistics.

With no established career, she has no safety net to fall back on. Fine for an adult to make that choice for themselves but children need protecting.

Well, I had 3 children by the age of 21! I managed to go to uni and become a teacher later on. She has all the training by her side. I didn't even have that so from that point of view Its never too late to pick it up again. I think she is in an enviable position that many cannot achieve. I think its a lovely thing to do. Later on, she can follow her career when she chooses. She is lucky to be in that position.

The timing of your children might actually have made this easier, purely in career terms. Not that I don't take my hat off to you! But if you have your kids first and then do your training and look for work, your qualifications are effectively 'fresh'.

I can see that there are often barriers to someone who has children young being able to do this, but where they do, I'd say someone who entered later but has recent qualifications is going to be in a better position than a person whose qualifications and initial work experience are older and who has had a long spell outside of work.

Yanbu. I would be nervous about this too. She would be totally dependent on her husband. If the marriage does not work out she will be left in a vulnerable position finding it hard to return to her career of choice due to a big gap in the CV and lack.of experience. Qualifications are great, but experience always counts for more.