In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

I'm not sure what everyone means by support OP, I would just go along with it and say how lovely to have lots of DGCs.
No one has a clue how isolating it can be at home with a baby but on the other hand wealthy families often employ a nanny and the DM has a lot of freedom. So it will be what it will be, you don't really have any say unless she specifically asks for advice.

Incidentally, while we're swapping personal anecdotes - at 26 (the age that I think OP's son in law must be) my now DH was a management consultant, 'already earning a lot and his earning potential was very high'. He then got made redundant in quite unpleasant circumstances (major failure of a project that he was working on - not directly his fault, and he was part of a big team, but the whole team were held very responsible and 'managed out' in various poisonous ways, DH's was actually one of the nicest), found another management consultant job immediately, found that one completely awful and absolutely hated working there, left after a year, basically had a bit of a breakdown, worked at a much lower level for a few months while he figured out what to do, then retrained as a teacher and is still a very happy one six years later. I guess if we'd had DC and a mortgage then he would have kept in the job he hated, but I can't imagine what that would have done to his mental health.

As people have said, lives are long and careers are complicated - and that applies to high earning men, too. I find it a bit sad that people think I should have an absolute right to jack in working entirely, but it's fine if that's at the cost of my DH having no career flexibility whatsoever because he has to fund the whole thing.

I think you should definitely try to make sure she's aware of the importance of maintaining her own earning potential. We never know what's around the corner, even in the happiest of marriages.

But ultimately, it's a choice for her to make with her partner and, even if you would make a different choice (which you didn't!) you should be supportive. Things could be very different when she actually has children anyway and she could well decide she wants to get back in to work. So I wouldn't spend too much time concerning yourself about it now.

Another thing. If our baseline expectation is set by our parents, then your marriage has presumably been happy and mutually supportive if she wants to replicate it. But what are her husband's parents like? She needs to look very closely at how his father treats his mother because at least subconsciously, that's his normal.

HRTWT. My DM worked part time as a nurse for the whole of our childhood. It fitted round us, and I can honestly say I don’t remember he not ever being there for us. She needed that job when My dad died leaving her with 3 DC. We were strongly encouraged to go to university. My career consumed my life until my mid 30s (I got to the top), where upon I promptly got married and had DC. I work pt. my DM is endlessly going on at me for working too much (3days) and not having enough time with DC. So you can’t win.......she encouraged this career, and now she wants me to give it up. My marriage is far from plain sailing. DH has a very highly paid stressful job, which pays for our nice lifestyle, but takes a huge toll on family life. If we were to separate I could walk out of this house with the DC and the clothes we had on and I could financially manage. I don’t need a penny from my husband (he happily shares all his £). Or your dd’s DH could die like my dad did. She needs to have some financial security for the bumps in life’s road.

I would be proud she has reached her goal so quickly and with such a stable future

Eh? What on Earth do you think us ‘stable’ about relying on one man for your entire future?!?!

Ffs

it always amazes me how many people think a personnel experience of a subject in this case being a shm is the same for everyone so just because some pp became shm young and are happy does not mean its a good choice. there is a massive risk of becoming a single parent with a employment gap. and as far as im concerned sometimes parents have to tell their children they are making a stupid decision. and explain why.

so just because some pp became shm young and are happy does not mean its a good choice

Doesn’t mean it’s a bad choice either...

and as far as im concerned sometimes parents have to tell their children they are making a stupid decision

If you were my mother and told me that I would simply have disengaged from you. By all means outline your concerns but to deride another adults decisions as “stupid” is not good parenting.

She's following in the steps of her main role model. What else did you think would happen?

I'd be unhappy if mine chose to not work but we've shown them it's possible to parent and work. It's seems such a waste of education, leaves a person vulnerable in the event of a split and like you've seen models behaviour to children that they will likely copy.

collectingcpd

Your mum 🤣🙄. Honestly, I’m sure a daughters place is to be in the wrong 😳🤣. She means well I’m sure.

...but I’m glad you’re doing it how you’re doing it.

I DO think it’s sad that we HAVE to be so aware of things not working out as we hoped. So aware of illness, of death, of the partner walking out, but it’s just so silly to assume that none of those things will happen to you because it leaves you very, very vulnerable if any of them do.

It would be fabulous if we could guarantee none of those things happening, enabling one parent to be at home IF they want to. Personally I think that’s the ‘ideal’, but sadly we SHOULD be pragmatic. Hope for the best, but PLAN for the worst.

She might also find motherhood very isolating as most well educated women of 24 don’t have babies at 24 - her mummy friends are either going to be much older or much less educated....(I’m preparing to be flamed). The youngest mummy friend I had when I was having my 1st at 35 was 32, and we all had careers.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss- Not true. I am a WM as is my sister. And we were raised by a SAHM who made it very clear that we shouldn’t expect rely on our husbands for money because men can be shit (my gran by the way).

By all means outline your concerns so thats effectively what i said would i use the word stupid in the conversation maybe not but i was really replying to the sentiment pp have stated thats its her decision you cant be worried or criticize.

She's following in the steps of her main role model. What else did you think would happen?

Have you not actually read anyone else’s post? Plenty of posters are doing the opposite to their Mothers because they can see/lived the downside to the other choice.

Don’t be so cock sure your kids won’t be SAHP because they are living the downside of both parents working and grow up to wish they’d had a SAHP

@collectingcpd - she probably won’t fit into her DH’s social circle that’s for sure. So she will need to build her own.

so thats effectively what i said would i use the word stupid in the conversation maybe not but i was really replying to the sentiment pp have stated thats its her decision you cant be worried or criticize

Worried? Sure.
Criticise? Fairly patronising actually. I mean this is a 24 year old, educated woman. Isn’t it just possible she’s considered all possible outcomes and is making a decision?

maybe your DD looks back at you being home all through her childhood and wants to re-create that which is a compliment to you and feels she had a better deal than some of her friends who were in childcare etc if she sees you and her father still together and it all worked out maybe she feels this is the best way, maybe she feels you sacrificing your career for kids was a good thing and she is willing to do the same

if you are saying do as I say not do as I did without firm reasoning it is hypocritical

maybe when you say her DH could leave her, she says he won't and Dad didn't leave you; actually most marriages don't end in divorce whilst divorce rates are high they are not over 50% some people would rather have time with kids and less money I am sure DD and her Dh have discussed this

do you actually regret being at home with your kids? if you say I know I did this but for reason X Y AND Z I now think it was not the best decision, however you don'y want her to think you now resent her and her siblings for the choices you made either so you need to word it very carefully

My mum stayed at home with us by the time youngest had finished high school my dad was only 2 years away from retirement so she never went back to work my parents are still happy after 50 years marriage, when I had DD i took 3 years off then went back 2 days until she started school then up to almost full time, last year it was too stressful so gave it up and now work mainly from home on my own business, I regret the years working almost full time in a stressful job as I was too tired to be the mum I wanted to be my DD is much happier with me around more without the stress and migraines

I would be worried about her decision. I have seen too many women give up work only for divorce or illness to strike and being left struggling. Despite anecdotal success stories it’s really difficult to get a decent job if you have never worked or taken a lengthy career-break.

@IncrediblySadToo - It’s like anything really. If you’re a good mum your daughters may want to emulate you; if you’re shit then they won’t. A lot of SAHM overplay being at home, are badly organised, and use housework as an excuse not to spend quality weekend time with kids. Similarly a lot of WMs are like this too. If you find a good work-balance your kids will copy.

I don’t disagree with you OP but I’d caution you against getting too involved. My parents had an opinion on everything I did and it got to the stage where I stopped discussing personal stuff with them, I confided in friends or colleagues instead. Hard as it is, you need to step back.

Have only read first page so...

...I would definitely encourage her to keep her options open by taking maternity leave.

I'm not sure there's much more you can do than that. If it were my DD I'd probably put a few devil's advocate scenarios before her to give her some food for thought, than give her a hug and tell her to crack on and I'd be there for her whenever she needed.

The thing is, it's not just about not relying on a man in case of them turning out to be a shit...life can throw some pretty massive curveballs. I've know far too many people become seriously ill or die suddenly in their 30s and early 40s to ever take it for granted that a situation is permanent.

An old college friend died suddenly of a heart attack a few years ago, leaving a wife and 3 young kids. He was only in his late 30s and thankfully he left them well provided for re life insurance etc, and his wife had kept up her professional job on a part time basis.

I would be suggesting to my DD that as depressing as it is she needs to take into account the worst case scenario and whatever she does, make sure that she and her DH have contingency plans in place.

I don't regret being a SAHM and I can see it's nice in a way because she's seen her dad and I being together and a strong unit and it's something she wants to have. Where I am a bit hypocritical I admit is that if I could choose for her (which of course I can't and it's her choice) I would rather she had a good career of her own too. I know education is for more than career but she's had the benefit of a very good education so I guess I imagined her going off into her career at this age as her friends are. I also worry about the isolating side because like someone mentioned none of her friends will be having kids for a while (some don't necessarily even want them) so she'll be at a very different life stage when they're all off doing all sorts of things. Not meaning what she's doing isn't wonderful but I just worry at her age she's shutting off options, though will support her and not criticise.

I do agree that she might change her mind about some of this anyway. I met up with my NCT group yesterday and lots of them were joking about how they thought they'd have four kids, and would be trying again when DC1 hit a year, but now that we all have 10/11 month olds it feels rather different and most people are rather less keen on this idea now! I sort of feel the opposite in that I thought I might just want one before DS (DH has always wanted two) but I am now pretty certain I want a second (not yet, though!). The point is that what you think you want before you have a baby and what it turns out you want can be quite different.

I think it's odd she wants to stop work before having kids?? I took mat leave then became a SAHM and my DS is now 2. The longer I'm away, the harder I know it will be to get back into my profession. Being at home can be lonely, especially after all the new mums you meet on mat leave start going back to work. You have to be disciplined in going out to meet people.

Any reason why you never went back to work OP?

day,it's wonderful to know there are still mothers who cherish that bonding time with their children

Oh do piss off.

Would you say the same about a dad going out to work to provide for his children or is it just working mothers who don't"cherish" their children enough???
Hypocritical, double standard nonsense.